Ron's Jokes.

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"But doctor," lamented the young husband in counselling, "Whenever Sue and I quarrel, she becomes historical."

"Don't you mean, hysterical," said the doctor.

"No, historical. She is always digging up my past."

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Ryanair: This is your Captain.

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"We may be landing on water. Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with you with our compliments."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Ryanair airlines are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

""Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Manchester.We apologise for the bumpy landing Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis with what's left of our airplane to the gate."

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Three lunatics approach their Asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city. "That's impossible says the doctor. You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back."
But, the lunatics wouldn't relent until finally, exasperated, the doctor says "OK! If you can answer a simple question I'll sign the pass."
He turns to the first lunatic and says "What's three times three?" The lunatic starts counting on his fingers "3, 7, 19, 38?. Is it 128?" The doctor shakes his head and turns to the next lunatic: "What's three times three?"
The lunatic immediately shouts "WEDNESDAY!" The doctor, beginning to get disgusted turns to the last lunatic: What's three times three?"
The lunatic thinks for a moment and then asks for a pencil and a piece of paper. That provided, she writes for some time furiously, and finally looks up and says "Nine."
The doctor is amazed, but true to his word he begins filling out the pass. As he's writing he says "This is incredible, you've always been thoroughly insane. How'd you do it?"
The lunatic responds, "Oh, it was easy I divided 128 by Wednesday!"

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Little Johnny was sent home from school and says he got an "F" in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6.'"
"But that's right!" The father replied.
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What the heck's the stupid difference?" asked the father.
"That's what I said!"

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

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Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.

"Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him."

"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.

"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

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Why did the taxi driver give up his job?
Because people kept talking behind his back.

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When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged £50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually it's my boss's idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

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Every newspaper in the UK sent a reporter and a staff photographer to the office of a local optical surgeon when it was learned that he recently performed a successful sight- saving operation on the wife of the country's most celebrated mural artist, who, in addition to paying the doctor's usual fee, had gratefully insisted on painting one of his contemporary masterpieces across an entire wall of the doctor's waiting room.

The mural turned out to be an immense multicolored picture of a human eye, in the center of which stood a perfect miniature likeness of the good doctor himself.

While cameras clicked and most of the newsmen crowded around the famous artist for his comments, one cub reporter drew the eye specialist aside and asked:

"Tell me, if you can, Doctor-what was your first reaction on seeing this fantastic artistic achievement covering an entire wall of your office?"

"To tell the truth," the physician replied, "my first thought was, thank goodness I'm not a haemorrhoid specialist!"

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Just found out something so interesting about my great grandad!!!! Apparently he tried to warn people that the Titanic was going to sink! Nobody listened to him but he kept warning them and warning them until they got sick of him and eventually just kicked him out the cinema.

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The place where I work decided to provide company-paid mobile phones to the "suits" upstairs. After negotiating a deal with a mobile phone company, we arranged for the phones to be sent to the homes of the various managers.

The day after delivery, I received a call from a partner screaming about how his mobile phone didn't work. He said he charged it overnight just like the sheet said, but in the morning, it wouldn't power up.

I asked EXACTLY what he did with the phone when he got it.

"I took it out, plugged the charger into the wall and into the phone."

"Did you put the battery in the phone?"

"Not the extra one."

"Sir, the phone only came with one battery."

(Pause) "Oh, I think I figured out what's wrong with it."

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All of Broomtown was a buzz because boy-broom and girl-broom were going to get married. Everyone felt certain that the bride-broom and the groom-broom would make a lovely couple.

The night before the wedding, however, bride-broom told groom-broom that she was going to have a little whisk-broom.

"But, how can that be?" wailed groom-broom, "We haven't even swept together yet!"

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A few years ago, I decided to visit my sister who was living in France. I assumed that most French would speak English. I found that many people spoke only their own language and this included the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making several expansive gestures. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.
When he had gone, an American tourist, also on the train, leaned forward and asked if I spoke French.
"No," I admitted.
"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he tried to tell you that you were on the wrong train."

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A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman stands up : "You're making' out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose."
"I'm sorry sir, I..."
"Not you mister," says the Irishman, "I'm talking to that little bugger on your knee."

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A young mother finds out she is pregnant again, and she tells the good news to anyone who will listen. One day when the woman and the boy are out shopping, a friend of the mother asks the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Oh, yes!" the little tyke says. And having overheard some of his parents' private conversations, he adds, "And I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call it Mary, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits."