Ron's Jokes.

[rondetto]

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married ?

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl .. the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

"Unfortunately, she was looking for the perfect man," he said.

[rondetto]

Dave was to learn skydiving. He was told that shortly after jumping out of the plane he was to pull the short rip cord and that will open a small parachute which will open the large chute and if by chance the large chute fails to open, he should pull the other cord which will open the large parachute.
He was told that a car will be on the ground to take him back to the airport.

Dave jumps out of the plane and proceeds to pull the first cord. The small chute doesn't open so he pulls the last cord and the large parachute doesn't open either. As he's hurting towards the ground very fast Dave thinks to himself, "It will be just my luck that the bloody car won't be there either."

[rondetto]

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

[rondetto]

General motors, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new Chairman. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the Chairman noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make £400 a week. Why?"
The Chairman said, "Wait right here."
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy £1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the boss looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "He's the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[rondetto]

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

[rondetto]

Every day a pedlar pulled his cart of wool from his home to the village market. It was a long trip. He had to travel around the perimeter of a large lake that was owned by the town tycoon, a modern-day scrooge.
One day during the winter the lake frozen over. The pedlar realised that he could cut off two miles from his trip if he crossed over the lake.
He was spotted halfway across the lake by the tycoon. Scrooge came racing out of his mansion and screamed at the pedlar, "I'll be darned if I let anyone pull the wool over my ice"

[rondetto]

Jerry, the test pilot in the Air Force, climbs out of the experimental plane, all bruised and battered.
The wings and tail of the plane are torn off in the crash landing.
The rescue team arrives, and one of the rescuers, seeing Jerry in a bloody mess, asks him,"What happened?"
Jerry, looking very pale, replies, "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

[rondetto]

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay now then?"

[rondetto]

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"

"I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?"

[rondetto]

Two British gas engineers, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their van the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the van to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the van, they realised the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!”

[rondetto]

The wife texts her husband at work on a cold winter morning. "Windows won't open, I think it's frozen."
Husband texts back, !No problem, gently pour some lukewarm water over it then tap it and it should be ok."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later. "Oh bugger, now that's really buggered the computer up."

[rondetto]

Paul, the priest got himself a set of false teeth at the dental clinic.
The first Sunday after he got his new teeth, he spoke for only five minutes.
The next Sunday, he spoke for only ten minutes.
The Sunday after that, he spoke for three hours.
The congregation had to fight him to get him down from the pulpit and they were curious to know what made him talk so much.
Priest Paul explained the first Sunday his gums hurt real bad, so he couldn't talk for more than five minutes.
The second Sunday was no better and he managed to speak for just about ten minutes.
But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and found it impossible to shut up.

[rondetto]

"You never get anything right," scolded Mrs. Jacob, the science teacher. "I don't know how anyone can ever believe a thing you say...What kind of job do you think you'll get when you leave school ?"

Suzie said, "Well, I want to be the weather forecaster on TV."

[rondetto]

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ah!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder...those are friars!"

[rondetto]

Joe, though not a scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew far and wide...and soon people from all over the country were coming to his home town to have portraits done.

One day, a limousine pulled up to his house. Inside was a beautiful woman, and she asked Joe if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request of Joe.
The woman said money was no object; she was willing to pay £75,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Joe asked the woman to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his missus.

In a few minutes, he returned.... and said to the lady, "Yes sure you bet I will. I'll paint you in the nude, but I'll have to leave my socks on so I'll have a place to keep my brushes."