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Post by rondetto on Jul 8, 2011 11:24:01 GMT
;DA few weeks after the death of my father-in-law, I found my seven-year-old son crying in bed. His grandmother had died the previous year, and he was talking it all very hard. Finally, my husband came up to his room to try to ease the boy's pain.
"David," he said, "when we die, we'll get to see Grandmother and Grandfather again in heaven."
With tears spilling down his face, David cried, "That's easy for you to say. You don't have that long to wait!"
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Post by rondetto on Jul 10, 2011 14:43:01 GMT
Mr. Clark , I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce Court judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife £275 a week.’
‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few quid myself." ;D
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Post by rondetto on Jul 11, 2011 15:37:12 GMT
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
”Look, I’ll give you £100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ”love, honour and obey” and ”be faithful to her forever,” I’dappreciate it if you’d just leave that out.”
He passed the minister a £100 in notes and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: ”Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.”
The pastor put £100 notes into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”
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Post by rondetto on Jul 12, 2011 11:20:10 GMT
A man goes to a psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about relations."
The psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman having relations."
The psychologist says, "Very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman having relations."
The psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman having relations."
The psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with relations."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
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Post by rondetto on Jul 15, 2011 11:53:03 GMT
After being married for thirty years....a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks..... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely..... What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
His eye is still swollen....but it will get better.............
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Post by rondetto on Jul 16, 2011 9:15:30 GMT
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a running a red light said she was a schoolteacher.
The judge rose from the bench; "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times." 
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Post by rondetto on Jul 17, 2011 11:00:55 GMT
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't Have a ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid The flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that It was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length.' 
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Post by rondetto on Jul 18, 2011 11:00:52 GMT
A man came home from the office and found his new blonde bride sobbing convulsively.
"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Oh, just forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."
"Yes, I know. And it's lucky you have!" said the woman, drying her eyes. "I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole! ;D
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Post by rondetto on Jul 19, 2011 16:10:44 GMT
This past week I was recently riding with a friend of mine. My friend seemed to drive somewhat cautiously, what with the weather conditions and all.
Soon enough, we approach a red light and he shoots right through it! A bit terrified at what just happened, I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" He tells me this is how his brother drives.
At this point, I put on my seatbelt. Shortly thereafter, we come to another red light, and again, he shoots right through it! I ask him with more urgency this time, "What are you doing? Why'd you do that?" And again, he tells me this is how his brother drives.
A few moments later, we come to a green light, and all of sudden he SLAMS on the brakes. My heart nearly goes into my throat. I shout at him at the top of my lungs, "Why do you do that?! Are you trying to kill me!?"
He replied, "On the contrary. I may have saved both of us. You see, my brother uses this road and could be coming the other way."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 20, 2011 11:17:27 GMT
There were 3 construction workers,all eating lunch. One had a ham sandwich another one had tomato roll the other had an egg sandwich.
The one with the ham sandwich said "hummmm another ham sandwich"
The other one said "Dooooo another tomato roll." The 3rd one said "If i get one more egg sandwich i'll jump."
The next day the 1st one said dammit another ham sandwich, the 2nd one said "Oh no anther tomato roll", the 3rd one said another darn egg sandwich,thats it i'm jumping."
The 3rd one's wife said " I don't know what was wrong, he packed his own lunch."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 23, 2011 9:44:00 GMT
An elderly man was invited to an old friend's house for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his pal preceded every request to his
wife with endearing terms such as:
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host,
'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.'
The old man hung his head.
'I have to tell you the truth,'
he said,
'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the old hag what it is'
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Post by rondetto on Jul 25, 2011 14:50:10 GMT
A frog walks into a bank and asks the teller, “Who do I talk to about getting a loan?” The teller shows him to the office of the loans manager, Ms. Patty Black.
“I would like a loan for £20.00 to buy a new lily pad,” the frog tells her.
“Do you have any collateral?” asks Ms. Black.
The frog produces a small statuette of the Eiffel Tower with the inscription “Souvenir of Paris” engraved on the base. Unsure whether or not the object is worth the amount of the loan, she summons the bank manager.
The manager inspects the trinket, nods his head, and says, “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Black – give the frog a loan.”
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Post by rondetto on Aug 11, 2011 14:27:07 GMT
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
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Post by rondetto on Aug 27, 2011 11:48:55 GMT
A wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K". She asks, "What does that mean"? He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot". She smiled and said, "Oh, that's sweet, but what about 'I, J, K' "? He said, "I'm Just Kidding' ". His eye is still swollen, but it will get better...or will it??!!
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Post by rondetto on Oct 6, 2011 11:17:46 GMT
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters “UFO” were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.
“Do you realize what just happened?” the station owner finally uttered.
“Yeah,” said the blonde attendant. “So?”
“Didn’t you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!”
“Yeah,” repeated the blonde attendant. “So?”
“Didn’t you see the letters ‘UFO’ on the side of that vehicle?!”
“Yeah,” repeated the blonde attendant. “So?”
“Don’t you know what ‘UFO’ means?!”
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. “Good grief, boss! I’ve been
working here for six years. Of course I know what ‘UFO’ means
‘Unleaded Fuel Only.’” ;D
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