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Post by rondetto on Nov 9, 2017 13:10:39 GMT
Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher, Miss Figpot, decided to stop by Little Johnny's house on her way home. She wanted to discuss Johnny's poor performance directly with his parents.
When she rang the door bell, Little Johnny answered.
"Hello Johnny, I'd like to talk to your mother or father," she said.
"Sorry, but they ain't here." He replied.
"Johnny!" She said, "what is it with your grammar?"
"Haven't got a clue," Johnny replied, "but dad sure was mad that they had to go and bail her out again!"
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Post by rondetto on Nov 17, 2017 16:03:24 GMT
Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge torch and walks over to the grandfather clock. He turns the torch on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"
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Post by rondetto on Nov 25, 2017 15:14:09 GMT
Tom's wife wasn't very attractive, but then he was no oil painting, either. After the wedding ceremony, Tom asked the vicar how much the cost was.
"Just give me what you think it is worth to have this lady for your wife," replied the Reverend.
Tom looked at his wife, and handed the pastor £50.
The vicar looked at Tom's wife and gave him £45 change. 
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Post by rondetto on Dec 5, 2017 17:44:16 GMT
There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.
One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw an elf by the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up.
Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived.
Who died and who lived?
The perfect woman, because the perfect man and elves aren't really real.
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Post by rondetto on Dec 8, 2017 19:23:53 GMT
Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.
Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said,
"Don't worry. Someday your prints will come".
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Post by rondetto on Dec 10, 2017 12:50:11 GMT
A cocky government inspector stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road through here."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Inspector said, "I have the authority of the Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Inspector running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!
The old farmer called out, "Show him your card......Show him your card!!!!"
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Post by rondetto on Dec 22, 2017 13:08:37 GMT
Eddie and his wife Winnie were from South Wales. Every year they went to the Cardiff Fair and every year Eddie said, "Ya know, Winnie, I'd like ta get a ride in that there airplane." And every year, Winnie would say "I know, Eddie, but that airplane ride costs ten pounds .. and ten pounds is ten pounds."
So one year Eddie says, "By Jeebers, Winnie, I'm 71 yeahs old, and if I don't go this time I may never go." Winnie replies, "Ed, that there airplane ride is ten pounds ... and ten pounds is ten pounds."
So the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won't charge you. But just ONE WORD and it's ten pounds."
They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word... so he lands.
He turns to Eddie as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."
And Eddie replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Winnie fell out ... but ten pounds is ten pounds."
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Post by rondetto on Dec 28, 2017 18:42:54 GMT
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the bloody porridge yet!!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 5, 2018 16:09:18 GMT
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked."I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church. One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the damn vicar!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 9, 2018 16:10:38 GMT
A golfer is at the driving range having a heck of a day.
Everything thing he tries to hit he tops, balls only going about 20 yards and burning worms the whole way. Finally disgusted, he turns to the pro on the range and mutters,” If I don't connect with this one, I'm gonna jump in that lake and drown myself!”
Pro looks at him and says” I don't think you can do it.”
“Why not” He asks.
Pro says “I don't think you can keep your head down that long!”
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Post by rondetto on Jan 13, 2018 11:48:57 GMT
The barn at Larry and Susan's farm burned down, and Susan called the insurance company.
Susan: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
Agent: "Wait just a minute, Susan... it doesn't work quite like that. We will determine the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
Susan, after a pause: "In that case, I'd like to cancel the insurance policy on my husband."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 15, 2018 16:23:37 GMT
An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making £15 notes.
He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.
He travels to a small village and walks into a small grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a £15 note?"
The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An eight and a seven pound note or two sixes and a three?"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 19, 2018 11:54:36 GMT
A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.
One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"
After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?"
In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 21, 2018 11:45:14 GMT
It is a known fact that Winston Churchill had no time for women, particularly women in politics. Churchill was particularly adverse to one Nancy Ashton, a woman M.P.
On one occasion he was particularly nasty to Nancy in the parliament, when Nancy declared openly: "Sir, if I were your wife, I would poison your drinks, mark my words.”
Having already tasted his little victory earlier, Churchill was generous: "And dear lady, if I were your husband, I would drink it.”
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Post by rondetto on Feb 5, 2018 18:12:01 GMT
Pilot: "Have you ever flown in a small plane before? "
Blonde passenger: "No, I have not."
Pilot: "Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears from popping."
Pilot (after the plane landed): "Did the gum help?"
Blonde passenger: "Yep. It worked fine. The only trouble is I can't get the gum out of my ears."
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