Ron's Jokes.

[rondetto]

Pat and Jimmy met and one said to the other,

"Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?"

Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."

His friend asked, "Sure, and what d'ye mean by that?"

Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us."

[rondetto]

Titanic was about to sink. People on the ship were shouting, crying, running and praying to God - just then a passenger had the following conversation with the captain.
Passenger: "How far is land, from here? "
Captain: "Two miles... "
Passenger:"Only two miles, then why are these fools making a noise. I can swim that far."
Captain: .....?
Passenger: "Just tell me in which direction, land is two miles from here? "
Captain: "Downward sir......good luck."

[rondetto]

A group of Canadians was travelling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.

She then asked, "What do you do in Canada with your old goats that aren't producing?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."

[rondetto]

Q: Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?
A: She heard drinks were on the house.

[rondetto]

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.

"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"

"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."

[rondetto]

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.

[rondetto]

Two Irish blokes go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their trip, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred quid?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

[rondetto]

Paddy & Murphy are doing the crossword puzzle.
Paddy asks: "How do you spell paint?"
Murphy replies: "What colour??"...

[rondetto]

Last week a man had an accident in his car and got trapped. Fortunately two couples, Mr and Mrs Smith, and Mr and Mrs Ball, were at the scene. He was well pleased he got pulled out by the Smiths....

[rondetto]

I think Ladies make better wallpaper hangers than Men. The best lady wallpaper hanger I ever saw was Anna Glypta....

[rondetto]

Court reporter hears funny testimony

Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."

Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"


Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"


Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognise that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"

[rondetto]

I went to Waterstones the other day for a book on turtles. The assistant said “Hardback?” I said, “Yes, with little heads”

My boss told me that as a security guard, it is my job to watch the office.
I am on season six now but I am not really sure what it it has got to do with security.

An Indian man has been arrested for punching his wife in the face.
Chinda Goodunproppa has denied all charges.

The mafia forced my brother to go on a creative writing course. They made him an author: he couldn’t refuse.

I was asked to re-turf a field for an English Civil War re-enactment.
I thought: sod that for a game of soldiers.

A group of dentists have been recruited in to the army.
On the first morning, the sergeant watched them parade.
“Come on” he said, “You know the drill.”

[rondetto]

Paddy says to Mick, "How did you get on at the Faith Healing group yesterday?"
Mick said, "They were rubbish! Even a man in a wheelchair got up and walked out"....

[rondetto]

My recently departed uncle has left me something in his will. I've always wanted to live in a grand mansion, I have no idea where Sod Hall is but I am thrilled at the prospect of receiving sod hall.

[rondetto]

Kermit The Frog has been arrested.
Police raided Kermit’s apartment and found bundles of dirty pictures.
Police say it is the worst case of Frogspawn they've ever seen.