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Post by rondetto on Aug 25, 2022 13:39:45 GMT
Taking his seat on a flight, a businessman is bemused to see a parrot in the next seat.
The plane takes off and the man asks the stewardess for a coffee. As he does, the parrot screeches, 'Yeah, and get me a double whisky too, you ugly cow!'
The stewardess walks off to get the drinks, but on her return has forgotten the man's coffee. She apologizes, and as she turns to get the coffee the parrot again squawks, 'Yeah, and get me another whisky you slack-tart!'
By now the stewardess is rattled, and she returns with the whisky, but again no coffee. The man, having observed the parrot's success, decides to try the rude approach. 'I've asked you for coffee twice!' he bellows, 'Now get your lazy butt back there and get me a cup of coffee.'
Moments later he and the parrot are dragged from their seats and thrown out of the emergency exit by two stewards. They plunge downwards for a few seconds, then the parrot looks at the man and squawks, 'For someone who can't fly, you've sure got a big mouth."
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Post by rondetto on Aug 26, 2022 11:11:30 GMT
Statistics recently released from The United Nations reveal that: Australian, Canadian, UK and US men between 50 and 75 years of age, will, on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year.
This is very upsetting news to many of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.
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Post by rondetto on Aug 29, 2022 12:25:16 GMT
One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "what it means to be British?" Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland...
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.
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Post by rondetto on Sept 5, 2022 11:14:12 GMT
I knew something had gone wrong on The Tube
when I heard the driver on his radio saying,
"Euston, we have a problem"
__________
When I shook the tomato ketchup vigorously in the café, every one got some of it, it looked like a scene of carnage!
With Heinzsight, I should have checked that the lid was on tight.
__________
If you're the person who stole my Microsoft Office, I can tell you that you are going to pay.
You have my Word.
___________
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Post by rondetto on Sept 12, 2022 11:18:44 GMT
Jan and Ivanski were both born and bred in Poland and decided to emigrate,
Jan favoured Sweden he was used to the cold and he liked their way of life,
Ivanski wanted to go to Morroco ..he fancied plenty of sunshine.
well ,they couldn't agree about anything and went their separate ways....
yes ,they were Poles apart!
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Post by rondetto on Sept 14, 2022 17:47:46 GMT
My wife was in labour when the nurse said it was time to push.
She gave it everything she had, until a fart, that from sound and stench, had obviously followed through. She was mortified.
"Don't worry," i said, patting her head. "I've heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth. Isn't that right nurse?"
"Yes," said the nurse gagging, "But it's usually the mother not the father!.."
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Post by rondetto on Sept 20, 2022 16:48:30 GMT
My Alphabet
A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line! F is for fissures and fluid retention, G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H high blood pressure--I'd rather it low; I for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend. L 's for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget what comes next.. N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new! Qis for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears! U is for urinary; troubles with flow; V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
W for worry, now what's going 'round? X is for X ray, and what might be found. Y for another year I'm left here behind, Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind!
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!
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Post by rondetto on Sept 25, 2022 13:19:40 GMT
I went to a restaurant. It was full. There was no place to sit and the wait was over thirty minutes.
I took out my mobile phone, placed it to my ear, and said loudly, "Hey, get over here! She's here with someone else!"
Six couples got up and quickly left quickly.
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Post by rondetto on Sept 27, 2022 8:21:11 GMT
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site when a slate falls down slicing off Paddy's ear.
Murphy finds it and says to Paddy "is this yours Paddy"?
"No" says Paddy, "mine has a pencil behind it."
___________
Paddy is doing some roofing jobs for Murphy
He nears the top of the roof and starts shouting down to Murphy "I tink I will 'ave to go home, I've gone all dizzy". Murphy asks "'ave yer got vertigo, Paddy"?
Paddy replies "No, I only live round the corner."
___________
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Post by rondetto on Sept 28, 2022 15:00:31 GMT
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the
world's oldest mum? So what? My mum's 97.
________
The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have
good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a
penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's not
good luck in my book.
________
Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person
present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not
having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the
RAC have more responsible employees.
________
' Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
________
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Post by rondetto on Oct 5, 2022 13:30:36 GMT
I got really angry with my car navigation today. I even yelled at it and told it to "go to hell."
Twenty minutes later, it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house.
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Post by rondetto on Oct 9, 2022 14:03:32 GMT
Sign on door of public toilets :
" OWING TO INDUSTRIAL ACTION THESE PREMISES WILL BE CLOSED TOMORROW, SORRY FOR THE INCONVIENCE ".
Someone had written underneath it - " Please do as much as you can today at your own convenience."
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Post by rondetto on Oct 15, 2022 10:28:13 GMT
To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you.
I have contacts.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket.
You can't run but you can hide.
To the person while stole my antidepressants.
I hope you’re happy now.
To the man who stole my dictionary.
I have no words.
To the person who stole my joke.
I don't find it funny.
To the person who stole my calendar.
You are going to get 12 months.
The man who stole my personal journal and bible has died.
My thoughts and prayers are now with his family.
To the man who stole my mood ring.
I am not too sure how I feel about this.
To the person who stole my Merry-Go-Round.
You can sit and spin.
To the person who stole my shoes whilst I was on the bouncy castle.
Grow up and act your age.
To the person who stole my fridge full of Red Bull.
I bet you can't sleep at night.
To the person who stole all of the lightbulbs from my house.
I am absolutely delighted.
To the person that stole all my weight-loss pills.
You have nothing to gain.
To the person who stole my limbo stick.
How low can you go.
To the man who stole my asthma inhaler.
I find this breath taking.
To the person who stole my cars steering wheel.
I can't handle it any longer.
To the person who stole all the toilet seats from the police station.
You may get away with it, the cops have nothing to go on.
To the man that snuck into the cinema last week.
You stole the show.
To the person who stole my McDonalds meal.
I'm not lovin it.
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Post by rondetto on Oct 17, 2022 13:18:01 GMT
The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth claiming to be a time traveller."
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983....
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Post by rondetto on Oct 18, 2022 16:18:39 GMT
Debbie and Dinah Thomas were doing a crossword
"Cant get this clue" said Dinah flightless bird from Iceland two words first word six letters second word seven letters"
Debbie thought for a bit and said "That's easy, it's Frozen chicken."
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