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Post by rondetto on Jun 7, 2012 16:23:28 GMT
Wife: "Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don't you do that? "
Husband: "How can I? I hardly know the woman." ;D
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Post by rondetto on Jun 9, 2012 15:52:29 GMT
Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the table cloth.
He called the waitress over and said, "It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked."
The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?"
"Yes."
"Well, maybe it has a leek in it!" 
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Post by rondetto on Jun 10, 2012 13:19:10 GMT
Usain Bolt, the Olympic Gold Medal runner, was on his way to a club with some friends. At the door, the bouncer turned to him and said "Sorry, mate, you can't come in here - no denims allowed."
Usain was quite annoyed at this and retorted, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt."
"Then it won't take you long to run home and change, will it?" replied the bouncer.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 19, 2012 17:15:15 GMT
A woman goes to the doctor complaining she felt ugly. The woman tells the doctor: "I looked in the mirror and my hair was
all frazzled,my skin was wrinkled, my eyes were bloodshot and
my face looked corpse-like.
What's wrong?"
The doctor looks at her for a minute, then says:
"Well there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 24, 2012 18:13:10 GMT
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".
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Post by rondetto on Jul 3, 2012 11:21:41 GMT
A guy had a girlfriend named Lorraine. She was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there.
Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous!
He began to like her and, after awhile, it became obvious that she was interested in him, too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell into the river and drowned.
The guy stopped there by the river for a moment, lamenting Lorraine's sudden loss. After he thought for awhile, he wiped the tears from his eyes, then ran off smiling and singing, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone..."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 20, 2012 16:47:56 GMT
A man walks into a pub with a neck brace around his neck. He asks for a pint. The bartender gives him one.
Then the man asks, "Who's in the lounge?" The bartender replies. "15 people playing darts."
The man says, "Get them a pint too."
Then he asks, "Who's upstairs?" The bartender replies, "150 people at the disco."
The man says, "Get them a drink too."
The bartender says, "That will be £328 please."
The man says, "Sorry but I haven't got that much money on me."
The bartender says, "If you were at the pub a mile from here, they would have broken your neck."
The man says, "I've all ready been there."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 26, 2012 10:34:25 GMT
An army Major visiting sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir"
"Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bad. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before them two, Sir."
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Post by rondetto on Aug 2, 2012 16:02:00 GMT
After giving a woman a full medical examination, the doctor explained his prescription as he wrote it out.
"When you get up, take the green pill with a glass of water. Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water."
"Exactly what is my problem, Doctor?" the woman asked.
"You're not drinking enough water."
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Post by rondetto on Aug 10, 2012 16:40:04 GMT
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook...."
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Post by rondetto on Aug 13, 2012 8:57:44 GMT
Two Irish buddies, Pat and Mick went on a fishing trip. They rented all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spent a fortune.
The first day they went fishing, but they didn't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their fishing holiday, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home, the men are really depressed. Pat turned to Mick and said, Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen-hundred pounds?
Mick said, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more.""
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Post by rondetto on Aug 14, 2012 13:13:46 GMT
Two mice live in a movie studio warehouse and are looking for food. Suddenly one hears the other chewing.
"What did you find?" he asks.
"I am not sure," comes the answer. "It looks like a piece of film celluloid from an old movie. Let me see... Ah, yes. It is from 'Gone with the Wind'".
"And how is it?"
"No too good. The book was better."
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Post by rondetto on Aug 26, 2012 16:57:11 GMT
Three Irish men and three Scots are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Irish men each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an Irishman.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a Scot.
They all board the train. The Irish take their respective seats but all three Scots cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Irish men see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Irish decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money,and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scotsmen don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Irish. Watch and you'll see," answers a Scot.
When they board the train the three Irish cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scotsmen leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Irish men are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
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Post by rondetto on Oct 1, 2012 9:25:47 GMT
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
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Post by rondetto on Oct 2, 2012 10:56:05 GMT
A local man was found murdered in his home in our town over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bath.
The bath had been filled with milk and corn flakes, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks.
Police suspect a cereal killer.
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Jan 30, 2013 21:44:55 GMT