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Post by rondetto on Feb 17, 2013 12:14:14 GMT
One day a multi billionaire was bored, so he asked his butler to get him 3 men. A few hours later the butler comes back. The man says "OK I've a deal you can't refuse. Who can swim successfully across this pool filed with sharks, eels, and leaches. The winner may have whatever his heart desires."
No one replies so the man gives up. All of a sudden the man hears a splash. One of the men is swimming as fast as he can, dodging all the sharks, eels, and leaches. The billionaire was so impressed that someone had enough guts take up his challenge. He congratulates the man and asks him what he wants.
The man replies "I want the bugger who pushed me in" 
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Post by rondetto on Feb 21, 2013 10:22:47 GMT
An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.
His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the local supermarket get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"
They all asked the farmer how it tasted.
"I Don't know" said the farmer. I've never been able to catch the darn thing!"
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Post by rondetto on Feb 22, 2013 19:15:09 GMT
What men are like:
...placemats
they only show up when there's food on the table.
...mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
...bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.
...savings bonds
they take so long to mature.
...copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.
...lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.
...bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
...high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
...curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.
...handguns
keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.
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Post by rondetto on Feb 24, 2013 11:43:52 GMT
A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people
predict the future with cards?"
His response was, "My mother can."
The teacher replied, "Really?"
The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one look
at my school report card and tells me what will happen when my
Dad gets home."
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Post by rondetto on Feb 25, 2013 13:18:01 GMT
It was time for bed in the Balloon house, there was Mummy balloon, Daddy balloon and baby balloon.
Daddy balloon told baby balloon to go to bed, Baby balloon asked if he could sleep with Mummy and Daddy balloon, but Daddy balloon said "No!!! get to bed in your own room."
After a few hours baby balloon crept into Mummy and Daddy's room and tried to get in between them. He couldn't fit, so he let some air out of Mummy balloon, still couldn't fit.
So he let some air out of Daddy balloon. He still couldn't fit.
So he let some air out of himself, there it was he fitted between them nicely.
The following morning when Daddy balloon awoke he shouted at Baby balloon, "What are you doing here....you should be in your own bed. Do you realise, you've let Mummy balloon down, you've let Daddy balloon down and more over you've let yourself down."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 1, 2013 16:17:57 GMT
On my way home from work I stopped off at the petrol station to put some air in my tyres as they were a bit flat.
So I put the air in and went inside to pay.
The cashier said to me "£2 please".
"£2!" I said, "It's air for crying out loud, it shouldn't be that expensive!"
"Well", he replied, "That's inflation for you".
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Post by rondetto on Mar 5, 2013 10:18:18 GMT
Would you believe I went back to the doctor's office this afternoon and the waiting room was still packed with people. There was...
A union man with a troublesome scab.
A swimmer who had a stroke.
A whitewater rafter complaining about a cataract.
A banker going through withdrawal who couldn't keep his balance.
A wizard cursed with fainting spells.
A seismologist experiencing tremors.
And last but not least, a cricket player, but he had to go home with the runs.
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Post by rondetto on Mar 6, 2013 21:18:38 GMT
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an road service van parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador" . "Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
A wife says to her husband "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair."
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
They've had to cancel the pantomine 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London : Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
The wife was counting all the 5 and 10 cents out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the butt in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?", "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
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Post by rondetto on Mar 8, 2013 17:09:38 GMT
I wonder why:
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
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Post by rondetto on Mar 10, 2013 15:31:03 GMT
I heard these at the London Olympic games:
Beth Tweddle Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.' 
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Post by rondetto on Mar 16, 2013 17:56:48 GMT
My wife and I
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in Liverpool, and mine is in Manchester.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....
but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go
for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the Bin men's truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the rubbish?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
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Post by rondetto on Mar 18, 2013 13:30:51 GMT
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "Can keep a secret. "
"I don't know about that," answered a blonde woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."
"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
"I hardly think so." responded the blonde lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 19, 2013 19:38:00 GMT
Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other. "It''s windy," said one. "No, it''s Thursday," said the next. "So am I," said the third. "Let''s go and have a drink!"
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Post by rondetto on Mar 22, 2013 19:32:11 GMT
Quick Eye Exam...
This will blow your mind...!
Just do it - don't cheat!!!!!!!!!!!!
Try this its actually quite good.
But don't cheat!
Count the number of F's in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS
.
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Managed it?
Scroll down only after you have counted them!
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OK?
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How many?
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Three?
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Wrong, there are six - no joke!
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Read again!
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FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS
.
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The reasoning is further down...
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The brain cannot process the word "OF".
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Incredible or what?
.
Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go is a genius
Three is normal.
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Post by rondetto on Mar 24, 2013 16:01:05 GMT
An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbour: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old".
"Where did you get this exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old."
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