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Post by rondetto on May 19, 2011 14:27:53 GMT
A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.
The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. “My fee for that work,” acidly snapped the attorney, “is five hundred dollars.”
The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.
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Post by rondetto on May 28, 2011 14:47:00 GMT
A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man says, "Pardon" to her.
She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic.
The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts.
She was in seventh heaven!
She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior."
The next day, the headline in the local newspaper says, "Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!" ;D
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Post by rondetto on May 29, 2011 14:49:34 GMT
It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
“Who’s been eating my porridge?” he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!
“Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roars.
Mummy Bear points her finger through the door from the kitchen and yells, “For Pete’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.
“It was Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat’s water and food dish. And now that you’ve decided to come downstairs and grace me with your presence … listen good because I’m only going to say this one more time…”
“I haven’t made the bloody porridge yet!” 
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Post by rondetto on May 29, 2011 18:17:25 GMT
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"
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Post by rondetto on May 30, 2011 9:41:29 GMT
After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him. "What are your plans?" he asked Joseph.
"I'm a scholar of the Torah," Joseph replied.
"Well, that's admirable," Leslie's father replied. "But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?"
"I will study, and God will surely provide for us," Joseph explained. "And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?" "I will study hard, and God will provide for us." "And children?" asked the father.
"How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé. The conversation continued in much the same fashion.
After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out. The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 1, 2011 12:10:39 GMT
An old bloke (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.
He asked the trainer that was near by
"What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said
"I think you should try the ATM in the lobby." ;D
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Post by rondetto on Jun 2, 2011 18:35:33 GMT
This is at a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women.
Defendant: Your Honor, I wish to change my plea.
Judge: Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind?
Defendant: No sir, when I pleaded 'Not Guilty' I didn't know there would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 4, 2011 14:29:39 GMT
A redhead, a brunette and a blonde all escape from a prison together.
They run into the nearby woods and all climb up separate trees. When the police find the redhead's tree and ask who is up there, the redhead chirps like a bird.
Then the police go to the brunette's tree. When they ask who is up there, the brunette makes chipmunk noises.
Finally, when the police go to the blonde's tree and ask who is up there, the blonde goes,"MOOOOOOOOOO!"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 5, 2011 16:15:06 GMT
“I hope I'm not a poisonous snake” said the first snake.
“Why?” asked the second snake.
“Because I just bit my lip.” ;D
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Post by rondetto on Jun 7, 2011 9:28:03 GMT
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked the heck out of him...
Like his mother used to do.
******************************************
I love a good poem, don't you?
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Post by rondetto on Jun 7, 2011 17:26:32 GMT
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mum, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is." ;D
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Post by rondetto on Jun 9, 2011 12:02:13 GMT
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Kwik Fit?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He says, "What do I look like, Bob the builder?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says.
"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Jane Asher?"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 10, 2011 11:18:56 GMT
A Merseyside man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honour, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty pounds contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 12, 2011 15:20:04 GMT
A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, ”I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?”
”Why sure,” said the manager, ”we have something that works especially well for that.”
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. ”No, no! A little to the left,” said the other blonde inside the car.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 15, 2011 11:47:26 GMT
I woke up in the middle of the night,
....... and thought that I saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of the bed. At first I was afraid.... I was petrified... ;D
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