Ron's Jokes.

[rondetto]

"Doc, I keep thinking I'm a bridge.'
'I wonder what's come over you?'
'So far, three cars, a truck and a bus."

[rondetto]

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die.

No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy, do it again!!!"

[rondetto]

A Scotsman and an Irishman were applying for the same job. The boss said, Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job.
So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well, he said, Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the Irishman."
The Scot complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"
"Well", the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the Irish man answered I don't know, and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, I don't know either."

[rondetto]

David: "My wife beats me, doctor."
Doctor: "Oh dear. How often?"
David: "Every time we play Scrabble!"

[rondetto]

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion
"Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified wildebeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, making the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a bus.
The elephant then stomped on the lion until it looked like a pancake and then ambled away.
The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, "Geez, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so rough!"

[rondetto]

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks. As he's standing there alone, he lights a cigarette. After a while he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.

He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He turns beet red in horror and goes, "Oh God no.... oh . . . I just....."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

[rondetto]

A man realised he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.
"How much do they run?" he asked the assistant.
"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from £2.00 to £2,000."
"Let's see the £2.00 model," he said.
The assistant put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" the customer asked.
"Oh well for £2.00 it doesn't work," the man replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk a lot louder!"

[rondetto]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined £25 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined £50. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of £100. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

"How much for a season pass?"

[rondetto]

Sean O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mum could have an evening out.
At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up.
At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbour, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no.
Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted. "I'm here Mum, but Mr O'Toole won't let me go home."

[rondetto]

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous bad shots, he said, in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course!"

"Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth."

[rondetto]

There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.
However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains etc. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.
The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.
So what's the moral of the story?
The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

[rondetto]

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandad and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

[rondetto]

Since it started to rain, my wife can't stop looking through the window. If it will start pouring down, Sooner or later I'm afraid I will have to let her inside.

[rondetto]

My Grandad died recently at 97 after completing a marathon....well he'd had a good run.

[rondetto]

The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school.
"Hello, this is Cheshire High school," answers the principal.
"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week,"
replies the voice.
"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"
"We are all going on a family holiday," says the voice. "I hope
it is alright."
"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who
is calling?"
"Sure. This is my father speaking."