Ron's Jokes.

[rondetto]

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”

The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!

The third lady smiles smugly, “Well, my memory is just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood,” she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”

[rondetto]

Summer was over and the teacher was asking her pupils how they spent their holidays.
She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the Summer. “We visited my grandmother in Llanfairpwlchwgyngogoch.” he said.

“That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word,” the teacher said, “Can you tell the class how you spell that?”

Little Johnny thought about it and said, “Come to think of it, she lives in Rhyl." ;D

[rondetto]

There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected
his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors
would change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."

He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with
Schultz."


THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

Someone may come along and promise "Change",

but don't count on things smelling any better...

[rondetto]

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

[rondetto]

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.

If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a £1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and £1,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do"?

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "Then you try again."

[rondetto]

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!""

[rondetto]

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning.

Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn”t want anything special.

When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

”No,” the inmate said, “just get it over with."

”Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?” said the guard. “You didn’t even want a special last meal!”

The inmate thought. “Actually,” he said, “Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favourite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions.

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, “One billion bottles of beer on the wall…”

[rondetto]

:)An elderly gentleman has lost his hearing aid and thinks about getting a new one.
Before getting the new hearing aid, he wanted his ear cleaned out, so he went to his doctor.
As the doctor was cleaning his ears, he noticed a foreign object lodged in the man's ear canal. With a pair a tweezers, the doctor removed the object. Upon closer examination, he discovered that it was a suppository. The doctor told the older gentleman that he had a suppository stuck in his ear.
At this, the man exclaimed, "Now I know where I put my hearing aid!"

[rondetto]

Frank was a guy who always looked on the bright side of life. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."

"How the heck," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I`d be dead now!" ;D

[rondetto]

A man is walking down the street and he sees a sheep. He leads the sheep to the police station and says to a cop "I found this sheep walking down the street, what should I do with it?" The cop says "Take it to the zoo."

The next day the same cop is out driving around and he sees the man, walking down the street with the sheep on a leash. He pulls over and says to the man "I thought I told you to take that sheep to the zoo." The man responds "I did, yesterday. Today we're going to the movies." ;D

[rondetto]

The Pope took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on a large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher accidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away. The pontiff stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it and walked back to the boat. The next day at the university, a colleague asked the philosopher if he had enjoyed fishing with the Pope. "Itwas okay, but would you believe that guy can't swim?"

[rondetto]

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve strings here.”

The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve strings here.”

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, “Hey, aren’t you a string?”

And the string says, “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”

[rondetto]

Driving down a country road in Ireland, a commercial traveller was shocked to see the figure of a tiny little man, no more than a foot high standing by a gate hitching a ride.
At first the traveller did not believe his own eyes, but when he looked in the rear view mirror, sure enough, there was the wee little man gesticulating furiously. The driver reversed and opened the passenger door.
"Do you want a lift?"
He asked.
"Of course I do;'
Said the little man crossly.
"Did ye think I was waving me hand for the good of me health?"
He clambered in. The driver noticed that he was wearing a green suit, and a pointed hat.
"Excuse me for asking,"
Said the driver,
Are you a leprechaun?"
"What if I am?"
Asked the wee man.
"What business is that of yours?"
"None at all,"
agreed the driver.
I was just surprised, that's all."
"I suppose you didn't believe there were such people as Leprechauns?"
Said the other.
"I'm not surprised. Neither did I until I met one myself."
"I thought you WERE one?"
said the traveller.
"Only since last Friday."
Said the leprechaun.
"I USED to be a handsome young boy, a human being."
"What happened?"
Asked the driver.
"I met this leprechaun, that's what happened. I laughed at him and said he looked ridiculous. He cursed me and turned me into a leprechaun like himself."
"That's awful!"
Said the traveller.
They drove on, and came to a remote village.
"This is as far as I go."
Said the traveller.
"I've booked a room at the local hotel for the night."
'That's foine for you,"
Said the leprechaun.
"Where will I get a bed tonight?"
"You're welcome to share mine,"
Offered the traveller.
Tears of gratitude welled up in the leprechauns wrinkled eyes.
"God bless ye sor."
He said.
"The evil spirit that did this evil thing to me said it would last until I spent a night close to the warmth of another human beings body.
The traveller booked into the hotel making sure that the leprechaun sneaked in through a back door, to avoid creating a sensation in the hotel.
Sure enough, the traveller awoke the next morning to find himself in bed with an extremely handsome young boy beside him.
'.............and THAT your honour, concludes the case for the defence!"

[rondetto]

David Cameron was visiting a primary school and he visited one of
the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words
and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Cameron if he would like to lead
the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the Prime Minister asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'. A
little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him,
that would be a 'tragedy.'

No, said Cameron - that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'

I'm afraid not, explained Cameron - that's what we would call great loss'



The room went silent. No other children volunteered. David Cameron searched
the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a
tragedy?'



Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand. In a
quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Nick Clegg was struck
by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a
tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Cameron. 'That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a bloody accident
either!'

[rondetto]

A husband had just finished reading a new book
entitled, "You Can Be the Man of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and said
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of
this house and my word is law!"
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and
when
I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a
sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go
upstairs with me and we will have the kind of $ex
that I want.

After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I
can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me
my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The bloody funeral director
would be my guess."