Post by katwithak on Oct 3, 2011 12:06:21 GMT
"And that's enough?" "Sometimes it has to be."
Staring out her window at the rain on her wedding night, Julia contemplates lonely places.
A short story, for Julia's wedding night, from her perspective. Of course, she does not know what William has done or how he has resigned from the force. Which makes it all the more sad. The italics are the conversation from the end of Dead End Street that so obviously had such deeper meaning. I thought they were relevant to what they would feel afterwards as well. Anyways, thanks for reading, I hope you enjoy!
It's not supposed to rain on your wedding day.
Technically, it didn't. This is her wedding night.
But it's much out of muchness, and she's standing at the open window, which she should close, at a time when she should be in her bed, and should be happier than anything, and shouldn't be thinking about him. She stays there though, immobile, liking the harsh wind and the little bit of spray and the chill and the freedom.
Such a lonely place.
She feels alone, and she has so much. For a second she lets herself think of how he must feel, but she banishes that thought. Weakness, and she'll find herself running through the streets, clad in only her nightgown and drenched with rain and hair flying, banging on his door.
There's a lesson in this. It must be something like how you're not supposed to be married to one man, when all you want is another.
For that matter, you're not supposed to meet the man of your dreams just for everything to go so far wrong that you left your bed on your wedding night and are letting the droplets of rain be your surrogate tears because you can't cry anymore, so maybe it's just a theme in her life that not much ever goes the way that it should.
Why do you say that?
Darcy moves in the bed, flinging an arm onto her pillow, and half conscious mumbles her name. She looks back, but he's already fallen asleep again, sprawling himself over her half of the bed.
To be fair, she does love Darcy. She honestly does. She would like to spend the rest of her life with him, honestly. She would like him even more if she had never met William.
Because she can't communicate her feelings.
She doesn't just want to spend the rest of her life with William. She wants to spend her every day, her every waking hour, her every second. She wants to hear his breath, she wants to shiver when that warm breath breathes over her. She loves his honest comments, his fascination with life and learning, his awkwardness with emotion, and all those little things that make him. She just wants him, and if she didn't have him before, she most definitely can't get him now.
She needs him. He's always been there when she needs him. Where is he now?
You believe that makes her unhappy?
She tells herself she'll be happy. She will be. It will hurt, seeing him every day, but she would rather see him than not. She'll seek some solace in his presence during those few fleeting times when they're together, and she'll just keep existing, and she'll make Darcy happy, because she doesn't want anymore disappointment. She'll make everything alright; everything is going to be alright. She just wants to stand here for a bit longer, staring out at the storm and not turning around. Maybe he's staring at the same storm as her somewhere.
Hmm. I don't think Lydia views her life the way we do. I think there's a solace in certainty and order that sustains her.
She already wants to see him again. He makes her forget, which is a relief, even for a second.
As long as he doesn't stare at her for too long. She has no control of herself when he does. That's when she gets lost, every single time. The world fades away, and she's not quite sure if she's on the ground, not quite sure of anything except for his eyes, those beautiful dark eyes all focused only on her. His eyes are dangerous. She's not asking for escape, she's resigned herself too much for that, just for some precious moments of breathlessness.
But as long as she gets a little bit of him, just little doses to make little dreams out of, she'll get by.
And that's enough?
Things will get better. Things have to get better. She'll become adapted, and maybe he'll meet someone new. That will hurt. A lot. But, maybe it will make her feel a little less empty knowing he can get at least something he wants, that he has someone who would look after him when she obviously can't, that maybe that person will help him forget.
Sometimes it has to be.
That's the goal, isn't it? Forget. Forget they were going to be everything, forget he still is her everything, pick yourself up, try again, try to compensate, try to make it all stop.
Not like it's helping her, but she can't go back, no matter how much she wants to, so she stands here, making future worlds for both of them, some tragic and probably more realistic than she wants to face, some more fantastical which she likes a lot more.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
It's not supposed to rain on your wedding night, but maybe she deserves it.
Thanks for reading! Reviews would be phenomenal, tell me if you like the style?