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Post by rondetto on Mar 13, 2011 15:48:04 GMT
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre Museum.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, zat is ze reason I stole ze paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make ze Van Gogh." 
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Post by rondetto on Mar 14, 2011 13:25:15 GMT
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
______________________________________
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
_______________________________________
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why do you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
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Post by rondetto on Mar 14, 2011 16:00:08 GMT
He didn't like the casserole
> And he didn't like my cake,
> He said my biscuits were too hard
> Not like his mother used to make
> I didn't perk the coffee right
> He didn't like the stew,
> I didn't mend his socks
> The way his mother used to do.
> I pondered for an answer
> I was looking for a clue.
> Then I turned around and
> smacked him one
>
> Like his mother used to do..
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Post by rondetto on Mar 14, 2011 17:56:13 GMT
If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet........God willing, someday you will be......
The 2.99 Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast with tea or coffee for 2.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you 3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!' stated the waitress. 'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake..
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Post by rondetto on Mar 15, 2011 17:22:55 GMT
A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!'
Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'swine!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig. ;D
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Post by rondetto on Mar 15, 2011 18:01:05 GMT
Irish man bought himself a mirror.
looked into it and said to his pal.
I know the face but can't think of the name.
Give it to me said his pal.
it's me you idiot!
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Post by rondetto on Mar 15, 2011 18:55:45 GMT
A woman went to see her Doctor and looked rather sheepish as she told him her problem.
'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, 'you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me.'
'This one's kind of strange...'
'Let me be the judge of that,' the doctor replied.
'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'
'I see.'
'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 20p coins in the bowl.' 'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were 50p coins and this morning there were £1 coins
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!' she implored.
'I'm scared out of my wits!'
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'
'You're simply going through the change!! ;D
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Post by rondetto on Mar 17, 2011 17:20:02 GMT
What I learned from reading about Noah's ark.
ONE: Don't miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat!
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.
TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.
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Post by rondetto on Mar 18, 2011 15:14:23 GMT
A guy walks into a dentist’s office and flops right down on the couch.
“Doc”, he says, “Here’s the problem. I think I’m a moth”
“Well”, says the doctor, “That certainly is a problem, but why did you come into a dentist’s office?”
“The light was on.” 
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Post by rondetto on Mar 20, 2011 12:34:51 GMT
These are all taken from court papers, and all genuine:
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20 — much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
_________________________________________
(My Favourite)
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid, you idiot!
____________________________________________
(Another favourite)
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished!
____________________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Post by rondetto on Mar 21, 2011 13:18:42 GMT
Complaints made to the council:
the toilet is blocked and we can't bathe the children until it is cleaned.
i want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired.
this is to to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
the toilet is cracked: where do i stand ?
i am waiting on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
i am request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
our lavatory seat is broken in half and now in three pieces.
the person next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
will you please someone to our cracked sidewalk. yesterday, my wife tripped on it and now she is pregnant.
our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
will you please send a man to repair my downspout, i am old penisoner and need it straight way.
could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. my wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
i want to complain about the farmer across the road. every morning at 5:30, his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
when the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and make a mess. please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
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Post by rondetto on Mar 21, 2011 17:07:33 GMT
At a Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At a session, last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best is that I took-a her to Italy for our 20th anniversary!"
The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm might- agonna go to get her and bring her back." ;D
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Post by rondetto on Mar 21, 2011 17:17:14 GMT
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
That's amore.
When an eel bites your hand and that's not what you planned
That's a moray.
When our habits are strange and our customs deranged
That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw and the bales total four
That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife, she gets stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight used a sword in a fight
That's Sa...mur...ai.
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Post by rondetto on Mar 21, 2011 18:26:59 GMT
Teacher to a third grade student: Billy, if both of your parents were born in 1967, how old are they now?"
Billy: "It depends."
Teacher: "It depends on what?"
Billy: "It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother."" ;D
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Post by rondetto on Mar 22, 2011 13:29:03 GMT
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family farm.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase
a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can
breed their own stock. They only have £600 left.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide
to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she
wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for £599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a tel
egram to tell her the news. She walks into the post office and says, "I
want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought! a bull
for our farm. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive
out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
"It's just 99 pence a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has £1! left. She
realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her
the word "comfortable."
The clerk shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want
her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul
that bull back to your farm if you send her just the word "comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it
very slowly ... com-for-da-bull."
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