Ron's Jokes.

[rondetto]

Garry was depressed, he told his psychiatrist, because he thought he was gay.
"Why do you feel that way?"
"Because my father was a gay."
"Being gay is not hereditary", said the psychiatrist.
"My brother is gay."
"That still doesn't mean that you are".
"My Uncle Bruce is gay. And my cousin Jeffrey is gay."
The psychiatrist gave a concerned look and frowned.
"Does anyone in your family have sexual contact with women?", he asked.
"Yes", said Garry, "my sister does."

[rondetto]

Two Scouse(Liverpool) mechanical engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by and asks what they were doing. 'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Sven, 'but we don't have a ladder.

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few
bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches, and walked away.

Ollie shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'

[rondetto]

Private Smith's mother had died unexpectedly and the Sergeant Major had to break the news to him.
"Break it gently to him", advised his Lieutenant.
It was parade time, and the Sergeant Major was giving his troops a quick inspection.
"Brown! Straighten your hat! Jones! Your shoes are filthy. Johnson! Button up your jacket. Smith! Your mother's dead."
Smith's knees buckled, and he was carted off to Sick Bay.
A few weks later, Private Smith's father died, and the Sergeant Major again had to pass on the bad news.
"Break it to him gently", said the Lieutenant.
"You saw what happened last time."
Out on the parade ground, the Sergeant Major called his men to attention.
"All those who have a father take one step forward!", he roared. "And where do you think you're going, Private Smith?"

[rondetto]

A pastor walks up to a little 6 year old boy and asks him how to get to the Post Office. The boy replies "That is simple. Walk down the street two blocks. Make a left and your there."
The pastor says "Thank you little boy. And to show you my appreciation I want to invite you and your family to join me this Sunday at Church. So I can show you the way to God. "
The boy replies, "How can you do that ? You can't even find the bloody post office."

[rondetto]

Jesus was relieving St Peter at the Pearly Gates. An old man asked for admission.
"Name?", said Jesus.
"Joseph."
"Occupation?"
"Carpenter."
Jesus become excited. "Did you have a son?"
asked Jesus.
"Yes."
"Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?"
"Yes!" said the old man.
Jesus looked at the old man with a tear in his eye, put his arms out and said, "Father! Father! It's me! It's me!
The old man looked puzzled, then beamed - "Ah, it's you Pinocchio!" ;D

[rondetto]

Tip for the Grand National?
Ironing Board, put your shirt on it.

My pony was going to enter the Grand National, but it got a cold and is feeling a little hoarse.

Great Grand National Gambling Tip for Aintree again.
12-1 dusty rug. It’s never been beaten.

Grand National Gambling Tip
V-NECK 15/1 its always been a good jumper

Grand National Gambling Tip
leaky tap, but only if its running.

Got a hot Grand National Gambling Tip
Creosote in the 4.15. It’s great over fences!

Got a Grand National Gambling Tip for Aintree next year,
“Foundation” 2nd Race. You can put your house on it.

[rondetto]

These letters were sent to an Agony Aunt, seems a biy funny to me.


Dear Abby,

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,

I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo.
Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own religion?

Dear Abby,

I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it.
Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,

My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist £50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years.
He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,

You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

[rondetto]

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so try this one:


An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African went to a night club.


The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai"

[rondetto]

A new super high tech grocery store recently opened in Chester. It has the standard automatic water misters to keep the produce fresh, but just before it mists, one hears the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When one passes the diary freezer, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
Going in the meat department one can smell the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and barbecued ribs.
When you pass the fresh eggs case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of morning eggs and bacon.
In the bread department, a tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and soft warm rolls.
But I don't buy my toilet paper there any more.

[rondetto]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street ; one from London , another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool ..
They go with a government official to examine the wall.
The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'

The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, 'I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'

The Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'

The Liverpool contractor whispers back, '£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.'

'Done!' replies the government official.

[rondetto]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

“Breast fed,” the woman replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.”

[rondetto]

A man and woman and their daughter were sitting in their living room one afternoon when the wife said to her husband, "Dear, I think you ought to have something done to our front yard. The grass is all dried up and is turning brown."
"I guess you are right, dear," replied her husband, "I'll have some men spread manure on it tomorrow."
Just then the man was called to the phone, and after he had left, the daughter said to her mother" "I wish that you would teach daddy to use the word "fertiliser" instead of that awful word 'manure'. After all, it is not dignified.
"Daughter, I believe in letting well alone," replied the mother. "It took me twenty-seven years to teach him to say 'manure'.

[rondetto]

Zig-zagging his way home through a cemetery one winter night,a drunk tripped and fell into a freshly-dug grave. Stretched out in the deep hole and too drunk to get up, he began to yell for help. Soon, a second drunk appeared at the top and asked,
"Wassha matter wish you, ol' boy?"
"Help me out like a good fella," answered the distressed victim. "I'm getting awfully cold down here."
The other drunk took a closer look and answered, "No wonder you're cold, you mug - you've kicked the dirt off yourself!"

[rondetto]

A young ventriloquist touring the clubs is doing a show in a small town in Cheshire. With his dummy on his knee, the goes through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 2nd row stands on her chair and shouts: "I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes but women in general .. and all in the name of humour".

Quite taken aback, the embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde yells again, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little dummy on your knee!

[rondetto]

A man, his wife and his mother in law went on holiday to The Holy Land.
While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, 'You can have her shipped home for £5000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.'

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, 'Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only £150?'

The man replied, 'a man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.'