Ron's Jokes.

[rondetto]

A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to Italy to study the country's greatest works of art. Since there was no one to look after her grandmother while she was away, she took the old lady with her.
At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling. 'Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted.'
'Oh my, 'the grandmother says. 'It took your grandad the same time to paint our living room ceiling.'

[rondetto]

When my wife left me I couldn't sleep. She took the bloody bed with her.
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Jesus said to John, "Come forth with me and I will get you eternity. John came fifth and only won a toaster.

[rondetto]

Mabel never went to church. She always promised to go but never did. The vicar was astounded when she suddenly showed up for Sunday service. Thereafter she was there for every Sunday service.

Three months later, after a Sunday service, the vicar asked her, “What happened to you? You always dodged church and now it looks like you can't get enough of it?"

She replied, “It's this new car of mine vicar... they told me the warranty will lapse if I miss even one service!”

[rondetto]

The barber's client looked depressed, so the barber told him, "Cheer up. I knew a guy who owed £5,000 he couldn't pay. He drove his vehicle to the edge of a cliff, where he sat for over an hour. A group of concerned citizens heard about his problem and passed a hat around. Relieved, the man pulled back from the cliff's edge."
"Incredible," said the client. "Who were these kind people?"
"The passengers on his bus."

[rondetto]

A bishop, a priest, and a deacon, were about to be executed for preaching the Gospel in a foreign land. They bring out the bishop first and the guard shots, “Ready… aim…” and suddenly the bishop yells, “EARTHQUAKE!” When everyone looks around, the bishop runs off. Next they bring out the priest. They guard shouts, “Ready… aim…” and suddenly the priest yells, “TORNADO!” When everyone ducks, the priest runs off. By then, of course, the deacon had it figured out. They bring him out and when the guard shouts, “Ready… aim…,” suddenly the deacon yells, “FIRE!"

[rondetto]

A famous art collector is looking round a junk shop when he notices a cat lapping milk from a saucer and he does a double take.

He recognises that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he offers to buy the cat for two pounds.

The shop owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.

The collector says, "Please, It’s such a pretty cat, my daughter would love it. I’ll give you £30 for it"

And the owner says "OK, it’s yours" And he hands over the cat for £30.

The collector continues, "Hey, for an extra £3 I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to find one."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold thirty-one cats."

[rondetto]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put the bloody gun down."

[rondetto]

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".
He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the bloody "e" out, you've left t’ bloody "e" out!"
The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:
"E, she were thin".

[rondetto]

A man stepped onto the overnight train and told the conductor, "I need you to wake me up in Carlisle. I'm a deep sleeper and can be nasty when I get up, but no matter what, I want you to help me make that stop. Here's £100 to make sure."

The conductor agreed. The man fell asleep, and when he awoke he heard the announcement that the train was approaching Glasgow. Furious, he collared the conductor. "I gave you £100 to make sure I got off in Carlisle, you worthless fool!"

"Wow," another passenger said to his travelling companion. "Is that guy ever mad!"

"Yeah," his companion replied. "But not half as mad as that guy they forced off the train in Carlisle."

[rondetto]

Passing an office building late one night, the blonde saw a sign that read, "Press bell for night watchman."
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
"Well," he snarled, "what do you want?"
"I just wanted to know why you couldn't ring the bell yourself."

[rondetto]

Taylor a new barrister was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor,"You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can."

After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was so guilty, so I told him to make a run for it."

[rondetto]

Mother decided that 7-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.

"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."

Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'

[rondetto]

A guy goes on holiday, leaving his mother, brother and cat back home.

After a few days he rings up his brother to ask how things are.

"The cat's dead" his brother says.

"Good grief" he says shocked, "Surely you could have broken that news to me more gently? I mean, when I first asked how things were you could have said, 'The cat's up on the roof'. Then, when I rang again you could have said, 'The cat's losing its grip on the roof tiles, its pretty wet up there'. Then, next time I rang, you could have said that the cat had slid off the roof and had dropped to its death"

"OK bro" his brother says.

"Anyway, how's mother?" he asks.

"Oh, She's up on the roof" his brother says.

[rondetto]

A truck full of wigs tipped over on a motorway today.

The cause is unclear but the police are still combing the area....


A hole was discovered in the fence surrounding the nudist camp.

The police are looking into it.

[rondetto]

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. He said: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"

The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"

Laughter and applause. A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home during a small party. He was a bit foggy after having a drink or two. He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

The wife went red with shock and rage. Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, with the guests not saying a word, the manager finally blurted out, "... and I just can't remember who she was!"