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Post by rondetto on Sept 23, 2019 12:38:42 GMT
An American woman goes to England to attend a two week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says, "An English girl."
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked?
"The one I asked for, the English girl!"
"Oh, that" she said, "Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait several months to see if it is a girl!" 
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Post by rondetto on Sept 27, 2019 9:28:16 GMT
Assassination attempt on President Trump. 10am in New York City
A lone gunman pulled a gun and aimed it at President Trump. A young FBI agent, looking panicked, shouted "Mickey Mouse" and shot the would be assassin dead.
President Trump rushed over and thanked the young agent and asked him "Why did you shout Mickey Mouse?"
The Agent said, "Sorry Sir, I panicked, I meant to say "Donald Duck"!"
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Post by rondetto on Oct 7, 2019 12:26:00 GMT
There were 3 gnus, daddy Gnu, mummy Gnu and baby Gnu
They were getting hungry so daddy Gnu said he would go and get some food.
After a couple of hours he didn't return, so mummy Gnu went out and looked for him.
Unfortunately mummy Gnu also didn't return.
Little baby Gnu died because of nothing to eat.
So that was the end of the Gnus, now for the weather forecast.
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Post by rondetto on Oct 9, 2019 17:21:20 GMT
When my girlfriend worked for the department of social security these are some of the silly things people wrote on their applications for benefits:
* I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptised on a half sheet of paper.
* I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
* Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
* I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?
* I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
* This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.
* Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.
* I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
* In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.
* I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.
* My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
* Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
* You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?
* I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
* I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
* In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
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Post by rondetto on Oct 14, 2019 13:22:09 GMT
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!''
''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. 'Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.''
''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''
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Post by rondetto on Oct 16, 2019 17:52:04 GMT
I use to own a car made entirely of wood, wooden body, wooden wheels, wooden seats, wooden engine. I had to sell though, it wooden go.
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Post by rondetto on Oct 22, 2019 18:31:54 GMT
A drunken man stumbles out of a bar and, gets on the bus late one night, he staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Oh bugger, I'm on the wrong bus!"
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Post by rondetto on Oct 30, 2019 10:12:48 GMT
A paper bag goes to the doctor and complains of feeling really ill. The doctor does a lot of tests and tells the paper bag to come back next week for the results.
The following week the paper bag is extremely distressed to be told by his doctor that he is HIV positive.
"But how can this be" he cries, "I'm only a paper bag".
"Well have you had unprotected sex in the last year" asks the doctor.
"No, how can I!?" he shouts "I'm only a paper bag"
"How about sharing needles, giving blood, anything like that"
"I've said to you before" the paper bag sobs "how can I, I'm only a paper bag"
"Ahhhh" says the doctor shaking his head sadly. "It's as I suspected... Your mother must have been a carrier"
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Post by rondetto on Nov 6, 2019 12:11:43 GMT
A mother thinks there’s something strange going on and eventually decides to take a DNA test.
She finds out that their child is actually not related to her or her husband at all.
The wife says, "Darling, there is something really important that we need to talk about. I did a DNA test and Roger isn't our biological child."
Her husband says, "Of course he isn’t, don’t you remember? We were just leaving the hospital and the baby pooped hugely so you told me, ‘Go and change the baby, I’ll wait here.”
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Post by rondetto on Nov 22, 2019 14:45:11 GMT
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:-
"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No!... Just stick out your tongue! 
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Post by rondetto on Dec 25, 2019 10:00:49 GMT
Amazon sale has started, I ordered four Kindls and they sent me a Two Ronnies dvd.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 2, 2020 12:07:29 GMT
During a performance for the high school talent show at the local theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.
He apologised to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theatre shouted:
"Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 5, 2020 11:57:07 GMT
Sad news from the Nestle factory today. A night shift worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking.
He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" his colleagues just cheered.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 15, 2020 13:35:17 GMT
My wife said: "When I'm gone, you won't find another like me."
I said: "What makes you think I'd want another like you."
My wife said that we don't spend enough time together, so I had the football channel put on the tv in the kitchen.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 17, 2020 11:34:52 GMT
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
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