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Post by rondetto on Feb 7, 2021 12:33:36 GMT
She entered the office of a noted divorce lawyer. 'I want to know if I have grounds for divorce? 'she asked.
'Are you married?' asked the lawyer.
'Yes, I am.'
'Then, 'he replied, 'You have sufficient grounds.'
_____________
Innkeeper: "The room is £15 a night. It's £5 if you make your own bed."
Guest: "I'll make my own bed."
Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."
_____________
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Post by rondetto on Feb 8, 2021 13:01:53 GMT
At 8 p.m. one night, a pilot who had run out of fuel made an emergency landing at a top-secret government base. He was quickly surrounded by security and taken inside to be interrogated. The interrogation was grueling because they wanted to make sure it was an unplanned landing and he was not a spy.
The interrogation lasted all night. At 6 a.m. they refueled his plane and let him go with his promise never to return. Four hours later he returned and landed again.
Security met him on the runway. They asked him why he had come back.
'I know I promised never to return but I brought my wife with me and now you have explain where I was all night...'
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Post by rondetto on Feb 10, 2021 13:35:53 GMT
One day two blind men started fighting in the street.
Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.
Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out "I bet 10 quid on the one with the knife."
Both men who were fighting ran away immediately.
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Post by rondetto on Feb 11, 2021 16:08:59 GMT
Not too long ago a scientist tried to clone himself. However, his clone was very obnoxious and lewd, while the scientist was well received and respected. Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw his clone off the roof of the laboratory; killing the clone. He was arrested by the local police for... making a obscene clone fall.
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Post by rondetto on Feb 16, 2021 14:47:10 GMT
It was the first day of school and the teacher was asking the little boy about his family.
"And what does your Daddy do?"
"He's a magician."
"That must be exciting, what tricks can he do?"
"He can saw people in half."
"That is clever, and tell me do you have any brothers or sisters?"
"Yes, one half brother, and two half sisters."
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Post by rondetto on Feb 17, 2021 7:58:40 GMT
After 3 years, the wife starts to think that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Dear, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What’s up?"
Wife: "According to DNA test results, this is not our child."
Husband: "Well don’t you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet nappy and you said, “Eddie, go and change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.”
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Post by rondetto on Feb 24, 2021 18:42:27 GMT
A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’'
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”
__________________
Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?'
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.'
__________________
Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription. Simply showing your marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough!'
________________
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Post by rondetto on Mar 17, 2021 13:22:43 GMT
We've had that many power cuts in Britain this winter. A new electric car was introduced with a hatchback design that offered a great facility.
Dealers were inundated with requests for an upgraded rear window defroster.
When asked why, the more common response was: "To keep our hands warm while pushing it."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 20, 2021 14:41:25 GMT
Guy:" Do you wanna hang out this Friday?"
Girl: "Sorry, but I am getting married this Friday!"
Guy: "Ok, well congratulations! Then how about this Saturday?"
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Post by rondetto on Mar 24, 2021 14:59:30 GMT
Two mice live in a movie studio warehouse and are looking for food. Suddenly one hears the other chewing.
"What did you find?" he asks.
"I am not sure," comes the answer. "It looks like a piece of film celluloid from an old movie. Let me see... Ah, yes. It is from 'Gone with the Wind'".
"And how is it?"
"Not that good. The book was better."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 26, 2021 10:08:52 GMT
An old Jewish couple were having an argument.
Sadie, the Wife: "It's Ha-WAI-i!"
Morris, the Husband: "No, it's Ha-VAI-i!"
Both being extremely stubborn and too proud to look it up, they continued on like this on their way to the grocer's. On their way they bumped into a stranger and decided to finish it once and for all.
Morris: "Hello there. Tell me, please. Is it Ha-WAI-i or Ha-VAI-i?"
The stranger: "Ha-VAI-i."
Morris to Sadie: "See, Sadie? Never doubt me."
Morris to stranger: "Thank you very much."
Stranger: "You're velcome."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 5, 2021 10:59:35 GMT
The Scotland yard detective was questioning the bank teller after the bank had been robbed for the third time in a month by what appeared to be the same bandit.
"Did you notice anything special about the man?"
"Yes, he seemed to be better dressed each time!"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 12, 2021 12:58:55 GMT
A restaurant was packed with people watching a televised football match. Two diners gave the overworked waitress their order, then waited a long time without getting food.
Hearing the sound of cheers from the bar area, one diner joked, "It sounds like someone got served!"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 16, 2021 15:12:20 GMT
Two men met each other on the beach at Majorca. One looked at the other and asked, "Are you brown from the sun?"
"No," replied the other, "I'm Smith from The Times."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 18, 2021 11:30:36 GMT
“Boss can I have a week off around Christmas?”
“But It’s May...”
“Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”
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