Ron's Jokes.

[rondetto]

An English man is travelling on a train in a European country. His seatmate knows some English, and they end up chatting. The seatmate asks if the English man has children. The man says no.

"Ah, so sad," says the European. "Your wife, she is impregnable?"

"Well, um, that's not exactly the word," says the man.

"Oh!" interrupts the European. "I mean, she is inconceivable?"

"Um, not quite..." the English man begins, only to be interrupted again.

"Oh, no, that isn't right," says the European. "She is, what is it, she is unbearable?"

"Well, actually, that's pretty much sums it up," says the man.

[rondetto]

Do you break into a sweat when filling up your car with fuel ?

Do you feel sick when paying for it ?

You're suffering from the carowner virus.
______________

I find as I get older I only need 3 shops in my life, Specsavers, Boots and Greggs.

My life is all specs and drugs and sausage rolls.
______________

[rondetto]

A drunk gets on a transit bus. The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in his pocket for change, drives off. As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus. The bus stops at the next stop. He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus. Still the man is fumbling in his pockets for change. The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus. Next stop, the same thing happens. Every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back. A few stops later the drunk exits the the bus from the front.

"Hey", shouts the bus driver... "You didn't pay your fare yet!"

The drunk, reeling, shouts back "And I'm not going to!..... I've walked all the way!"

[rondetto]

A cowboy goes into a western saloon and orders a whisky. It was so quiet he asks the bartender: "Where is everybody?"
"OH, they're at the hanging." The barman replied.
"Hanging?......who are they hanging?"
"Brown paper Pete." The barman informs him.
"Brown paper Pete, what sort of name is that?" he asks.
"Ah well," the barman says. "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, and brown paper trousers."
"What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling."

[rondetto]

A man walks pass a beggar on the corner of the street where he works. The beggar holds out his one hand and the man drops a coin into his hand. One day the man walks pass the beggar again and notices the beggar is holding hold out both his hands. He asks: “Why are you holding out both of your hands?” The beggar replied, "You see sir, business is going so well I decided to open another branch".

[rondetto]

A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 8 pounds an hour starting today and in three months, I'll raise it to 10 pounds an hour. So when would you like to start?"

"I'll start in three months time."

[rondetto]

During his holiday to Paris, my mate was mugged. The cop asked if he could describe his attacker, and my pal said "Yes. He was small, about 4 foot tall. He's a hunchbacked albino, with one eye stitched closed and he had a hook on one hand. He had a Hitler moustache, his forehead was covered with big, hairy warts, and he was missing big patches of hair. Oh, and he had a big scar that ran from his right ear down towards his adam's apple."
And the cop says "Do you think you would recognize him if you saw him again?"

[rondetto]

A women is getting lunch ready when the phone rings.

"This is the middle school calling about your son Johnny. He's been caught telling unbelievable lies."

"I'll say he has," the woman replies, "I don't even have a son."

[rondetto]

I don't like to brag about my wealth obviously.. But yesterday, I had the heating on for an hour.
_______________


I saw a sign in a shop window that said, 'Watch batteries fitted £2.50.'
I thought, "Why would anyone pay to see that?"
_______________

[rondetto]

A friend invited me over for coffee, and said, "while you're here, I wonder if you can identify this tree, I have in my garden".
I took a peek out of the window and said "sure it's a dogwood" but how can you be so sure" they said.
me " I can tell by the bark"

[rondetto]

An old cowboy sat down at Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[rondetto]

I saw Lee Majors the bionic man the other day on the Royal Mile. He looked a million dollars... he's really let himself go...
______________
Dave decides to go to the cinema he buys a ticket and goes in to watch the film.
Five minutes later he comes out and buys another ticket and goes back in
Five minutes later he comes out and asks for another ticket
"What's your game asks the girl behind the kiosk this is the third ticket you have bought."
"I know said Dave but there's a woman in there who keeps tearing them in half."
________________

[rondetto]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a road side
restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a
distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.

The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just
wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant .

As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her
glasses, the old geezer yelled to her...

'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit
card.'

[rondetto]

'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'
'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Brigid's. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so
kind
as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?'

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk,
'Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of
last rites!'
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also
obliged to notify the next of kin.'

[rondetto]

Two deer hunters hired a pilot to take them way back into the forest. After the hunt, the pilot returned and saw that they shot six deer.

"The plane won't carry six deer, you'll have to leave two of them," said the pilot, trying to be friendly.

Unwilling to leave their dead deer, the hunters said "We got six on this plane last year."

The pilot gave in, and just five minutes after takeoff the plane crashed into the forest. Lucky to be alive, one of the hunters said, "Any idea where we are?"

The second hunter said, "Yeah, right about where our plane went down last year."