|
|
Post by rondetto on Sept 10, 2020 14:04:23 GMT
A man is on trial for stealing an overcoat. The judge went straight to the point. "Did you steal this man's overcoat?" he demanded.
"No sir," the defendant replied, with a grin. "I was just playing joke on him."
"And where did you take the coat?" asked the judge.
"I removed it from the coat rack in the restaurant and carried it home with me."
"Guilty," snapped the judge.
"Guilty! Guilty of what?" asked the defendant.
"Guilty of carrying a joke too far!"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Sept 11, 2020 11:13:23 GMT
An atheist is walking along the bank of Loch Ness,
suddenly, out of the depths appears Nessie.
It snatched the atheist up in her jaws threw her head back, throwing the man up in the air.
Just before the atheist fell into Nessie's jaws he cries out
"Oh god help me!"
Amazingly, time froze and God appeared next to the atheist. God asked:
"My son, all your life you have forsaken me, why now do you call upon me?"
The atheist responded with: "Give me a break,until now I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Sept 15, 2020 11:38:06 GMT
A man asks his friend for a cigarette. His friend says, "I think you made a New Year resolution to quit smoking."
The man says, "I am in the process of quitting. Right now, I am in the middle of phase one."
"What's phase one?"
"I've quit buying them." 
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Sept 27, 2020 16:57:31 GMT
A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"
The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You’re so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Victoria station."
There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here."
As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."
"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No.5 bus to Victoria station? You idiot! Don't you know it's the No16 bus that goes to Victoria station?"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Sept 29, 2020 10:34:42 GMT
My 4 year old son has been learning Spanish all summer but still cant say the word for please....
I think that's poor for four..
_________________________________
Two starving cowboys..stranded in the desert...they spot a cactus covered in bacon....."we're saved..we're saved" they shouted...
One of them couldn't contain himself and run towards it..only to be met by a hail of bullets and falls down dead...
It wasn't a bacon tree it was a hambush.
________________________________
I was entering a singles bar last night when a bouncer started patting me down.
He said, "Have you got anything on you that you shouldn't have?"
"Yes," I replied. "My wedding ring!"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Oct 2, 2020 10:58:59 GMT
My wife said she wanted something nice and silky for her birthday.
No doubt this tin of Dulux will be the wrong colour.
____________________________________
I said to the lad in Tesco; ‘Is it true you carry customer's shopping to their car free of charge?’
He said ‘we do’.
As we got to my car I said ‘I only asked you to do it because I’m lazy’.
He said ‘I realise that. Here’s the Mars bar you bought."
________________________________________
I was speaking to a Chinese bloke in the pub the other night.
I asked him what he does for a living and he said, "I'm a Pirate."
I said, "Oh, you sail on a boat?"
He replied, "No, I fry pranes!"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Oct 3, 2020 12:20:27 GMT
A new strain of head lice is going around which is resistant to conventional treatments...
It has left scientists scratching their heads!
____________________________________
I got my grandma a special new walking frame made by NASA and she's starting to get the hang of it...
It's one small step for Nan!
____________________________________
Just been let down by a fancy dress shop after I tried to order a Shepherd’s outfit...
You can't get the staff these days!
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Oct 5, 2020 11:06:19 GMT
I tried to read a book today on the history of Sellotape, but I couldn't find the beginning!
___________________________________________________
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said, "Dad can't you just use a sponge?"
___________________________________________________
Fire alarm has just gone off at the Black and Decker factory.
Everything is fine, it was just a drill.
___________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Oct 7, 2020 12:18:40 GMT
Just had a painter and decorator round to do some work on the house. Turns out he's a currently furloughed British Airways pilot ... a bit expensive but he made a lovely job of the landing. 
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Oct 11, 2020 15:07:09 GMT
We lost at trivia last night when asked to name three Meatloaf songs.
We got 'Bat Out of Hell' and 'You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth' but for the life of us we couldn't remember the last one.
Oh well, I suppose two out of three ain't bad!
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Oct 12, 2020 14:10:33 GMT
When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors. As a young lawyer, I had filled her in on what to expect.
Asked about the occupations of family members, Mum answered, "My son is a lawyer."
As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an barrister or lawyer.
"Only to mow my lawn and wash the dishes."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Oct 14, 2020 14:54:12 GMT
The best medicine is laughter.
Unless you’re asthmatic then it’s ventolin.
________________________________
Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much...
It scared the hell out of me, so today I've decided never to read it again!
________________________________
You won’t hear from me for a while. I'm being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables...
I gotta lilo.
________________________________
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Oct 24, 2020 17:10:09 GMT
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up'?"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Oct 28, 2020 13:00:15 GMT
A 'Dominic Cummings' is now a golfing term...
It means a really long drive that goes out of bounds but there's no penalty!
--------------------------------------
I’ve been saying "mucho" to my Spanish friend a lot more often recently...
It means a lot to him!
--------------------------------------
I always wanted to be an astronaut just like my Dad...
He always wanted to be an astronaut too!
__________________________
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Oct 29, 2020 16:03:22 GMT
My phone rang on the bus this morning and after I'd taken the call, the guy behind me said,"Excuse me, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us? My friend and I heard your phone ringing and I'm pretty sure it was Beyoncé, but my friend is adamant it was Rihanna."
I said, "You're both wrong, it was my mum." 
|
|
