Ron's Jokes.

[rondetto]

Wife phones her mother; "He's being so unreasonable, I'm coming to stay with you for a while."
Mother; "No, he should pay for his behaviour. I'm coming to stay with you."

Why has my washing machine stopped pumping out water? And, more importantly, where's my daughter's hamster?

I should have been more suspicious when my Chinese neighbour offered to "wok my dog" for me.

[rondetto]

The town drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"
"A mongoose."
"What for?"
"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."
"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."

[rondetto]

A genie granted me one wish, so I said, "I just want to be happy."

Doh!! Now myself living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.

[rondetto]

The economy is getting so bad; the other day my ATM gave me an IOU.

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The American tourist stood staring at the highland sentry standing guard outside Edinburgh Castle.

After a few minutes she went up to the sentry and asked 'I've always wanted to find out what's worn under the kilt'.

The sentry replied: 'There is nothing worn, Ma'am, its all in perfect working order'.

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An Australian was asked to donate to the church reroofing fund. So he gave some of the lead back.
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Give me two hot dogs.
One with mustard and one without."

"Which one without?"
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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

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[rondetto]

On the first day of Spring Training, a cricket scout brings a race horse with him to add to the starting line up. The coach asks, "What the heck did you bring that horse here for?"

The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."

All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the horse grabs the bat and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse.

The bowler, just shrugs his shoulders, and delivers the ball towards the wicket, when astonishingly, the horse hits the ball deep into the outfield.

The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the cricket scout to tell the horse to run to start running.

The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "Are you kidding, If he could run, he'd be at Ascot!"

[rondetto]

Took my girlfriend to an orchard in Somerset for her birthday.

Turns out that wasn’t the apple watch she’d wanted.
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Whenever I play golf, I always take two pairs of trousers.

Just in case I get a hole in one.
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A tip for all you lovely ladies out there.

If you buy your underwear in NEXT it is advisable to cut the label off.
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Aren’t animals amazing.

I just passed the hospital and there was a sign saying ‘Guard dogs operate at this hospital’ How clever is that?
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Gary was teased about his lack of hair, but had the last laugh when he used his nickname Baldy for the biscuit that made him a millionaire.
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[rondetto]

The Irish Bobsleigh team at the Winter Olympics are refusing to race until the course has been gritted!
___________


Sick and tired of hearing these winter Olympic athletes say how much work they've put in and the sacrifices they've made...

What do they want? A flipping medal?
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[rondetto]

I asked a supermarket worker where they kept the canned peaches. He said, "I'll see" and walked away.

He never came back. When I saw another supermarket worker, I asked him. He said, "I'll see" and walked away. He never came back either.

I got tired of waiting and started looking up and down every aisle. I finally found them.

They were in Aisle C.

[rondetto]

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"

[rondetto]

Policeman: "Did you get the license number of the car that knocked you down?"
Pedestrian: "No, but I know who it was. My mother-in-law!"
Policeman: "How can you be so certain?"
Pedestrian: "I'd recognize that laugh anywhere!"

[rondetto]

It was my wife's birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home.

"Can't talk," I said, "I'm driving."

"Where are you?" she asked.

She wasn't happy when I said : "I'm on the 7th tee."

[rondetto]

A salesman telephone a household, and a four-year-old answered.
Salesman: "May I speak to your mother?"
Child: "She's not here."
Salesman: "Well, is anyone else there?"
Child: "My sister."
Salesman: "O.K., fine. May I speak to her?"
Child: "I guess so."
There was a long silence on the other phone. Then;
Child: "Hello?"
Salesman: "It's you. I thought you were going to call your sister."
Child: "I did. The trouble is: I can't get her out of the playpen."

[rondetto]

"My uncle in Dave tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Citroen, the tyres from a Vauxhall, and the exhaust system from a BMW."

"Really? What did he get?"

"Fifteen years."

[rondetto]

The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.
'Oh dear,' said the Queen, 'How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that.'
'It's quite understandable,' said the archbishop, and after a moment added, 'as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse.'

[rondetto]

A man hails a taxi. "Where to?" asks the driver. "Waterloo please."
"The station?" asks the driver.
"Well, I'm a bit late for the battle."