Ron's Jokes.

[rondetto]

Grandma Jones from the valleys had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad chest infection sent her to the hospital for observation.

By the time a pair of nurses got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress - especially, the mattress.

Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord.

"What's that?" she demanded with great suspicion, suspecting it might be one of those high tech items the city folks talked about.

"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the nurses, "just press that button."

"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.

"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," she replied.

"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm 80 years old and I'm I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."

[rondetto]

A true story from early settlers in America:


The Smith family was very proud that their ancestors had come over on the Mayflower, so they hired best-selling author Frank McCourt to look up and write a book about their family history.
Horror of horrors! They discovered that great uncle Fess had died in the electric chair for committing a murder. They were devastated.
They didn't want that in the book, but they didn't want to leave him out either.
McCourt said, "Leave it to me."
When the book came out, the section about Uncle Fess read like this:
"He was a man who occupied a great seat. He was attached to his position very firmly. His death came as a great shock."

[rondetto]

A Man goes to see dentist and asks "How much to pull two wisdom teeth?"

Dentist says "£100.00."

Man says, "too much. Can't you do it for less?"

Dentist says "I can do it for £50 if I cut out the Novacaine."

Man says, "that's better but still too much. Can't we do it any cheaper?"

Dentist says, "I could let my trainee do it for £20 but she has never pulled a tooth before and it would be quite painful."

Man says, "That's great. Book my wife in for next Tuesday."

[rondetto]

The undertaker called the next of kin to confirm the funeral arrangements wanted for the dear departed. As luck would have it the son-in-law who was actually delighted to be rid of the old battle-axe answered the phone.
“We’re sorry to disturb you in this time of personal grief,” the undertaker uttered solemnly, “but there appears to be some confusion as to whether the body of the loved one is to be buried or cremated.”
“Let’s not take any chances,” “Do both” said the son-in-law.

[rondetto]

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mummy" the child said to her mother.

Then she added, "Mummy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."

[rondetto]

An Irishman was on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
He had won £200 and faced the next question
"Which Ronnie was one of the Great Train Robbers

Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Reagan
Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie Barker

"I'll take the £200, thanks Chris. I'm not a grass"

[rondetto]

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.

[rondetto]

An idiot guy walks up to the door of a bar, rolling a car wheel along with him. The bouncer says, “Hey, what are you doing with that?”
“Last time I came here, they said we had to have proper Identification and a tyre.”

[rondetto]

Two guys are talking in a bar. “I want to kill my wife,” says one. “Why not ask Arti, over there,” says the other man, pointing to a man at the fruit-machine.
“Arti over there is a top hitman,” the friend goes on. So the man approaches Arti.
“Are you Arti the hit-man?” asks the man. “Sure am,” replies Arti. “You couldn’t murder my wife for me, could you?” asks the man.
“I can,” replies Arti, “And you know, I promised my Master, who taught me the noble art of assassination, that I would do my one hundredth kill for a fee of just one pound and give the client two further kills for free.”
“Great,” says the man. Could you kill my wife, her sister and my mother-in-law?”
“OK”, replies Arti. “Get them to go to Tesco’s tomorrow at 10:00 AM.”
“Right,” says the man. The following day the man’s wife, her sister and his mother-in-law are tricked by the man to go to Tesco’s.
In walks Arti and in no time at all he strangles the wife, her sister and mother-in-law. All the newspapers lead with the same headline the following day – "Arti chokes three for a pound at Tesco’s."

[rondetto]

Junior had just received his brand new drivers licence. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the new driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man.

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me for sixteen years."

[rondetto]

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for £50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

[rondetto]

Following a burglary in a house while empty.
“Didn’t you suspect burglars had been in the house when you saw all the drawers pulled out and the contents scattered all over the floor?” asked the policeman.
“No, I just thought my husband had been looking for a clean shirt,” replied the woman.

[rondetto]

Three priests were having lunch in a restaurant.
One said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away."
Another said, "Me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church. Haven't seen one back since!"

[rondetto]

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps out of bed and says 'I've had enough of this,' and she goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'
The blonde says 'I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!'

[rondetto]

A woman had been teaching her three-year-old daughter, the
"Lord's Prayer". She carefully pronounced each word, right

up to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into temptation,"

she prayed, "but deliver us from spam e-mails. Amen."