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Post by rondetto on Jun 16, 2011 12:03:18 GMT
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered
our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard,
scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the
house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the
cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the
house will be empty for the night so she explains to the taxi driver
that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to
my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I
said, as we drove away.
'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her backside
with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off,
so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket
to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat
butt downstairs and threw her into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 17, 2011 15:37:10 GMT
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all
been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day,
they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Mick
took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddystepped out of the boat ...
and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,'
he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like
my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled eyes and said,
'Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather
were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born
in July, you idiot.'
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Post by rondetto on Jun 21, 2011 11:17:05 GMT
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said....
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.' 
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Post by rondetto on Jun 21, 2011 17:08:36 GMT
During a recent password audit by Microsoft & Google, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy,London"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital. ;D
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Post by rondetto on Jun 22, 2011 9:24:42 GMT
A lady walks into a drugstore and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. "Oh my goodness;" The pharmacist says, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explains that she needs it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes get big and he says, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my licence. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not—you cannot have any cyanide!"
The lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looks at the picture and says, "Ohhhh. Well, now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription!" ;D
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Post by rondetto on Jun 23, 2011 12:33:42 GMT
There are two babies in the same crib. the first baby says: "Are you a boy or a girl?"
"I don't know," said the second baby .
The first baby crawls over to the second and goes underneath the blankets. a few moments later the first baby comes out with a big smile on his face.
He says : "You're a girl and I'm a boy."
"You're so clever how do you know?"
"Well its easy," says the first baby. "I have blue socks and you have pink socks."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 24, 2011 16:52:05 GMT
A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus, sets him up on the bar and says I bet anyone in here £50 that my octopus can play any musical instrument you hand him.
One guy walks up with a guitar and says, "You're on." He lays his 50 Pounds on the bar and hands over the guitar. The octopus proceeds to tune the strings and begins to play a wonderful classical rendition. Everyone's aghast! The guy collects his 50 Pounds.
Next guy brings up a trumpet and lays his money on the bar. The octopus takes it, plays with the valves for a moment, and proceeds to play a wonderful jazz riff. The guy collects his money again.
The bartender leaves and comes back a few minutes later with a set of bagpipes and lays his £50 on the bar. The octopus picks it up, turns it around, looks at it some more, turns it over again to get a different perspective. After a few minutes of this the guy is getting impatient and asks, "What are you waiting for? Why don't you start playing it?"
The octopus looks over and says, "Play it? Hell I was trying to figure out how to get her pyjamas off!""
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Post by rondetto on Jun 26, 2011 15:00:28 GMT
A little boy walked up to his dad one day and
said, "Dad, where did we humans come from?" The dad
Ruffled his sons hair and said. "Son, in the beginning God
Created Adam and Eve, they had children,their children
Had children and soon the whole world was populated
With people." The little boy smiled and went outside to
Play. A while later the little boy saw his mother
hanging up the washing outside. He ran up to her and
Asked, "Mum, where did we humans come from?"
His mum gave him a hug and explained Affectionately, "A
Long time ago there were apes and monkeys, but no
Humans. Over millions of years the apes slowly changed
Into human beings and that is where we came from."
The boy ran excitedly to his dad who was packing
his golf clubs into his car. "Dad", he said, "you said that God
Created man and woman and that we came from them.
Mum says we came from apes.
Which is true?" His dad knelt down to look his son in the
Eyes and said with a twinkle in his eyes, "Son, I told you
About my side of the family.
Your mothers side of the family is a completely different story."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 28, 2011 14:57:43 GMT
This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught fire.
When the police arrived they shot her for waving a firearm.
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Post by rondetto on Jul 1, 2011 12:34:35 GMT
One day in Liverpool city centre a group of blondes gathered to show they were not stupid. They asked a man to ask them any questions so he picked a blonde and said what is the capital of United States she said Paris.
The crowd chanted give her another chance give her another chance.
Then the man said what does hurtful mean.
She said smart.
The crowd chanted give her another chance give her another chance.
Fine the man said but this is the last one: What is 1+1?
She said 2..... But once again the crowd chanted give her another chance give her chance.
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Post by rondetto on Jul 3, 2011 14:28:24 GMT
Our teacher asked us what our favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.dunno:
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of the Rspca. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders".
Guess where I am now...
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Post by rondetto on Jul 4, 2011 16:16:47 GMT
The other day I phoned up to book some tickets for an elvis tribute act. It was annoying because it was one of those automated recordings, i had to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show . . . ;D
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Post by rondetto on Jul 5, 2011 11:46:24 GMT
It was their first date, and she'd shown the patience of a saint as he babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving techniques, and even the standards he used to choose his barber.
Finally, he came up for air and said, "But enough about me. Let's talk about you."
She breathed a sigh of relief.
He went on, "What do you think about me?" ;D
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Post by rondetto on Jul 6, 2011 11:51:32 GMT
There was a bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.
If you told a lie you would drop dead.
One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and she Droped Dead.
The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and she Droped Dead.
Then the next day a blonde walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and she Droped dead.
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Post by rondetto on Jul 7, 2011 10:30:08 GMT
An elderly gentleman of 90 arrives in France by plane.
At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, Monsieur?"
the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."
The British gentleman says,
"The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"
The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained;
"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
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