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Post by rondetto on Nov 22, 2021 13:01:47 GMT
A couple had been trying for a baby for a few years without any luck. Eventually they
saw a specialist who said there was a new system to help them. It involved an injection of monkey glands. Within weeks the wife was pregnant.
On the day of the birth the father was anxious to see his first born and asked the doctor if it was a boy or a girl.
"We're not sure just yet." The doctor replied. "We're waiting it to come down from the chandelier before we can tell."
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Post by rondetto on Nov 25, 2021 13:13:04 GMT
A couple went Christmas shopping with their three young children in tow. After hours of traipsing around toyshops and hearing their kids ask for every item on the shelves, they were totally fed-up.
Weighed down with the bags, they squeezed into the crowded lift to take them up to the car park. The husband sighed aloud to nobody in particular ‘Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be arrested and strung up!’
A voice from the back of the lift replied quietly ‘Don’t worry sir, I believe they did actually crucify him.’
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Post by rondetto on Nov 28, 2021 13:06:12 GMT
Pub Landlord: "There's a storm outside. You can't go home in such bad weather -- why not spend the night here?"
Patrick O'Malley: "All right. Just let me go home first and get my pyjamas first."
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Post by rondetto on Nov 30, 2021 16:59:10 GMT
An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those petrol engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a cheque."
In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send cheque. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."
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Post by rondetto on Dec 4, 2021 15:55:40 GMT
Last night whilst watching tv,
Dave said to his wife
"you know what? You're the absolute double of Jennifer Aniston".
She gave him a cheeky grin & said "really?"
He said "yes sweetheart she's 9 stone and you're 18’’
Doctors say Dave should be home in time for Christmas
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Post by rondetto on Dec 7, 2021 17:10:57 GMT
A Scot and a geek applying for the same job. The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job." So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."
The Scot complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"
Well, the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered I don't know, and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, Me neither."
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Post by rondetto on Dec 13, 2021 11:09:20 GMT
My wife just told me not to buy any more rubbish for her at Christmas, or she'll burn it.
So I've got her a box of candles.
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Post by rondetto on Dec 22, 2021 14:35:09 GMT
A scratch golfer hits his ball three hundred yards straight down the fairway, and it hits a sprinkler and careens off into the woods. He finds the ball, but trees surround it. He is cheesed off, says what the hell, grabs his nine-iron, and hits the ball as hard as he can. It bounces off a tree back at the golfer’s head and kills him.
He arrives in heaven, and God himself is at the Pearly Gates to greet him. Looking up his records, God sees that the guy golf’s and says, “Are you any good?”
The golfer looks at God and says, “I got here in two, didn’t I?”
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Post by rondetto on Dec 26, 2021 14:58:14 GMT
We were poor when I was young.
My parents couldn't afford a lot.
I woke up on Christmas morning and I'd got a big box of toy soldiers.
I thought I would play with my Field Marshal, but there wasn't one.
So I thought I would play with the General but there wasn’t one.
I couldn't find Colonel's or Major's. No Captains or Lieutenants. No Sergeant's or Corporal's.
So I spent the rest of the day playing with my privates.
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Post by rondetto on Dec 28, 2021 11:12:17 GMT
When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.
One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered spine are doctors today. The rest of us are filling supermarket shelves.
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Post by rondetto on Dec 31, 2021 17:14:04 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Jan 5, 2022 12:22:54 GMT
A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.
Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!
"Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!"
"Oh, no," the husband says, "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 9, 2022 12:05:16 GMT
A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.
"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."
"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"
"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.
"You're sorry you sold her because you realized, too late, that you still loved her, is that right?"
"Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 12, 2022 17:07:02 GMT
Went to see a faith healer last night.
Absolute rubbish!
Guy in a wheelchair even got up and walked out.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 14, 2022 12:23:17 GMT
It was the end of the day when I parked my police car in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got in the back seat there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the car. Finally he said, "What offence did he do then?"
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