Ron's Jokes.

[rondetto]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says: "Hi, my name is Kevin, its winter miss and there's snow everywhere... I'm driving the GRITTING TRUCK!"

[rondetto]

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes

upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into

the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher

turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon

he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'



'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks

him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have

you found Jesus?'



The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the

answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this

time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found

Jesus, my brother?'



The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks

the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him

down for about 30 seconds.



When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls

him up. The preacher asks the drunk again,



'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'



The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the

preacher,





'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

[rondetto]

My wife and I:

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a; little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Liverpool and mine is in Manchester.

3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric mixer, electric toaster and electric kettle. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" ..

So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake ."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" ...

The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: getting married is the number one cause of getting divorced.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the Television?"
I said "Dust!"

[rondetto]

Some silly sporting quotes from recent tv:


"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: The Champions league."

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
It's a humbling thing being humble."

"I have a God-given talent. I got it from my Dad."
"He's a guy who gets up at six o clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

[rondetto]

Two friends meet after a long time and, naturally, start to ask trivial questions to uphold the conversation.

"Johnny boy, what's new with you?"

The guy thinks for a while and replies "Not much, Bobby. I started taking trombone lessons few months ago."

"Trombone lessons? Are the effects any good?"

"Oh yeah! First-class. My nosey neighbour moved away a week ago."

[rondetto]

NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board. While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command centre calls the first pig and asks, "Pig , do you know your mission?"

The pig replies, "Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink."

Then NASA Control asks the second pig, "Pig, do you know your mission?"

The second pig replies, "Oink oink. Once Pig 1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth. Land shuttle. Oink oink."

Then NASA asks the blonde, "Blonde woman, do you know your mission?"

The blonde woman replies, "Ummmmmmm.... Oh yeah, I remember now. 'Feed the pigs - and DON'T TOUCH A DAMN THING!"

[bouncycastle]

Good god, Rondy. You get everywhere, darlin!

[rondetto]

Yep, I do Bouncy, good to see you again.

[rondetto]

When I was a toddler, someone gave me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. My father was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water, of course.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.

She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"

[bouncycastle]

Ick.

[rondetto]

A friend of a friend of mine was sitting on a lawn sunning and
reading, when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing
through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn. He helped the elderly
driver out and sat him on a lawn chair. "My goodness" he exclaimed,
"you are quite old to be driving!"


"Yes" he replied, "I am old enough that I don't need a license
any more." "The last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked
if I had a driving licence.


I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of a drawer,
cut the license into pieces and threw them in the waste basket". "You
won't be needing this any more", he said.

"So I thanked him and left."

[bouncycastle]

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick. He's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'

Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ...'

Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?

… and after a minute....

Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

…More heavy breathing…

…and another minute later.....

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'

This goes on for another few minutes until....

Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'

[rondetto]

Junior had just received his brand new drivers licence. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive.
Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man.
"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm going to sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."

[rondetto]

A friend of mine was a frequent user of a telephone kiosk at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of order.

Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.

After several days, the BT was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush.

The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.

A repairman arrived within the hour!

[rondetto]

An elderly man is driving down the M1 when his mobile rings.Answering it,he hears his wife on the other end.
"Albert",she says,"please be careful when you`re driving back.I just heard on the radio that there`s a maniac on the M1. He`s driving the wrong way!"
"It's not just one" Albert replies,"There`s bloody hundreds of them!"