Ron's Jokes.

[rondetto]

A woman is walking out of the bank and she has a £50 note in each ear. She passes two bank workers, one turn to the other and says: "See that woman...she's £100 in arrears."
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I know a dog owner who had his dog's tail cut off. When I asked why he said his mother in law was coming to stay
and he didn't want the dog to make her feel welcome.
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A man goes into a pub with a lump of tarmac under his arm. He says t the barman. "A pint of beer please, and one for the road."
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[rondetto]

There will be no Nativity this year because the 3 Wise Men face a travel ban.

The shepherds have been furloughed
.
The inn keeper has shut under tier 3 regulations and had a slump in bookings
.
Santa won't be working as he would break the rule of 6 with Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Cupid, Comet, Donner and Blitzen
.
As for Rudolph, with that red nose he should be isolating and booking a test

[rondetto]

Bloke goes into a chemist and asks for rat poison. The assistant says 'we don't sell it - have you tried Boots?'.
He replied - 'I want to poison them not kick them to death'....
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It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub.
It’s a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
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I was sitting next to my girlfriend when I said, “I love you.”
She said, “Is that you or the beer talking?”
I said, “It’s me talking to the beer.”
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[rondetto]

I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you!

[rondetto]

Bought my girlfriend a fur coat made out of 3600 hamster skins and took her to Blackpool...
I couldn't get her off the big wheel for 2 days!
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Single man with toilet rolls would like to meet a female with hand sanitizer...
For good clean fun!
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At last some breaking good news.........
Jehovas Witnesses are working from home!
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Customs officers in Sydney have just intercepted a massive shipment of toilet
rolls concealed in a ton of cocaine!

[rondetto]

The dog ran off last night, so there I was walking round the park calling his name for 20 minutes but I couldn't find him.

My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head and got a tattoo. But I still can't find the dog!
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I thought Covid-19 would make a great computer password.

Until I realised everyone will get it...
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I've just had an almighty row with Mrs Ron. as I have bought two new cars.I tried to explain and said I was truly sorry and that I couldn't really help it as I have car owners virus.
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[rondetto]

I walked into a car showroom last night and I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in your shop window."

He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in our window?"

I said, "No you didn't...But You do now!"

[rondetto]

A burglar alarm sent out its piercing wail in the dark of night in Liverpool and the police arrived just in time to collar the burglar as he was leaving the premises with a big bag full of loot. Soon, he was in court facing a grim-looking judge.
"Did you have an accomplice?" asked the judge.
"What's an accomplice?" the burglar replied.
"A partner. In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?"
"You're joking," demanded the culprit. "Who can get honest and reliable help these days?"

[rondetto]

During a performance for the high school talent show at the local theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.

He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theatre shouted:

"Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"

[rondetto]

Yeah!!! First trip booked for 2021...
Hopefully off to Iceland in February. If that goes well probably looking at Asda in March and Tesco in April.
Yep, I know. I'm off my trolley.

[rondetto]

An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"
"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?"
"Well, a woman."
The lawyer bellowed angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
To which the witness replied meekly, "Well, my sister did."

[rondetto]

I stopped at a fast-food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat-Free chips. I'm on a diet so I decided to give them a try.

I was dismayed when the bloke pulled a basket of chips from the fryer, which was dripping with fat. He filled a bag with them and asked If I wanted salt and vinegar.

"Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat-free."

"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes . . . the fat is free!"

[rondetto]

"Doctor, you've got to help my husband," a farmer's wife said frantically. "He thinks he's a racehorse. He wants to live in a stable; he walks on all fours and he even eats hay."
"I'm sure we can cure him," the doctor replied, "I know an excellent psychiatrist but it'll be very costly."
"Oh, money's no object," she responded. "He's already won two races."

[rondetto]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father move from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."
Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"
"Why?" his father asked.
"Because the milkman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy my Mum!"

[rondetto]

Answer Machine:


Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, double glazed windows, or a roofing, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.