Ron's Jokes.

[rondetto]

Martin was working in a small town as branch manager of a bank. The rule stipulated that if a branch manager of a small branch needed leave for some reason, he had to inform the nearest city office which would send a substitute to take charge of the town office.

Martin's wife got sick and he needed leave for a few days. The city office received an email which read: “Wife sick, send substitute for a week.”

[rondetto]

So, Moses went up to the mountain to negotiate the commandments with God. His people anxiously awaited his return.
Eventually Moses came down the mountain looking tired and drained.
"Well," He announced, "There's good new and there's bad news."
"The good news is that I got him down to just ten commandments,
the bad news is that adultery is still in there."

[rondetto]

An English businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get some European food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up at the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on pizza what you order: pepper only."

[rondetto]

Anita gave birth to a healthy baby boy. An old aunt who came to visit her, noticed that the baby had flaming red hair.

"I see that you have black hair", she said to Anita, "What colour is the father's' hair?"

"I have no idea", answered Anita, "He was wearing a hat".

[rondetto]

A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai and gets close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "To me...a minute."

The man then asks, "And what does a million pounds mean to you?" The Lord replies, "To me...a penny."

Then he asks,"Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."

[rondetto]

Sculptor: "What do you think of my latest sculpture? I 'd really value your opinion.!"

Friend: "It's worthless."

Sculptor: "Yes, I know but I'd still like to hear it all the same."

[rondetto]

Newsflash: A two seater light aircraft crashed in Ireland today. It came down in a cemetery. So fare nearly two thousand bodies have been recovered.

If an aircraft crashed on the border between Scotland and England,
where would the survivors be buried?

Nowhere of course...they all survived.

[rondetto]

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with his drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "Aye, and if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

[rondetto]

An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn't heal, and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his leg, but can't find anything wrong, so he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can't come up with any possible explanation for the pain.

The doctor hands the patient some painkillers and says, "I'm sorry, but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age; there's nothing I can do about it."

The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible! That can't be!"

The Doctor says, "What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it's NOT old age?"

The patient answers, "I'm no doctor but it doesn't take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken. After all, my other leg feels just fine."

"So what?" says the doctor "What difference does that make?"

"Well it doesn't hurt a bit, and it's the SAME AGE!"

[rondetto]

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work.
They are called 'Spec Taters'.

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work.
They are called 'Comment Taters'.

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands.
They are called 'Dick Taters'.

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.
They are called 'Aggie Taters'.

There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help.
They are called 'Hezzie Taters'.

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.
They are called 'Immy Taters'.

Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.
They are called 'Sweet Po Taters'.

[rondetto]

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.
The judge asked the husband, “What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”

The husband said, “In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.”

The wife said, “It's seven weeks.”

[rondetto]

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "Don't worry, he'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

[rondetto]

Where else but in Ireland. A doctor gives instructions to his patient.

Doctor: “It is of vital importance that you take this particular medicine right one hour before your pains start.”

[rondetto]

During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down.
He looked at a man and asked." Did you see my face?"
The man said "Yes!" The robber shot him.
Then he asked a woman. "Did you see my face? "
She said "No, but my husband over there did."

[rondetto]

My grandfather told me he saw the Titanic and from the very start he warned all the people that the ship would sink but nobody listened to him.
He was a brave man and never gave up, he warned them again and again on several occasions, until they kicked him out of the cinema.