Post by akarana on Mar 19, 2011 19:38:48 GMT
This is my first MM fanfiction and as I can see also the first FF on here. It was created out of my sheer frustration with season 4 so far. Anyone else just wants them back together?!
Rating: T(for now. Might become M later)
Spoilers: Spoilers for season 4
Chapter 1
Seven months, nearly eight, she had been gone. 23 weeks and three days to be exact. He couldn't remember that he ever had missed anyone that badly before and no matter what had happened in his life it had never affected his work in that way.
Six months without any contact at all. Six months of asking himself what she was doing, how she was and if she was angry with him. He had disappointed her, he thought. He had remained silent when he should have spoken up. Another time when he had been silent for too long and she had left. For good. If only he could change time and go back to that moment, tell her how much he loved her and ask her on the spot to marry him, even without a ring.
Dr. Garland had asked for her hand after barely five months of knowing her, while he, William Murdoch, had wasted years. He should have learned his lesson the first time when he had let her go and had been more than miserable without her. However back then she hadn't left and he had been able to pretend for a while that her friendship was enough.
Now all he could have was her friendship. She was about to wed her doctor fiancé in a week and there was nothing he could do but stand by, watch and wish them all the best. He could see that Darcy loved Julia and it seemed he was content to be with her even without children. Apparently he hadn't been so foolish as to remain silent when she needed to hear simply that she was enough.
He was glad that she was back in the same town, working with him, but at the same time it felt like torture. Having her close but not being able to touch her; seeing her, but seeing her with him; knowing that he had a ring while she was wearing the ring of another man… There were moments every now and then when they both seemed to forget all that stood between them. They would talk, laugh and joke and just be happy to be together. Those were the moments he was living for now. Yet, they always came with a price when one or both of them realized what they were doing and that it wasn't proper for colleagues. Then they would stop and everything would get all awkward. The distance between them in the aftermath always hurt him the most.
Insomnia had become his enemy and his friend during these last months. Sometimes it helped him to lie awake and think about her and remember their good times. Other times it would hurt so much he wished he would allow himself a drink from time to time and get lost in the oblivion the alcohol would provide. Having a drunk as a father he knew that wasn't a good idea. Still, when the pain became excruciating, the sadness settled over him and his heart felt like it was ripped out of his body very slowly he wished he could escape it. Sometimes he rode his bike down to the river, other times he smashed something into tiny pieces and most of the times he would simply allow the tears to come and the sobs to wrack his body in the loneliness of his room.
This night he lay on his bed, stared up at the dark ceiling and thought. The same scenes were playing in his mind over and over again and he wished he knew a way to stop these pictures. He had wondered if he should tell her that he still loved her and ask her to marry him instead of Darcy. He couldn't do it. For one the bible said you shall not covet your neighbor's wife. Sure, she wasn't his wife yet, but wasn't fiancée very close? The main reason why he didn't try it thought was that Julia seemed happy with Darcy and he treated her well. He had left his hometown for her and had changed jobs. Darcy was a good man, maybe even better than him, so who was he to try and steal her away from the man who could possibly make her happier than he ever could?
He was startled out of his thoughts by a knock. At first he thought he had misheard, but then it knocked again on his door.
"Who is it?" he asked after he had clambered out of bed and had put on his robe and turned on the lamp.
"It's Dr. Garland, Detective," he heard the voice from the other side of the door. He raised both eyebrows in surprise and then opened the door. After the surprise came the concern for Julia when he saw the doctor's worried face.
"Is something wrong with Julia?" he asked hurriedly and then remembered who he was talking to. "Dr. Ogden, I mean," he corrected his mistake.
"I am sorry to wake you up detective, but I didn't know who else to ask for help," Darcy started and followed his unspoken invitation to step into the room. "I went to see Julia this evening to pick her up for dinner and after her housekeeper let me in she didn't come down on time. I found her in her room and she was… hysterical. At first she was crying, then she went silent and has been staring at the wall ever since. I'm at my wits end here and thought maybe you could… talk to her," the doctor explained frantically. William wasn't sure how exactly he was supposed to help. It wasn't like he and Julia had talked about private matters in the last months. However Darcy's worried expression let him know that something must be incredibly wrong. They needed his help… Julia needed his help and he wouldn't let her down again.
"Just give me a moment, doctor, I am just going to change," he nodded and saw the relief on the man's face.
"Thank you, detective," he sighed and left the room to wait for William in the hallway.
TBC
Chapter 2
When they arrived at Julia's house William was surprised how familiar and different it all seemed at the same time. She had kept her house when she had gone to Buffalo and standing in front of the brick building, he wondered once more why she hadn't sold it.
Dr. Garland knocked and a second later Julia's housekeeper Ms. Dawson opened the heavy wooden door, as if she had waited behind it.
"Detective," she smiled and seemed relieved when she saw him. It had been a while.
"Ms Dawson," he nodded in her direction as a greeting.
"Is Dr. Ogden still in her room?" the fiancé asked the housekeeper.
"Yes, she didn't leave the room," the elder lady replied and looked at William with a mixture of curiosity and worry.
Dr. Gardland led the way to Julia's room and William nervously adjusted his hat. He had never before been in her bedroom, not even when they still were an item and now he was about to enter when she was about to marry another man.
"Darling, I brought a friend… I thought you could need one," Darcy softly said to Julia who was still sitting on her bed, leaning against the headboard and stared at the wall.
'Fragile' was the first word that came to his mind when he saw her sitting there. 'Sad', was the next. Julia didn't react when Darcy talked to her but William saw that she gripped the blanket a bit tighter in her hands. So she heard him, he knew, but chose not to answer.
"Dr. Gardland, would you mind giving us a minute… alone," he requested and realized how scandalous his question was. The doctor didn't even seem to notice though, because he only nodded and left the room with a last worried glance in Julia's direction. Murdoch stepped closer to the bed and noticed how her long blonde hair fell loosely over her shoulder, unlike the complicated hairdos she usually wore. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying, wet tear tracks were still glistening on her cheeks and she seemed flushed from all the crying. Still, she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Hesitantly he sat down at the edge of the bed and was relieved when she turned her head and looked at him when she felt the bed dip.
"Julia, what's wrong?" he simply asked and was shocked when instantly her lower lip started quivering and her eyes filled anew with tears.
"Oh William," she sobbed, "Can you just hold me for a moment?" His heart was aching for her and he didn't hesitate to take her in his arms and gently hold her. Julia returned the embrace and clung to him like her life depended on it. He felt her tears on his neck, soaking into his shirt, but he didn't mind. He gently stroked over her hair that fell down over her back and reveled in the embraced, even under the circumstances. She still smelled as good as he remembered, her hair was just as soft and her body pressed against his felt heavenly.
Slowly she seemed to calm down and her sobs quieted. He didn't pull back for a whole while and neither did she. When he did however she was even more reluctant to let go than he was.
"Please, Julia, tell me what is wrong and let me help you. You're scaring me," he begged her and wiped one last tear off her cheek with his thumb. He froze for a second, then put more distance between them.
"I'm supposed to get married in a week, William," she told him- nothing new however. He remained silent and waited for her to go on. She looked down to her hands and fiddled with her handkerchief. "I just… I don't… I cannot get married to a man I am not in love with," she admitted and slowly looked up to meet his eyes. "At least not when I am still in love with someone else."
William felt like the world had stopped turning and as if he couldn't breathe anymore. He held her look and her eyes told him the words her mouth couldn't say. He prayed that his eyes were talking back and telling her the words he couldn't say out loud as he was frozen in shock. He had never thought it possible that she still… he had thought he had lost her… his Julia. Her face came closer and he couldn't be sure who moved, her or him. Their foreheads touched first and he had to close his eyes for a second against the onslaught of emotions that simple touch evoked in him. Next their noses touched and he cupped her cheek in his hand. He wanted to draw her closer and kiss her, but his mind spoke up once more before his heart could act.
"You need to talk to Dr. Garland, Julia. He's a good man and he's very worried about you," he said barely above a whisper.
"I don't know what to say, William. He gave up his life in Buffalo for me. How can I end our engagement now only a week before the wedding?" she asked and her voice had that frantic undertone again.
"It won't be easy, but you need to do it. You can't possibly go through with this marriage if it has you so upset a week before the ceremony," he reasoned with her and slowly pulled back so he could see her whole face and not only her eyes.
"It will be such a scandal," she whispered heartbrokenly. "And I will hurt him so badly when he never was anything but good to me."
"I think in the end he will understand," he tried to offer some solace.
"I will get myself more presentable then and talk to him," she finally agreed and he noticed only then that she only wore her nightshirt. He quickly got up and turned around when she pulled the covers back. Only when he had heard her tie the robe did he turn back around to face her.
" I don't know Dr. Garland all that well, but I truly think that it will be alright," he assured her again and tried to offer an encouraging smile before he turned to leave her room.
"William?" she asked, still a hint of panic swinging in her voice.
"Yes, Julia?" he replied and turned once more on his heels.
"Will you please wait until I spoke with Darcy? I think I will really need the… someone to be there once we have spoken," she requested.
"Whatever you want," he smiled gently and left her room.
TBC
Chapter 3
Chapter 3: Too late- again
William paced in the living-room while he waited for some kind of news. Julia was talking to Darcy for over an hour already and he had yet to hear shouting or any other sound. Instead it was strangely quiet and he wondered if she was even talking to him. Maybe she was back to crying? Back to the silence? Maybe she just couldn't tell him? He walked back to the canapé, but didn't sit down on it. He looked out the window into the darkness and then turned back around and walked to the large clock in the room.
She couldn't go through with the wedding because she didn't love Dr. Garland. Then why had she accepted his proposal, he wondered. Why would she say yes to a man she knew she didn't love? Maybe things had been different back in Buffalo, maybe she had had feelings for him. 'Not when I am still in love with another man', he heard her say in his memory. There was no doubt in his mind that she had meant him. She was still in love with him and that confused him probably more than anything else. Nothing she had done since she had told him she would leave Toronto made sense when he added the fact that she truly seemed to love him. She wouldn't put up with the scandal of a broken engagement a week before the wedding if she wouldn't. But then why did she leave him in the first place? Why did she leave her job as a pathologist to work as a doctor when she came back the first opportunity she got? Why would she get engaged to Darcy if she still loved him and why would she tell him she was engaged and they didn't have another chance when she loved him? With every question he acknowledged two more popped up in his head and he thought his brain would explode from the onslaught of unanswered questions. He wasn't able to explain what had gone wrong in the past and he wasn't able to explain what went on right now. Julia was the most beautiful and brilliant woman he had ever met, but also the most confusing. She made decisions and confronted him with them without explaining the reasoning behind them.
He knew that he would only get answers to all these questions if he opened his mouth and asked them; something he wasn't particularly good at. It was tragic that while he always asked the right questions at work and figured out every puzzle with it, he was condemned to silence when it came to Julia. Society, propriety, morals and religion had prevented him asking so many times in the past and he was left with a riddle he couldn't solve. His silence seemed to be a huge problem when it came to Julia. She wanted answers, wanted blunt words, honesty and the knowledge of his thoughts and feelings and he found himself unable to give them most of the time. He had remained silent when she had revealed her abortion to him and he had lost her the first time. He had remained silent when she had talked about leaving for Buffalo. He had told her he didn't like it, but he had never asked her to stay because he thought it wasn't his place to do so. He had also remained silent when she had told him she was sterile and couldn't give him kids and a family. The words he had wanted to tell her, should have told her, had come to him when he had bought the ring. It had been too late.
When he had seen her in Buffalo and when she had told him about her engagement he hadn't asked her if she still loved him and he hadn't told her he still loved her. He had congratulated her on her engagement, just as he was supposed to. It had killed him inside seeing him with Darcy and hearing them talk about visits to her parents and mutual friends. He hated it when he called her darling. And still he had smiled and nodded while he had been screaming inside.
Still, fate, or god, had intervened and in the end he seemed responsible for breaking up the engagement between the two of them. He should be ashamed and should have tried to talk her out of it, but he found himself unable to do so, because secretly he was happy about it. Julia wouldn't become Mrs. Darcy Garland and if he finally found the courage to tell her what he was really feeling for her, maybe she would be his again.
His thoughts were interrupted by steps outside in the hallway. He listened closely and heard the front door open and shut quietly and a moment of silence followed before the door to the living room opened and Julia stepped inside.
She still wore her robe and her nightshirt, her feet were only in white slippers and she had put a large shawl around her shoulders. However she had pulled her hair into a loose ponytail and seemed to have washed her face, because the tear tracks were gone and she didn't look as puffy and swollen anymore.
"Are you alright?" he asked her and watched her, trying to find a clue as to how her talk with Darcy had gone.
"Yes, I am. That you, William," she nodded and looked at him with wide eyes. She seemed to wait for something, but he wasn't sure for what and so he only stared back at her and finally raised his eyebrows slightly to communicate his confusion. Julia bit her lower lip and looked down to her feet. At the same time she pulled he shawl tighter around herself. When she looked back up she straightened and seemed to brace herself. "Is there anything you want to say?" she asked him and his confusion grew. What did she want to hear from him. Yes, he had all these questions about their past and even more about their future, but what exactly was it that she wanted him to say?
"I take it you and Dr. Garland broke the engagement," he finally said the most obvious thing and looked at her now empty ring finger. She seemed to sway a bit upon his words and her shoulders hung for a moment before she seemed to get a grip on herself once more.
"Yes, we did," she nodded as her facial expression hardened. "Thank you for coming over Detective Murdoch. I am sorry we had to bother you with our problems tonight," she said strangely detached and distant. "It is late and you should go home now," she finished and his confusion grew. What was going on? First she had asked him to stay, now she was sending him away after barely two words?
"Julia…what?" he stuttered, unable to really think.
"I am really tired, detective. Apologize my rudeness, but it really is late," she said quietly and didn't meet his eyes. He felt like she had hit him with a really large hammer. He felt dazed, hurt and unfocussed. Se he did the only thing he could. He nodded and took his hat.
"You are right, doctor. Have a good night," he managed to press out and then hurried out of the room and the house. The door slammed shut behind him and the cold air of the clear night hit his face. He just walked into some direction, nit really paying attention to where he was going. He ended up in the park and sat down on a bench, trying to catch his breath. Only then did it register with him that he had basically run there. When his breathe slowed and his pulse slowly settled to a normal rate his ability to think returned. He went through every moment of that last talk with Julia again and searched for clues. After thinking it through he was sure of three things. One: She still loved him. Two: She had wanted to hear something specific from him and he had said the wrong thing and three: She had distanced herself and had sent him away after he had said the wrong thing.
The bells of the church rang and announced that it was four o'clock in the morning and that he must have spent the better part of three hours on that park bench. The last time he had been up that late thinking the same scene over and over had been their last talk before she had left. It had been the night when he had decided to finally propose to her. However in the morning he had been too late. She had been gone. Gone. GONE.
His breath got stuck in his throat and his pulse sped up once more. Would she leave again? Would she change her mind about the wedding? Would she leave him again? He needed to talk to her- right then.
He ran back through the dark streets of Toronto and nearly got run over by a carriage twice. When he reached her house he pounded at the door like a man possessed. He didn't care about neighbors or gossip; he could only think about one thing. She couldn't leave again. When the maid opened the door for him for the second time that night she must have thought he had gone mad judging by the way she looked at him.
"Detective. It's four o'clock in the morning," she lectured him.
"I need to talk to Julia. She can't leave again," he said and hurried inside. He was already half way up the stairs when the maid called his name.
"Detective Murdoch. Miss Ogden isn't in her room," she said and his heart sank. He was too late- again. He gripped the banister for support and hoped his knees wouldn't give out. "Doctor Ogden is in the living room in front of the fireplace," he was told. This time he sighed out loud in relief.
TBC
Reviews and comments are really appreciated!
Rating: T(for now. Might become M later)
Spoilers: Spoilers for season 4
Chapter 1
Seven months, nearly eight, she had been gone. 23 weeks and three days to be exact. He couldn't remember that he ever had missed anyone that badly before and no matter what had happened in his life it had never affected his work in that way.
Six months without any contact at all. Six months of asking himself what she was doing, how she was and if she was angry with him. He had disappointed her, he thought. He had remained silent when he should have spoken up. Another time when he had been silent for too long and she had left. For good. If only he could change time and go back to that moment, tell her how much he loved her and ask her on the spot to marry him, even without a ring.
Dr. Garland had asked for her hand after barely five months of knowing her, while he, William Murdoch, had wasted years. He should have learned his lesson the first time when he had let her go and had been more than miserable without her. However back then she hadn't left and he had been able to pretend for a while that her friendship was enough.
Now all he could have was her friendship. She was about to wed her doctor fiancé in a week and there was nothing he could do but stand by, watch and wish them all the best. He could see that Darcy loved Julia and it seemed he was content to be with her even without children. Apparently he hadn't been so foolish as to remain silent when she needed to hear simply that she was enough.
He was glad that she was back in the same town, working with him, but at the same time it felt like torture. Having her close but not being able to touch her; seeing her, but seeing her with him; knowing that he had a ring while she was wearing the ring of another man… There were moments every now and then when they both seemed to forget all that stood between them. They would talk, laugh and joke and just be happy to be together. Those were the moments he was living for now. Yet, they always came with a price when one or both of them realized what they were doing and that it wasn't proper for colleagues. Then they would stop and everything would get all awkward. The distance between them in the aftermath always hurt him the most.
Insomnia had become his enemy and his friend during these last months. Sometimes it helped him to lie awake and think about her and remember their good times. Other times it would hurt so much he wished he would allow himself a drink from time to time and get lost in the oblivion the alcohol would provide. Having a drunk as a father he knew that wasn't a good idea. Still, when the pain became excruciating, the sadness settled over him and his heart felt like it was ripped out of his body very slowly he wished he could escape it. Sometimes he rode his bike down to the river, other times he smashed something into tiny pieces and most of the times he would simply allow the tears to come and the sobs to wrack his body in the loneliness of his room.
This night he lay on his bed, stared up at the dark ceiling and thought. The same scenes were playing in his mind over and over again and he wished he knew a way to stop these pictures. He had wondered if he should tell her that he still loved her and ask her to marry him instead of Darcy. He couldn't do it. For one the bible said you shall not covet your neighbor's wife. Sure, she wasn't his wife yet, but wasn't fiancée very close? The main reason why he didn't try it thought was that Julia seemed happy with Darcy and he treated her well. He had left his hometown for her and had changed jobs. Darcy was a good man, maybe even better than him, so who was he to try and steal her away from the man who could possibly make her happier than he ever could?
He was startled out of his thoughts by a knock. At first he thought he had misheard, but then it knocked again on his door.
"Who is it?" he asked after he had clambered out of bed and had put on his robe and turned on the lamp.
"It's Dr. Garland, Detective," he heard the voice from the other side of the door. He raised both eyebrows in surprise and then opened the door. After the surprise came the concern for Julia when he saw the doctor's worried face.
"Is something wrong with Julia?" he asked hurriedly and then remembered who he was talking to. "Dr. Ogden, I mean," he corrected his mistake.
"I am sorry to wake you up detective, but I didn't know who else to ask for help," Darcy started and followed his unspoken invitation to step into the room. "I went to see Julia this evening to pick her up for dinner and after her housekeeper let me in she didn't come down on time. I found her in her room and she was… hysterical. At first she was crying, then she went silent and has been staring at the wall ever since. I'm at my wits end here and thought maybe you could… talk to her," the doctor explained frantically. William wasn't sure how exactly he was supposed to help. It wasn't like he and Julia had talked about private matters in the last months. However Darcy's worried expression let him know that something must be incredibly wrong. They needed his help… Julia needed his help and he wouldn't let her down again.
"Just give me a moment, doctor, I am just going to change," he nodded and saw the relief on the man's face.
"Thank you, detective," he sighed and left the room to wait for William in the hallway.
TBC
Chapter 2
When they arrived at Julia's house William was surprised how familiar and different it all seemed at the same time. She had kept her house when she had gone to Buffalo and standing in front of the brick building, he wondered once more why she hadn't sold it.
Dr. Garland knocked and a second later Julia's housekeeper Ms. Dawson opened the heavy wooden door, as if she had waited behind it.
"Detective," she smiled and seemed relieved when she saw him. It had been a while.
"Ms Dawson," he nodded in her direction as a greeting.
"Is Dr. Ogden still in her room?" the fiancé asked the housekeeper.
"Yes, she didn't leave the room," the elder lady replied and looked at William with a mixture of curiosity and worry.
Dr. Gardland led the way to Julia's room and William nervously adjusted his hat. He had never before been in her bedroom, not even when they still were an item and now he was about to enter when she was about to marry another man.
"Darling, I brought a friend… I thought you could need one," Darcy softly said to Julia who was still sitting on her bed, leaning against the headboard and stared at the wall.
'Fragile' was the first word that came to his mind when he saw her sitting there. 'Sad', was the next. Julia didn't react when Darcy talked to her but William saw that she gripped the blanket a bit tighter in her hands. So she heard him, he knew, but chose not to answer.
"Dr. Gardland, would you mind giving us a minute… alone," he requested and realized how scandalous his question was. The doctor didn't even seem to notice though, because he only nodded and left the room with a last worried glance in Julia's direction. Murdoch stepped closer to the bed and noticed how her long blonde hair fell loosely over her shoulder, unlike the complicated hairdos she usually wore. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying, wet tear tracks were still glistening on her cheeks and she seemed flushed from all the crying. Still, she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Hesitantly he sat down at the edge of the bed and was relieved when she turned her head and looked at him when she felt the bed dip.
"Julia, what's wrong?" he simply asked and was shocked when instantly her lower lip started quivering and her eyes filled anew with tears.
"Oh William," she sobbed, "Can you just hold me for a moment?" His heart was aching for her and he didn't hesitate to take her in his arms and gently hold her. Julia returned the embrace and clung to him like her life depended on it. He felt her tears on his neck, soaking into his shirt, but he didn't mind. He gently stroked over her hair that fell down over her back and reveled in the embraced, even under the circumstances. She still smelled as good as he remembered, her hair was just as soft and her body pressed against his felt heavenly.
Slowly she seemed to calm down and her sobs quieted. He didn't pull back for a whole while and neither did she. When he did however she was even more reluctant to let go than he was.
"Please, Julia, tell me what is wrong and let me help you. You're scaring me," he begged her and wiped one last tear off her cheek with his thumb. He froze for a second, then put more distance between them.
"I'm supposed to get married in a week, William," she told him- nothing new however. He remained silent and waited for her to go on. She looked down to her hands and fiddled with her handkerchief. "I just… I don't… I cannot get married to a man I am not in love with," she admitted and slowly looked up to meet his eyes. "At least not when I am still in love with someone else."
William felt like the world had stopped turning and as if he couldn't breathe anymore. He held her look and her eyes told him the words her mouth couldn't say. He prayed that his eyes were talking back and telling her the words he couldn't say out loud as he was frozen in shock. He had never thought it possible that she still… he had thought he had lost her… his Julia. Her face came closer and he couldn't be sure who moved, her or him. Their foreheads touched first and he had to close his eyes for a second against the onslaught of emotions that simple touch evoked in him. Next their noses touched and he cupped her cheek in his hand. He wanted to draw her closer and kiss her, but his mind spoke up once more before his heart could act.
"You need to talk to Dr. Garland, Julia. He's a good man and he's very worried about you," he said barely above a whisper.
"I don't know what to say, William. He gave up his life in Buffalo for me. How can I end our engagement now only a week before the wedding?" she asked and her voice had that frantic undertone again.
"It won't be easy, but you need to do it. You can't possibly go through with this marriage if it has you so upset a week before the ceremony," he reasoned with her and slowly pulled back so he could see her whole face and not only her eyes.
"It will be such a scandal," she whispered heartbrokenly. "And I will hurt him so badly when he never was anything but good to me."
"I think in the end he will understand," he tried to offer some solace.
"I will get myself more presentable then and talk to him," she finally agreed and he noticed only then that she only wore her nightshirt. He quickly got up and turned around when she pulled the covers back. Only when he had heard her tie the robe did he turn back around to face her.
" I don't know Dr. Garland all that well, but I truly think that it will be alright," he assured her again and tried to offer an encouraging smile before he turned to leave her room.
"William?" she asked, still a hint of panic swinging in her voice.
"Yes, Julia?" he replied and turned once more on his heels.
"Will you please wait until I spoke with Darcy? I think I will really need the… someone to be there once we have spoken," she requested.
"Whatever you want," he smiled gently and left her room.
TBC
Chapter 3
Chapter 3: Too late- again
William paced in the living-room while he waited for some kind of news. Julia was talking to Darcy for over an hour already and he had yet to hear shouting or any other sound. Instead it was strangely quiet and he wondered if she was even talking to him. Maybe she was back to crying? Back to the silence? Maybe she just couldn't tell him? He walked back to the canapé, but didn't sit down on it. He looked out the window into the darkness and then turned back around and walked to the large clock in the room.
She couldn't go through with the wedding because she didn't love Dr. Garland. Then why had she accepted his proposal, he wondered. Why would she say yes to a man she knew she didn't love? Maybe things had been different back in Buffalo, maybe she had had feelings for him. 'Not when I am still in love with another man', he heard her say in his memory. There was no doubt in his mind that she had meant him. She was still in love with him and that confused him probably more than anything else. Nothing she had done since she had told him she would leave Toronto made sense when he added the fact that she truly seemed to love him. She wouldn't put up with the scandal of a broken engagement a week before the wedding if she wouldn't. But then why did she leave him in the first place? Why did she leave her job as a pathologist to work as a doctor when she came back the first opportunity she got? Why would she get engaged to Darcy if she still loved him and why would she tell him she was engaged and they didn't have another chance when she loved him? With every question he acknowledged two more popped up in his head and he thought his brain would explode from the onslaught of unanswered questions. He wasn't able to explain what had gone wrong in the past and he wasn't able to explain what went on right now. Julia was the most beautiful and brilliant woman he had ever met, but also the most confusing. She made decisions and confronted him with them without explaining the reasoning behind them.
He knew that he would only get answers to all these questions if he opened his mouth and asked them; something he wasn't particularly good at. It was tragic that while he always asked the right questions at work and figured out every puzzle with it, he was condemned to silence when it came to Julia. Society, propriety, morals and religion had prevented him asking so many times in the past and he was left with a riddle he couldn't solve. His silence seemed to be a huge problem when it came to Julia. She wanted answers, wanted blunt words, honesty and the knowledge of his thoughts and feelings and he found himself unable to give them most of the time. He had remained silent when she had revealed her abortion to him and he had lost her the first time. He had remained silent when she had talked about leaving for Buffalo. He had told her he didn't like it, but he had never asked her to stay because he thought it wasn't his place to do so. He had also remained silent when she had told him she was sterile and couldn't give him kids and a family. The words he had wanted to tell her, should have told her, had come to him when he had bought the ring. It had been too late.
When he had seen her in Buffalo and when she had told him about her engagement he hadn't asked her if she still loved him and he hadn't told her he still loved her. He had congratulated her on her engagement, just as he was supposed to. It had killed him inside seeing him with Darcy and hearing them talk about visits to her parents and mutual friends. He hated it when he called her darling. And still he had smiled and nodded while he had been screaming inside.
Still, fate, or god, had intervened and in the end he seemed responsible for breaking up the engagement between the two of them. He should be ashamed and should have tried to talk her out of it, but he found himself unable to do so, because secretly he was happy about it. Julia wouldn't become Mrs. Darcy Garland and if he finally found the courage to tell her what he was really feeling for her, maybe she would be his again.
His thoughts were interrupted by steps outside in the hallway. He listened closely and heard the front door open and shut quietly and a moment of silence followed before the door to the living room opened and Julia stepped inside.
She still wore her robe and her nightshirt, her feet were only in white slippers and she had put a large shawl around her shoulders. However she had pulled her hair into a loose ponytail and seemed to have washed her face, because the tear tracks were gone and she didn't look as puffy and swollen anymore.
"Are you alright?" he asked her and watched her, trying to find a clue as to how her talk with Darcy had gone.
"Yes, I am. That you, William," she nodded and looked at him with wide eyes. She seemed to wait for something, but he wasn't sure for what and so he only stared back at her and finally raised his eyebrows slightly to communicate his confusion. Julia bit her lower lip and looked down to her feet. At the same time she pulled he shawl tighter around herself. When she looked back up she straightened and seemed to brace herself. "Is there anything you want to say?" she asked him and his confusion grew. What did she want to hear from him. Yes, he had all these questions about their past and even more about their future, but what exactly was it that she wanted him to say?
"I take it you and Dr. Garland broke the engagement," he finally said the most obvious thing and looked at her now empty ring finger. She seemed to sway a bit upon his words and her shoulders hung for a moment before she seemed to get a grip on herself once more.
"Yes, we did," she nodded as her facial expression hardened. "Thank you for coming over Detective Murdoch. I am sorry we had to bother you with our problems tonight," she said strangely detached and distant. "It is late and you should go home now," she finished and his confusion grew. What was going on? First she had asked him to stay, now she was sending him away after barely two words?
"Julia…what?" he stuttered, unable to really think.
"I am really tired, detective. Apologize my rudeness, but it really is late," she said quietly and didn't meet his eyes. He felt like she had hit him with a really large hammer. He felt dazed, hurt and unfocussed. Se he did the only thing he could. He nodded and took his hat.
"You are right, doctor. Have a good night," he managed to press out and then hurried out of the room and the house. The door slammed shut behind him and the cold air of the clear night hit his face. He just walked into some direction, nit really paying attention to where he was going. He ended up in the park and sat down on a bench, trying to catch his breath. Only then did it register with him that he had basically run there. When his breathe slowed and his pulse slowly settled to a normal rate his ability to think returned. He went through every moment of that last talk with Julia again and searched for clues. After thinking it through he was sure of three things. One: She still loved him. Two: She had wanted to hear something specific from him and he had said the wrong thing and three: She had distanced herself and had sent him away after he had said the wrong thing.
The bells of the church rang and announced that it was four o'clock in the morning and that he must have spent the better part of three hours on that park bench. The last time he had been up that late thinking the same scene over and over had been their last talk before she had left. It had been the night when he had decided to finally propose to her. However in the morning he had been too late. She had been gone. Gone. GONE.
His breath got stuck in his throat and his pulse sped up once more. Would she leave again? Would she change her mind about the wedding? Would she leave him again? He needed to talk to her- right then.
He ran back through the dark streets of Toronto and nearly got run over by a carriage twice. When he reached her house he pounded at the door like a man possessed. He didn't care about neighbors or gossip; he could only think about one thing. She couldn't leave again. When the maid opened the door for him for the second time that night she must have thought he had gone mad judging by the way she looked at him.
"Detective. It's four o'clock in the morning," she lectured him.
"I need to talk to Julia. She can't leave again," he said and hurried inside. He was already half way up the stairs when the maid called his name.
"Detective Murdoch. Miss Ogden isn't in her room," she said and his heart sank. He was too late- again. He gripped the banister for support and hoped his knees wouldn't give out. "Doctor Ogden is in the living room in front of the fireplace," he was told. This time he sighed out loud in relief.
TBC
Reviews and comments are really appreciated!
Would surely be fun to write 
can't wait for other chapters!the best fanfic ever!