A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, “Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself.”
The reporter said, “Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same.”
The old explorer said, “No, not then – just now when I went ROARRRR!”
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. “I can’t stand this,” said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. “Hold it, hold it,” he said to the men. “Can you tell me What’s going on here with this digging?” “Well, we work for the county council, ” one of the men said. “But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You re not accomplishing anything. Are n’t you wasting the county’s money?” “You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us–me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.” “Yea,” piped up Mike. “Now just because Rodney’s sick, that don’t mean we can’t work, does it?”
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, “Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry.” “Hans Olaffsen?”, he muses. “How in hell does that fit in here?” So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, “How did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry? The old man answers, Is name of owner.” The tourist asks, “Well, who and where is the owner?” “Me…is right here,” replies the old man. “You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?” “Is simple,” says the old man. “Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, What your name? He say, Hans Olaffsen. Then she look at me and go, Wh at your name? I say Sem Ting.”
A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to speak to her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said as she popped her eye back in place...
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she said.
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterward went to the theater and later had drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Do you treat every guy you meet this way?'
A tie salesman was passing by in Arizona when he saw a man crawling in the desert and calling out to him, "Water! Water!" Without paying any heed to him, he bent over and tried to sell the man a tie. The man shook his head and simply repeated, "Water! Water!" After trying very hard to sell the man a tie but to no avail, he just left him where he was. A mirage then appeared before our man in the desert. The man crawled rapidly towards the mirage and eventually found himself at the entrance of a plush hotel. At the door was the tie salesman. "Water! Water!" he cried out again. The salesman answered, "You can't enter without a tie." ;D
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry," said the auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?" ;D
The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don''t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. “I''m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don''t have any.”
“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.
“Do you have the container it comes in?”
“Yes!” says the blonde, “I will go and get it.”
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: “To apply, push up bottom.”
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in Liverpool city centre, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pededtrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain. ;D
A man owned a small farm in Cheshire. The government claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the bureaucrat.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £400 a week plus free room and board.
There's the cook/housekeeper she has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £300 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18-20 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
The bureaucrat says, 'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit.'
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is!”
My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”
A soldier was having a psychiatric test prior to discharge. The psychiatrist asked, Tell me, Private, what would happen if I cut off one of your ears?" "It would be hard to hear", replied the soldier. "Good", said the psychiatrist. "What would happen If I cut off your other ear?" "I would't be able to see." "That's interesting , why do you say that?" "Because my cap would fall over my eyes."" ;D
Lucy: Hi everyone! Welcome to the shoutbox. Leave messages here for everyone to read.
Jan 30, 2013 21:44:07 GMT
Lucy: I think it's a really good idea and I hope you all do too. Please can I stress that no spoilers are to be posted here but you may say how amazing the episodes were
Jan 30, 2013 21:44:55 GMT
shangas: KUNG HEY FATT CHOY!!!! **Lights firecrackers**
Feb 9, 2013 9:30:00 GMT
shangas: What do Peking Ducks play with on Chinese New Year? FIRE-QUACKERS!!
Feb 9, 2013 9:32:39 GMT
fundraiser: Bid on a walk-on, in full costume, and make-up, as well as lunch with the cast on Murdoch Mysteries.
Mar 19, 2013 0:09:53 GMT
fundraiser: Bid on a Tea with Maureen Jennings at The King Edward Hotel. Charity auction on eBay March 21-25th details www.luxuryandvintage.com Can find details at this site for Charity auction for walk-on on Murdoch Mysteries
Mar 19, 2013 0:10:57 GMT
CosmicCavalcade: Happy Hallowe'en my fellow Murdochians!
Oct 31, 2013 14:28:58 GMT
mrsbrisby: There is another series that might be cancelled. It is called Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries and it is produced in Australia. Please go to petition.org, enter the series name in the search box and fill out the petition. It is the only chance this show has
Jan 29, 2014 12:58:09 GMT
eus: How do i get a different avatar? I notice some people have stills from the show. How do you do that?
Apr 6, 2014 16:17:18 GMT
Ｅｇｏｔｉｓｔｉｃａｌ: Wow ... this is out of date ...
Jun 21, 2014 22:45:34 GMT
Ｅｇｏｔｉｓｔｉｃａｌ: BUT OMFG THIS IS FUN LETS ABUSE THE SHOUTBOX WHOOO
Jun 21, 2014 22:45:57 GMT
rdw69: Wanted – a summary of 11-1 after 9-25 for DVD-only viewers vs a 1 year wait.
Aug 31, 2017 11:30:50 GMT
whathaveyougeorge: Does anyone know when they actually tape at the Scarborough set? I live only 5 minutes from the set but have never been around when they are actually taping on set. I have HUGE Murdoch friends who would LOVE to at least see the set in action.
Aug 16, 2021 16:50:08 GMT