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Post by rondetto on Mar 7, 2011 18:18:12 GMT
Four brothers left home to go to college.
and they became successful doctors and lawyers, and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute £100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
" Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
Dearest Bob, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift....
The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 7, 2011 18:19:12 GMT
If you remember Abbot and Costello, just read this.
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous skit "Who's On First"...would have sounded like this instead!
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START.
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Post by rondetto on Mar 7, 2011 18:20:22 GMT
There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons.
Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."
After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and came off, wrecking the bike. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened.
The police asked him, "Are either of them showing any life signs?"
The farmer then said, "Well, that first one was until I turned his head around the right way." 
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Post by rondetto on Mar 7, 2011 18:21:24 GMT
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”
The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing.” ;D
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Post by rondetto on Mar 8, 2011 15:42:22 GMT
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis". |
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Post by Lucy on Mar 8, 2011 16:15:26 GMT
aha I love the first one and the one you just posted!
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Post by rondetto on Mar 9, 2011 10:27:42 GMT
It's the way I tell em' |
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Post by rondetto on Mar 11, 2011 18:13:58 GMT
"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?" 
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Post by rondetto on Mar 11, 2011 18:14:52 GMT
A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"
The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.
The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.
"Good, good," the doctor said. "Now, come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'." ;D
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Post by rondetto on Mar 11, 2011 18:36:24 GMT
A blonde walked into a hairdresser's with a pair of headphones on and asked the hairdresser for a haircut - but "don't touch the headphones o.k.?" "Fine," said the hairdresser - a little taken aback - but happy for the work.
Three weeks later, the same blonde returned and asked for another haircut but with the same condition, "Whatever you do ... don't touch the headphones." "No problem," said the hairdresser who went on to give her another good cut, considering the restraint.
Three weeks later, the same thing happened "and don't forget - don't touch the headphones" said the blonde. Well, just as the hairdresser was finished, she couldn't resist and she just lifted one side of the headphones up. The blonde promptly fell stone dead on the floor of the shop.
"Oh my God - I think I've killed her!" screamed the hairdresser. She picked up the headphones and put them on herself only to hear the strangest thing...
"breathe in...breathe out... breathe in...breathe out."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 11, 2011 18:41:48 GMT
Q: Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic?
A: It has a 12 month waiting list.
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Post by rondetto on Mar 12, 2011 11:56:28 GMT
A drunk staggered into the confessional on Ash Wednesday. The drunk professed, "Father, for lent, I'm going to pray a whole bunch and I'm going do that thing where you give up food in between meals.The Priest responded, "You're going to fast?" The drunk started again, "I'm---------going-----------to------------do-------------that-----------thing......" ;D
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Post by rondetto on Mar 12, 2011 16:20:27 GMT
This dumb blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, ”What are you carrying?”
”Melons,” the dumb blonde replies.
”Cool,” the guy says. “If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?”
The dumb blonde giggles and says, ”If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them.” 
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Post by rondetto on Mar 13, 2011 13:00:26 GMT
A doctor was out getting his morning exercise when he noticed a little old lady sitting on her front steps smoking a cigar. The doctor could not resist stopping to talk with her. He walked up and asked the lady what it was that made her so happy as she seemed to be very content. She smiled and answered, I smoke a cigar a day, I drink Jack Daniels every day, I eat only junk food, I party on the weekend by smoking weed and having sex. The doctor looked very surprised. Then the doctor asked her how old she was, she replied 40. 
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Post by rondetto on Mar 13, 2011 13:24:40 GMT
The woman asked her Irish lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"
"Sure," replied Paddy, "What's your phone number?
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