Ron's Jokes.

[rondetto]

With his bus arriving late, Jimmy burst into the classroom & began telling his class mates about the ride in.

"We were going down the High street when we passed an older Rag and bone man on his way to the market. Just as we got by, the bus back fired & spooked the horse. It took off down the road going from one edge to the other with the old man in the carriage helplessly trying to get the horse to stop. The carriage hit a pot hole & a shackle on the harness broke off. When the old man finally got the the horse to stop, the pull shaft went right up the horse's ."bottom

The teacher interrupted the story to correct Jimmy's terminology, "Rectum Jimmy".

Jimmy looked confused and said "Rectum?? Damn near killed 'em".

[rondetto]

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own." ;D

[rondetto]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of donkeys and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "They're my in-laws."

[rondetto]

If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
I intend to live forever. So far so good.
Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I
I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."
Evolution: True science fiction.
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
A torch is a case for holding dead batteries.

[rondetto]

How do you confuse a blonde...?
Put her in a round room and tell her to stand in a corner.

How does the blonde confuse you?
She says..."I'm over here in the corner!"

[rondetto]

A kindergarten teacher handed out a colouring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to colour the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, coloured the duck in a bright fire truck red.
After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?"
Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

[rondetto]

Two scandinavian young men from up in Sweden were looking at a Kay & Co catalogue and admiring the models.
Ole says to the Sven "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?"
Sven replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
Ole says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."
Sven smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too."
Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Kay's catalogue?"
Ole replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"

[rondetto]

A wizened-faced old lady was toddling down the
street on her way home from church when she
passed the local bookie joint.

Inspired by the sermon that she just heard,
she threw the door open and yelled at the startled
gamblers.

"Pray for forgiveness!!" she shouted. "Pray for forgiveness."

With that, she shut the door and continued
home. A half a block later; an out-of-breath man
caught up to her wheezing "I heard what you said- "pray for forgiveness."

The old woman was quite pleased with herself
that her words had been heeded.

"But you didn't say," the man continued,
"Which race is it in?

[rondetto]

A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

"What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?" asks the police officer.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it," says the officer.

So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches
masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his
wife. "Blimey, I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

[rondetto]

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

[rondetto]

Just a thought:

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humour, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.



6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

[rondetto]

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we make a run for it!"

[rondetto]

A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.

"Davey, what sound does a cow make?"
Davey replied, "It goes 'moo'."

"Alice, what sound does a cat make?"
Alice said, "It goes 'meow'."

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa'."

"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
Jennifer paused, thought for a while and said, "Well, mine goes... click'!"

[rondetto]

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned.
I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack
it, so they gave me the axe.
After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it -
mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my
life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't
cut the mustard.
My best job was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any
patience.
Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live
on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company,
but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit
for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as
a historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was
always the same old grind.
So, I tried retirement and found that I'm perfect for the job!

[rondetto]

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant spoilt son around his factory.

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.

They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"

He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.

The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."