Ron's Jokes.

[rondetto]

A jockey is riding the favourite at a Boxing day meeting he rounds the last bend in the lead when he is struck on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages
He composes himself and regains the lead only to be hit by A box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies,
Again he regains the lead and is struck by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding this totally distracts him and he only manages to finish second
He immediately went to the race stewards and complained that he had been seriously hampered.

[rondetto]

Good girls say "thanks for a wonderful dinner"...
Bad girls say, "what's for breakfast?"

Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties...
Bad girls don't wear any.

Good girls wax their floors...
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot...
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner...
Bad girls make reservations.

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies...
Bad girls know they could do better.

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...
Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.

Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.

Good girls love Italian food...
Bad girls love Italian waiters.

[rondetto]

An Englishman (other nationalities are available) walking through the bush in Africa came across a clearing and saw a huge dead elephant, weighing probably 30 tonnes, with a 2 foot pygmy next to it.

He asked the pygmy, "Who killed the elephant?"

The Pygmy said "I did."

The Englishman said, "You're only two feet tall and it must be at least 30 tonnes. I don't believe you killed it "

The pygmy replied, "I killed it"

He said, "How did you kill it?

The pygmy said, "I killed it with my club"

"Your club!" said the Englishman. "You must have a big club?"

The pygmy said, "There's 10,000 of us"

[rondetto]

A man goes to the doctors with an irritation.

The doctor tells him the bad news, "I'm sorry th tell you that you've got a nasty case of Hermies."

"Don't you mean Herpes," asks the man.

"No..." replies the doctor, "You're the carrier."

[rondetto]

I went into a bakers yesterday.

"How much for a big doughnut?" asks I.

"A paand" says yer man.

"OK so. How much for this cream cake" says I.

"A paand" says he.

And so on, and so forth.

"OK", says I "so everything in the shop's a pound then".

"Yes".

"Alright, I'll have a slice of this cake here, then" says I.

"Right you are me old son, that'll be two paaand", says he.

"Hang on a mo", says I, "I thought you said everything was a pound!"

"Ahh, but this is my-dearer-cake!!"

[rondetto]

I hired a handyman and gave him a list of jobs to do. When I checked later he had done numbers 1, 3, 5 and 7. It turns out he only does odd jobs....

[rondetto]

The price of petrol is so expensive I have started to use vodka in the lawnmower.

Not the grass is half cut!
___________

My wife wants me to blow air on her whenever she overheats, but honestly...

... I'm not a fan.
___________
My wife has just swum the channel.

I was in the rear of the boat shouting encouragement through a megaphone.

She still says I should have bought two ferry tickets.
___________

[rondetto]

Mum and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.

"You know," Mum said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

[rondetto]

A woman saw an electrician walking up her drive and rushed to the door.

"Why did you come today?" she barked. "You were supposed to repair the doorbell yesterday?

I know," the electrician replied. "I rang three times. There was no answer, so I thought you must be out."

[rondetto]

One day Daddy balloon had a chat to his son, Baby balloon.
"You're old enough now, son, to sleep in your own bed all night. There'll be no more climbing into Mummy and Daddies bed. Do you understand?"
"Yes" said Baby balloon.
However that night a violent storm raged and Baby balloon was frightened. He crept into his Mummy and Daddy's bedroom and tried to get into bed.
But there wasn't enough room. In desperation he undid Mummy balloons knot and let some air escape.
Still there wasn't enough room so he did the same to Daddy balloon, yet again he couldn't fit between them, so he undid his own knot and when he got smaller he snuggled inbetween them.
In the morning the family awoke and Daddy balloon took Baby balloon to one side.
"I am not happy, Baby balloon" he said. "You promised me that you wouldn't get into bed with Mummy or I ever again. You have to realise that this is VERY serious, and the worst thing is, not only have you let me down, you've let your Mummy down and worst of all you've let yourself down!!"

[rondetto]

A blonde was visiting London for the first time. She wanted to see Downing Street. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions -
"Excuse me, officer, how do I get to Downing Street?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 24 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.

1 hour later the police officer returned to the same area and,
sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to Downing Street, I said to wait here for the number 24 bus and that was an hour ago! Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now...
The 23rd bus just went by!"

[rondetto]

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Toxteth and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."

One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."

[rondetto]

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'. 'I'd like to stay here' 'Ok.' She said and shut the door.
______
We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it? The Stewardess gave me chewing gum. I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out.
______
A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos. So the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.
_______
I hurt my back the day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.
_______

[rondetto]

Notes left out for the milkman:


When you deliver the milk, will you knock on my bedroom window, the one on the left as I want you to help me turn the mattress.

When you deliver the milk will you be sure to close the gate as the birds pecking the tops off the bottles, on second thoughts don't leave any as they are drinking it.

Will you not leave me any milk this morning and don't leave any at No14 as he is dead until further notice.

Will you leave me two pints every other day and one pint in the days in between except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any.

[rondetto]

Two Irishmen are walking past a shop in London when they see a sign in the window:-

Mens suits £2.50 Mens trousers 50p

"Come on Mick" says Paddy, "This is our chance to make fortune back home" "We'll hire a van, buy the clobber and sell it on at retail price. Go in, but don't let on that we're Irish "
In they go and Mick says, in his best upper- class english,
"Excuse me, my good fellow, I'll have 50 of your suits and 50 of your gents trousers, as priced in your window"
"You're Irish then" says the shop owner
"How did you know?" exclaims Paddy,
"Because this is a Dry-cleaners"!!!