Ron's Jokes.

[rondetto]

Two men from a small Welsh village were visiting London City for the first time to attend a conference.
There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside.

One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a tube entrance.

When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the tube stairs.

"Where ya been?"  he slurred.

"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!" ​​​​​​​

[rondetto]

Bob was sharing an interesting story with his friends over drinks. "This is what I call a comedy of errors. Last night while I was partying with you guys at the pub, a burglar broke into my house."
One of the friends asked, "So did he take anything?"
Bob said, "He got more than he asked for. He got broken ribs and couple of teeth knocked out! My wife thought that was me coming home drunk.”

[rondetto]

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son.

He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city. But his wife looked back and was turned to salt."

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

[rondetto]

Why is there an expiry date on bottles of 1000 year old water?
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Why do we send cargo by ship, and shipments by car?
Why call it a building if it's already been built?
Why do kamikazee pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?
What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

[rondetto]

Tommy Cooper: "Walter, your wife is a lovely woman."
Walter: "No, She's getting old
Tommy Cooper: "Well, you know, they say that women age like fine wine."
Walter: "Well, mine is ageing like milk."

[rondetto]

A man goes to an American Native mind reader for a reading. The reader can only answer with a maximum of two words

He greets the Indian with the greeting "How" and asks what time he has his breakfast, the answer "8 o'clock"

Next session in a couple of months he again says "How" and asks what he had for that breakfast, answer "Eggs"

In another couple of months he again greets him with "How" and the immediate answer came "Poached"

[rondetto]

In the men's toilet at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "Thoap!"

[rondetto]

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Not working then?"

[rondetto]

Wife: "Wake up dear, there's burglar in the kitchen and he's eating that cake I made this afternoon, you'd better ring the police."
Husband: "If he's eating that cake, I'd better ring for an ambulance first."

[rondetto]

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."

[rondetto]

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under this load of hay."

[rondetto]

Two cockroaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
"Oh Please," said the other cockroach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

[rondetto]

Driving down a remote road, a motorist sees a sign that says: "Watch For Fallen Rocks."

A couple of miles of careful driving later, he spots some pebbles and stops to pick a few up. Arriving in the next town, the motorist carries the stones into the highway maintenance office.

Placing them on the counter, he says to an official: "Here are your fallen rocks. Now where's my watch?"

[rondetto]

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

[rondetto]

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"

"I opened a can of peas instead."