Ron's Jokes.

[rondetto]

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century,' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.'.
I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!

[rondetto]

In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "Thoap!"

[rondetto]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a garage. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the problem?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

[rondetto]

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

Finally, Nicola Sturgeon was located who had the same rare blood type.
After some coaxing, she donated her blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent Nicola a BMW, a diamond necklace, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.

A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a further corrective surgery procedure.
Once again, his doctor telephoned Nicola who was more than happy to donate her blood.
After the second surgery the Arab sent Nicola a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
Nicola was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate as she had anticipated.

She phoned the Arab and asked him:
"I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates?"

To this the Sheik replied:

“Aye lassie, but now I have Scottish blood in me veins”.

[rondetto]

A man went to Rome to study opera. At his first venue he sang his heart out and the audience shouted "Sing it again."
He was flattered so he sang it again and the audience shouted "Sing it again."  This happened once more with the audience shouting for him to sing it again.
By now the man was shattered so told the audience: "I'm sorry but I am tired and my voice is dry, I can't sing it again."
A voice from the audience shouted out: "Hey mate, you'll sing it again until you get it right."

[rondetto]

A young lady walks into a supermarket and on her way round she spots the chap who's had his wicked way with her the previous evening after they had met in a club.
He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves.
"You lying bastard!" she shouts, "last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!"
"No love, " he says, " I actually told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."

[rondetto]

Massive flood in lemonade factory!
A spokesperson said: "500 staff were Schwepped away."
_________________

Wife...."Last night I had a dream I was on a sun kissed beach."
Husband.... "I had a dream I was in bed with 3 horny women."
Wife..... "Was I one of them?"
Husband...... "No you were on a beach somewhere."
_________________

[rondetto]

David Beckham gets into a taxi at Dublin airport. He sees the driver looking at him for about 5 minutes in the rear view mirror.
Eventually the driver says "OK, give me a clue."
Beckham sighs and replies "Well I had a glittering career with Man United, married a Spice Girl and played over 100 times for England. Is that enough?"
Driver says "No you numpty, where the hell are you going?"

[rondetto]

I was browsing in a large high street department store, looking for suitable gifts.
A salesman soon spotted me and came to my assistance.
"Can I help you, sir"? He asked.
"Yes, I'd like to see what wristwatches you have for sale" I replied.
"Analogue" ? He asked.
Me: "No thanks, just the watch please."

[rondetto]

Wife: "Did you notice how sweet our neighbour is to his wife? He kisses her all the time. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "I would love to. But I hardly I know the woman."

[rondetto]

One Sunday in a Welsh church a young child was acting up during the morning worship hour.

The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.

Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly, "Hey preacher. Pray for me! Pray for me!"

[rondetto]

"Did you hear about that American actress who got stabbed?" "No, who was it?"
"I don't know, Reese something or other."
"Witherspoon?"
"No I believe it was with a knife."

[rondetto]

"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked men are climbing towards my bedroom window!"

"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."

"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

[rondetto]

A husband says to his to friend: "My wife wasn't happy with the bag and belt I gave her for her birthday“ but at least the vacuum cleaner works better now."

[rondetto]

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's our old teacher; ...she's dead."