Ron's Jokes.

[rondetto]

They had lived together in the hillsides of Ireland for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, her husband took her to London and they checked into a plush hotel. She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning. " "But, madam!", replied the bellman. "Don't "But madam' me," she continued.
"You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager."
"Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; this is just the elevator!"

[rondetto]

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next term in her biology class."

[rondetto]

These answers were given in a school exam, yes really they were.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

[rondetto]

A man was cutting side of a capsule before taking it.

His Friend asked him why are you doing so ?

He replied :-"TO AVOID SIDE EFFECTS"....!!

[rondetto]

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based on past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter. The post mortem led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

[rondetto]

When chemists die, do they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst kind.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are really pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? The saurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of Communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in London's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!


Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Velcro. What a rip off!

[rondetto]

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman arrived in London too late to buy tickets for the 2012 Olympics. Even the touts had nothing to offer.
The three were outside the main stadium and the cheers of the crowd were loud in their ears and every so often the tune of a national anthem would blare out as some athletic event was won.
"Well, we've come this far, laddies," said the Scot. "I'm not going to be beaten." So saying, he looked around for inspiration and suddenly his eyes lit up. He ran to the car park fenced off with barbed wire held in place with long wooden stakes. He uprooted a stake, then stripped down to his singlet and underpants.
His companions watched as, with stake clasped firmly in both hands, he jogged to the competitors' entrance. They heard him say: "McFaddon, pole vault competitor", and watched amazed as he was admitted to the arena.
Inspired, the Englishman looked about; his eyes, lighted on the nearby cars. Without hesitation, he too stripped to his underwear, grabbed a hub cap from a nearby Holden and, jogging to the entrance, announced himself: "Lincoln, I'm expected for the discus event". He too was admitted.
"Sure now," muttered the Irishman, "three can play at that game". So saying, he stripped to his underpants....
But the gateman was not deceived. This figure before him, wrapped in barbed wire and dripping blood from the many small cuts it made was not "O'Leary, I'm here for the fencing".

[rondetto]

A medieval knight was on a quest for his king when his horse became frightened by the lightning of a terrible storm and became lame. He went to a nearby castle in the downpour, told its gatekeeper of his problem, and asked to borrow a horse.

The gatekeeper replied, "I'm sorry, sir, but we have no horses to spare."

Just then, the knight noticed a huge Great Dane nearby large enough to ride. "Well, then, may I ride your Great Dane instead?"

"Are you kidding?" replied the gatekeeper. "I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this!"

[andi]

What a wonderful addition to this site. Thanks for the funny CLEAN jokes.....I really needed to laugh today!!!!

[rondetto]

Thanks Andi, and there's more:

I was thinking how to come up with the world's third- biggest lie -- right after :

"The check is in the mail" and "I'm from the government and I'm here to help you."

Here is a sample of my thoughts:

- "It's a good thing you came in today. We only have two more in stock."

- "Five pounds is nothing on a person of your height."

- "You made it yourself? I never would have guessed."

- "Of course I'll respect you in the morning."

- "You don't look a day over 40."

[rondetto]

One co worker was talking to another co worker by the water cooler one day. He said:

"My uncle in Birkenhead tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Volvo, the tyres from a BMW, and the exhaust system from a Citroen."

The other co worker replied, "Really? What did he get?"

"Fifteen years."

[rondetto]

Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'

Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'

Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'

Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'

Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'

Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'

[rondetto]

The shipwrecked sailor had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of British newspapers and told him,

"With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."

[rondetto]

Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Buford the last time he walked into the clinic:

The receptionist wrote down his name, address, and medical insurance number then told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later, a nurse's aid came out and asked Buford what did he have? Buford said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what did he have? Buford said, "Shingles", so she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Finally the doctor arrived and took a quick glance all over Buford's naked body. He finally asked Buford, "Where do you have the shingles?"

"Outside on the truck; where do you want them?" Buford said.

[rondetto]

A man called a motel. "How much is a room?"

The clerk said, "It depends on the size of the room and the number of people." "Do you take children?" asked the man.

"No, sir," replied the clerk. "Only cash and credit cards!" ;D