Ron's Jokes.

[rondetto]

I wanted to try online dating, so I clicked around until I saw someone I found attractive. We started chatting, and everything was going great, until she told me her career is "professional blood donor."

That's when I knew she wasn't my type.

[rondetto]

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing £50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for £30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny £15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

[rondetto]

A shifty looking guy in a kilt walks into a London pub
He orders a pint and very very carefully puts down the plastic bag he is carrying.

The bartender asks "What's that?"

The guy answers "6 pounds of explosives"

"Thank God for that" says the barman, "I thought it might be bagpipes."

[rondetto]

Suffering from a bad case of the flu, a man phoned his doctor for to get an appointment.
When he was told scheduled date of the appointment, he became outraged and bellowed, "Three weeks? The doctor can't see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!"
Calmly, the receptionist replied, "If so, would you kindly ask your wife call to cancel the appointment?"

[rondetto]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


Get off the kids merry go round when you're drunk.

[rondetto]

I bought my friend a trampoline.
He was over the moon with it.

Turns out, it was more powerful than what I thought!

We had saved money to buy a sofa, but I spent it on a trampoline.
The wife hit the roof.

I have a phobia of trampolines. I can’t help it, they just always make me jump!

[rondetto]

My partner asked, " When we go on holiday to Egypt, can we go on a camel?" I said, don't be so daft, It will take us ages to get there by camel."

[rondetto]

When a Woman reaches a certain age in her life they often acquire lots of cats, this syndrome is known as the many paws.

[rondetto]

In a pub, at the bar.

Customer (pointing at the "Free Wifi" sign): What's the password?

Barman: You have to buy a drink first.

C: Fair enough. I'll have a pint of lager.

B: Foster's, Carling, or Carlsberg?

C: Carling, please.

B: Here you are. That'll be £3.

C: Thank you (pays £3). So, what's the password?

B: "youhavetobuyadrinkfirst" All lower case, no spaces.

[rondetto]

John Travolta was hospitalised for suspected Covid-1, but doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday night fever and they assure everyone that he is staying alive.
Apparently he was diagnosed because he had chills that were multiplying, it's electrifying.

[rondetto]

A builder installing roofing timbers accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw.

He calls out to a man walking on the street below, “Hey, can you see my ear anywhere down there?”

The man on the street picks up an ear and shouts back, “Is this it?”

“No, that's not mine” replies the builder, “Mine had a pencil behind it.”

[rondetto]

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name ?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London!"

[rondetto]

Police were called to an affray at the world Gurning contest. Apparently things turned a bit ugly.

I read an article in the newspaper to my wife: "Police are looking for a man with one eye." She said: "Why don't they use two, they'd find him quicker."

[rondetto]

The Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.

She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Chester."

The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

[rondetto]

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century,' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.'.
I can tell you this...It ruined the Ipad but That fly never knew what hit him!