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Post by rondetto on Oct 4, 2012 17:19:16 GMT
David Beckham and Wayne Rooney were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the league the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."
Beckham was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Rooney on the shoulder.
"Pssst. Wayne. What's the answer to the last question?"
Wayne laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Beckham.
"David, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."
"Oh yeah," said Beckham. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped.
Reaching to tap Rooney's shoulder again, he whispered, "Wayne, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Dave. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O." 
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Post by rondetto on Oct 11, 2012 12:57:32 GMT
Lastnight a friend and I were standing in line at Burger King, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No notes larger than £20 will be accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a note larger than £20, I wouldn't be eating here."
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Post by rondetto on Oct 17, 2012 15:53:47 GMT
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-rising, isn't it?"
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
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Post by rondetto on Oct 25, 2012 10:37:16 GMT
William Murdoch is hunting the " knitting needle nutter ", who has stabbed six people in arms in the last 48 hours.
They believe that the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
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Post by rondetto on Nov 5, 2012 12:16:29 GMT
A man bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
Come morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I've got some bad news. The donkey died."
"Well then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I spent it already," replied the farmer.
"OK then, just unload the donkey."
"What're you going do with him?" asked the farmer.
"I'm going raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" exclaimed the farmer.
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the guy and asked about what happened with the dead donkey. "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 apiece and made a profit of £898."
"Didn't no one complain?" asked the farmer.
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back."
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Post by celticrose on Nov 5, 2012 14:20:18 GMT
Oh I'm gonna like this post. Growing up with 4 brothers I've heard a few jokes. When I remember themI'll add them
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Post by celticrose on Nov 6, 2012 22:20:37 GMT
Ok Ron you're walking on thin ice with these Irish jokes. Just be lucky I have a great sense of humour. Don't forget there's Welsh jokes too lol I'm too nice to say them but you know us Celts lol. *hands on me hips*
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Post by rondetto on Nov 11, 2012 17:11:51 GMT
Begorra, they crackers aren't they?
Here's one that's not Irish.
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mummy" she said "Can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes" the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mummy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."
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Post by celticrose on Nov 11, 2012 18:46:57 GMT
Love that one Ron
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Post by rondetto on Nov 13, 2012 19:17:22 GMT
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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Post by rondetto on Nov 21, 2012 11:42:00 GMT
Two blondes were going into the woods to find the right tree for Christmas. After about eight hours of below zero temperatures, and a few close calls with a pack of wolves one of the blondes said "Bugger this I am cutting down the next tree I see whether it's decorated or not."
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Post by celticrose on Nov 24, 2012 23:07:45 GMT
Lol those blondies
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Post by rondetto on Dec 3, 2012 12:27:45 GMT
There was an intelligent monkey at the zoo that was very rare and expensive. One day, 2 robbers came to the zoo and snatched the big monkey and drove off. Suddenly for some reason they crashed as soon as they left the zoo. Both robbers died and police came to the scene.
Because the monkey can understand the English language, the cop asked the monkey some questions.
Cop says "Hi there, do you know these people?"
The monkey shakes his head as if to say no.
Cop says "How did they crash so early, what was this guy doing?"
The monkey makes a phone out of its hand and puts it on its ear.
Cop says "He was using a mobile phone?" The monkey nods its head.
Cop says "Wow, okay what about this guy, what was he doing?"
The monkey pucks its lips and puts its fist on its mouth.
Cop says "Oh, he was drinking wasn't he? Okay, what so what were you doing?
The monkey holds both of its hands in the air as if he was holding a steering wheel and whispers, "I was driving."
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Post by rondetto on Dec 3, 2012 18:10:33 GMT
A Blonde's cooking diary:
Monday:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tuesday:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
Wednesday:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
Friday:
I found an easy recipe for biscuits. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Saturday:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
Sunday:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
Good Night Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.
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Post by rondetto on Dec 4, 2012 16:44:53 GMT
One night, as he finished his last beer, Joe's doorbell
rang. He answered the door and found a six-foot cockroach
standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and
threw him across the room, then left.
The next night, the doorbell rang, and found the same six-
foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in
the stomach, then left.
The same thing happened the next night. This time, he was
kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled
over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The following day, Joe went to see his doctor. He explained
the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?"
he pleaded.
"Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug
going around." ;D
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