Ron's Jokes.

[rondetto]

Sharon, the busty Essex blonde who was on holiday, sent home a postcard.

She writes: "Hi folks, me having a great time. Where am I?"

[rondetto]

I got caught carrying a ruler, protractor, compass, and slide rule.
I was arrested for having 'Weapons of Maths Instruction.'

A job interviewer asked me how well I perform under pressure.



I said I don't know all of the lyrics to that one; but I could take a good shot at Bohemian Rhapsody.

[rondetto]

Young boy: "Hey Mum that bee just stung me on my arm."
Mother: "Let me put some cream on it then."
Young boy: "Don't be silly, it'll be miles away by now."

Two birds watch a jumbo jet flying overhead: "Look at that" says the first.
"So what?" say the second. "I'd fly that fast if my tail was on fire too."

[rondetto]

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your  backside for you".
Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a mouthy bugger."

[rondetto]

During a performance for the high school talent show at the local theatre a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.

He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theater shouted:

"Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"

[rondetto]

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, With respect sir, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"

[rondetto]

An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station.

The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the UK.

Little Boy says " He is the MOST WANTED in the UK?!"

Officer says "yes".

Little Boy asks "Why didn't you arrest him when you took his picture?"

[rondetto]

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm.
The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

[rondetto]

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient. 
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said. 
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked. 
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

[rondetto]

In an Irish clinic three fathers were waiting for their babies to be weighed. First father asks: "What did you name your son?"
Second father: "We named him after the day he was born, on St Patrick's day..so we named him Patrick. Then he asked
the third father, "What did you name your son?" The third father replies, "Our son was born on St George's day so we named him
George."
At that the first father picked up his son and said, "Come on Pancake, let's go home."

[rondetto]

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking,
their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
'I got a cookbook once,' said one, 'but I could never do anything with it.'

'Too much fancy work in it, eh?' asked the other.

'You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way --
'Take a clean dish...''

[rondetto]

One day a rich famous man went to buy a sport car from a dealership. The price of the car was £80.000 and the man had only £79.998 to pay.
The sales associate insisted that the price is firm and it has to be £80.000.
The man came out of the store and looked around and saw a poor man begging for help. He went over to him and introduced himself and asked if he is kind enough to lend him £2. The poor man asked the reason. He replied that he is wanting to buy a car. The poor man though for a moment and gave the man £4 and said: Please buy one for me too."

[rondetto]

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
‘We need a fourth for poker,' said the friend.
‘I'll be right over,' whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, ‘Is it serious?'

‘Oh yes, quite serious,' said the doctor gravely. ‘In fact, there are three doctors there already!'

[rondetto]

Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"Not at all, I reckon now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

[rondetto]

Heard on a London tube train.
"When you exit the train, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step."
"If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."