Ron's Jokes.

[rondetto]

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?"

Joe answered with the correct airline.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"

And John answered, "My mum...."

[rondetto]

Newly married Tina had committed a blunder in her husband's absence. As soon as the man returned from work, she blurted; “Here I was ironing your finest suit and burnt this hole in the seat of your trousers.”
The husband, large hearted that he was, said; “I have another pair of trousers that matches that suit, so do not worry.”
Tina: ” Thank God for that, because I was able to patch up the hole using those matching trousers.”

[rondetto]

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in and stay put!'"

[rondetto]

A man was sitting in his house when he heard a tapping on the door. He went to see who it was. He opened the door and looked around he then heard a tiny voice, "Hey mister, could you lend me a few pounds?"

The man looked down and saw a snail sitting on his porch. He said, "What do you want?"

The snail said, "Could you lend me a few pounds?"

The man yelled, "get out of here!" and then kicked him off the porch.

About a year later the man hears a tapping on his door again. He goes out to see who it is. He looks around and he finally heard a tiny voice say, "What did you do that for?"

[rondetto]

An eye specialist to a patient: “Read those letters.”
Patient: “Where are they?”
Doctor: “On the board.”
Patient: “Where is the board?”
Doctor: “On the wall.”
Patient: “Where is the wall?”

[rondetto]

These are actual snippets from people's application for benefits.



* I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

* I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

* Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

* I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

* I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

* This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

* Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.

* I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

* In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

* I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.

* My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

* Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

* You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?

* I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

* I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

* In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

[rondetto]

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.
As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions to get back home."

[rondetto]

Some crazy answers on Family Fortunes

Actual answers given on Family Feud

Name something a blind person might use - A sword

Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon

Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell

Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar

Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde

Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse

A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish

Something you open other than a door - Your bowels

A food that can be brown or white - Potato

A jacket potato topping - Jam

A famous Scotsman - Jock

Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones

Something with a hole in it - Window

A non living object with legs - Plant

A domestic animal - Leopard

A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee

A way of cooking fish - Cod

Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings

Something you might be allergic to - Skiing

Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters

Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet

Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate

Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog

Something associated with the police - Pigs

A sign of the zodiac - April

Something slippery - A conman

Name something that floats in the bath - Water

Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair

Name something Red - My cardigan

Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers

Name a famous royal - Mail

A number you have to memorize - 7

Something you do before going to bed - Sleep

Something you put on walls - Roofs

Something in the garden that's green - Shed

[rondetto]

I was inside Manchester airport waiting for my flight to board. They made an announcement, "If you notice anything unusual, please immediately report it to airport security.
So, I grabbed the guy, I said: "Yeah, I just saw somebody pay £7 for a cup of coffee at Starbucks. And right around the corner, they're selling lager for £7 a pint, if you ask me that's damned suspicious. I'll let you know if I see anything else."

[rondetto]

Spare a thought for poor ole Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.
After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."
"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."
Have a good weekend x ❤️❤️

[rondetto]

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: "Do you know where you were going?"

Blonde:" No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were going the other way."

[rondetto]

A husband and wife are standing at the window admiring their garden.
‘Sooner or later you're going to have to make a proper scarecrow to keep the birds off the flower beds,' says the wife.
‘What's wrong with the one we've got?' asks the husband.
‘Nothing, replies the wife. ‘But my mother's arms are getting tired."

[rondetto]

This vicar was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.

"This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.

Little Johnny said, "Sure does...just pull on the cord hard, though."

The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start.

Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough."

"Well," Johnny said, "you need to swear at it sometimes."

The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"

"Just keep yanking on that cord, vicar. It'll soon come back to you."

[rondetto]

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"
"No!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"
Again the answer was "No!"
"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "First you gotta be dead!"

[rondetto]

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. 
One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene, what happened?" 
"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up." 
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?" 
"About 20 years, sir" 
"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done." 

"Actually, it was, sir."