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Post by rondetto on Jun 11, 2022 16:08:13 GMT
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
" Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
" Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlate Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss man drives of, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, " You know Giles, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other. "That chappie knew four and it didn't do him any good."
"Precisely."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 15, 2022 17:51:14 GMT
An old man goes to Heaven and sitting at the reception desk is Jesus, who calls the man forward and says, "Old man, welcome to Heaven. I have to take some details - could you please tell me your name?"
The old man says, "My name is Joseph." And Jesus says, "Well there's a coincidence, when I was on earth my father's name was Joseph. And the old man says, "Well I had a little boy, you know, he'd be about your age by now."
And Jesus says, "Well how extraordinary...I left home when I was quite young."
And the old man says, "Yes, my little boy left home when he was young. He went away with his friends, they got involved in magic and other mystical stuff."
And Jesus says, "Another coincidence - how extraordinary, that's exactly what happened to me. Tell me, what was your job when you were back on Earth?"
The old man says, "I was a carpenter"
Jesus says, "Well, that's an amazing coincidence, that was my father's job too.......you don't think that you and I could be ....." Then old man says, "No you see, my little boy was not born like ordinary boys."
Jesus says, "That's how it was with me."
The old man says, "Look, I would know my little boy anywhere, you see he has these little holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus says: "You mean like THIS." And the old man says, I can't believe it." Jesus says, "You must believe it - so many coincidences, you must be my Earthly father Joseph."
And the old man says: "And you must be my little boy - Pinocchio!"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 21, 2022 11:11:49 GMT
Boris Johnson has recruited a new ethics adviser.
None other than Chris Eubank!
He says he used to live in Ethics but now he lives in Thuthex.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 23, 2022 15:12:31 GMT
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS:
On the first day of Christmas my true love said to me, I'm glad we've bought a turkey and a proper Christmas tree.
On the second day of Christmas much laughter could be heard as we tucked into our turkey - a most delicious bird.
On the third day of Christmas we'd friends in from next door. The turkey tasted just as good as on the day before.
On the fourth day of Christmas Gran came, she's rather old. We finished up the Christmas pud and ate the turkey cold.
On the fifth day of Christmas outside the snowflakes flurried but we were nice and warm inside - we ate the turkey - curried.
On the sixth day of Christmas the turkey spirit died. The children fought and bickered and we ate the turkey - fried.
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave a wince when he sat down to dinner and was given turkey mince.
On the eighth day of Christmas the dog ran off for shelter. I served up turkey pancakes and a glass of Alka Seltzer.
On the ninth day of Christmas poor Dad began to cry. He said he couldn't stand the strain of eating turkey pie.
On the tenth day of Christmas the air was rather blue and everybody grumbled at eating turkey stew.
On the eleventh day of Christmas the Christmas tree was moulting. Mince pies as hard as rock and the turkey quite revolting.
On the twelfth day of Christmas at last Dad smacked his lips. The guests had gone, the turkey too - we dined on fish and chips!
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Post by rondetto on Jun 25, 2022 11:27:58 GMT
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
___
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.
____
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "Sure, skip, hop, jump, whatever!"
____
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
____
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on and on.
____
I knocked on the door of a B&B, the landlady opened the bedroom window upstairs and said "Can I help you?". I asked "Can I stay here?" She said "yes" and closed the window.
_____
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Post by rondetto on Jun 27, 2022 10:20:03 GMT
A friend of mine went for an interview with an airline in Helsinki ten years ago, and he hasn't been seen since.
He vanished into Finnair.
_________
Two wind turbines standing in a field near Glastonbury.
One says "What sort of music do you like?"
The other replies "I'm a huge metal fan"
__________
I Just Learnt
If you tip your canoe over it can become head wear. It's cap sized....
__________
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Post by rondetto on Jul 1, 2022 12:06:47 GMT
A Bloke turns up at the local bus depot to start as a driver. He's shown how to change the numbers and destination signs, how to operate the doors, and how to issue tickets on the machine.
"Ah, I never had to do the tickets the first time I worked on the buses, I always had a conductor on you see"
"Well Mr.Kelly, times move on, and all our buses are one man operated to keep down costs"
Satisfied with the explanation, he is taken out around the local routes, so he knows where he's going when he's out on his own.
The big day arrives, and he sets off for the first time on his own.
Twenty minutes later, the police ring the depot asking for a tow truck. The controller gets on the radio to Mr. Kelly and asks why they need a tow truck.
"Sorry boss, the bus is halfway through B&Q's front window, and they need the tow truck to pull it back out"
"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?"
"Don't know, sorry boss, I was upstairs collecting fares!"
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Post by rondetto on Jul 5, 2022 15:02:42 GMT
Carrie Johnson bought Boris a parrot for his birthday. She told Rishi Patel.
"That bird is so smart! Boris has already taught him to mispronounce over 200 words."
"Wow, that's pretty impressive," Rishi said. "But you realize that he just 'says' the words? He doesn't understand what they mean."
"That's okay," Carrie replied. "Neither does the parrot."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 11, 2022 13:52:21 GMT
One day long ago, a Czechoslovakian came to visit his friend in the UK. When asked what he wanted to see the Czechoslovakian replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in England."
To his delight, his friend took him to Chester zoo. While they were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole.
Shocked, his friend quickly called over the zoo keeper. He quickly explained the situation and ask the zoo keeper what he planned to do. The zoo keeper asked the man, "Okay, which gorilla did it? Was it the male or the female?"
Pointing out the female as the culprit, the zoo keeper then opened up the mouth of the female, looked inside, but found no signs of the Czech.
With which the mans friend shrugged and said, "I Guess the Czech is in the male."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 14, 2022 11:00:06 GMT
A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."
The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
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Post by rondetto on Jul 17, 2022 9:56:28 GMT
An aggressive budgerigar announced “I’m the greatest budgie in the world”. To challenge this theory, the owner placed the pet into the cages of a series of other birds of increasing size. The budgie always won. Eventually, a particularly nasty eagle was chosen and the budgerigar locked into the cage overnight.
The next morning, the eagle was found lying on the cage floor with the victorious budgie sitting on its chest, but without its feathers. After pausing for breath it said,
“I’m still the greatest budgie in the world. . . . but I had to take my coat off for that one!”
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Post by rondetto on Jul 20, 2022 13:42:09 GMT
An elderly couple decided they just spent too much time and energy complaining about all their aches and pains.
“Let’s agree to not say a word about our ailments,” suggested the wife. “We’ll talk about something else or say nothing at all.”
“Great idea!” replied the husband.
Two months later, they got a message from Alexa. “Alexa is wondering if you are both OK. For the past two months we have picked up no verbal communication in your household.”
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Post by rondetto on Jul 27, 2022 13:00:08 GMT
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says: "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly," says the landlord. "Sorry about that – it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub and the landlord says: "You're with the circus, aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, He talks, drinks beer – everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub.
The landlord says: "Hey, Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job paying really good money."
"Yeah?" says the duck. "Sounds great – where is it?"
"At the circus," says the landlord.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the landlord.
"What the hell do they want with a brick layer?"
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Post by rondetto on Aug 7, 2022 13:39:03 GMT
A man called up a bird store the other day and said, "Send me 30,000 cockroaches at once!"
"What in heaven's name do you want with 30,000 cockroaches?"
"Well," replied the householder, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the premises here in exactly the same condition in which I found them."
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Post by rondetto on Aug 20, 2022 16:15:40 GMT
My wife came in from the garden slamming the door and yelling that next door's dog had been in our garden and left dog poo all over the place AGAIN!
I told her to calm down, get the shovel and throw it into next door's garden.
She came back in to the house a few minutes later and said "I've done it. But what good will it do? Now, next door has our shovel and there's still dog poo all over our garden!"
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