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Post by rondetto on Apr 19, 2021 13:38:02 GMT
A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Excuse me little girl, but why do you keep staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour, and the table went quiet for her response. The little girl said, "My Dad says you can drink like a fish so I just want to see how you do it."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 27, 2021 16:52:01 GMT
A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.
For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.
Finally the old girl passed away.
On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years."
His wife looked at him aghast... "What the hell do you mean.... Aunt Emma?" she cried, "I thought she was your Aunt Emma!"
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Post by rondetto on May 1, 2021 10:10:47 GMT
During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"
With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.
"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."
"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you hang on a minute, I'll go with you."
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Post by rondetto on May 15, 2021 12:35:31 GMT
A man phoned his doctor saying his wife appeared to be having an appendicitis attack.
"That's impossible," the physician replied. "She had an appendectomy last year. Why are you bothering me for something as stupid as that? Have you ever seen anybody with a second appendix?"
"No, you fool!" the husband replied. "Have you ever seen anybody with a second wife?"
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Post by rondetto on May 23, 2021 11:59:59 GMT
An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by.
Then he spoke:
"Bill, you take the Crescent road houses."
"Mary, you take the offices in the City centre."
"Debra, the apartments over the High street are all yours."
"To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown."
The nurse was really impressed. She said, "Your husband must have been quite a man, amassing so much property to leave to all of you."
And the wife responded, "What property? ... the old bugger had a paper round !"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 14, 2021 13:37:13 GMT
"You see, doctor, I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning,” said Tracey.
"I have the solution for you," replied the doctor.
"Really, what is it?"
“Well, try getting up half an hour later."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 28, 2021 8:31:23 GMT
As their washing machine was playing up, my mate's wife asked him to drop his trousers off at the dry cleaners.
He got a nice round of applause from the ladies there but he's banned from there now.
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Post by rondetto on Jul 10, 2021 13:29:51 GMT
I went for a walk in the countryside yesterday. I looked over this fence and saw a little chicken. The chicken went "Cluck-Cluck" So I went "Cluck-Cluck"
I looked again and the same chicken went "Cluck-Cluck" again. So I went "Cluck-Cluck."
Then a policeman arrived and arrested us both for using fowl language.
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Post by rondetto on Jul 11, 2021 7:53:26 GMT
When our lawn mower broke, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of -first, the truck, the car, playing golf 'Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again as a joke I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
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Post by rondetto on Jul 14, 2021 9:43:22 GMT
It was summer 2020, a world wide pandemic. A shipwrecked sailor had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 19, 2021 12:11:29 GMT
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 20, 2021 15:28:16 GMT
To be appointed as a football league manager Wayne Rooney had to pass a test first. Examiner: "If one and one make two, and two and two makes four, how much does four and four make?"
Rooney: "That isn’t fair, You answer the easy ones yourself and leave the hard ones for me to answer."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 25, 2021 13:59:30 GMT
A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After awhile a tramp came up to her and said, "Hello, Luv, how about us going for a walk together?"
"How dare you!" said the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"
"Well, then," said the tramp, "what are you doing in my bed?"
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Post by rondetto on Jul 28, 2021 10:42:50 GMT
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
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Post by rondetto on Aug 6, 2021 12:11:32 GMT
Wayne was returning home from a business trip... bags in hand ... and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage.
Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. “Get in,” the driver ordered. “I'll take you to your car.”
Startled, Wayne took a step backward. “Ah ... no thanks,” he answered.“ I can get there myself.”
“No,” the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. “Get In !”
Wayne's eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.
Just then, the driver's face softened ..... “Please mate,” he said, “I've been driving up and down for two hours. I can't find a space to park and I want to know if I can have yours."
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