Ron's Jokes.

[rondetto]

A woman is worried about an old widow who lives in the house next door.
She hasn’t heard anything from her for a few days, so she tells her son:
“I want you to go next door and see how old Mrs Williams is.”
A few minutes later, the boy returns.
“Well, is she all right?” the mother asks.
“She’s fine, but she’s annoyed with you,” he says.
“At me? Whatever for?”
“Well,” says her son. “Mrs Williams told me it’s none of your business how old she is.”

[rondetto]

A frantic blonde woman calls out a May day. "Mt pilot has had a heart attack and is dead. I don't know how to fly this thing."
She hears a voice on the radio saying: "This is air traffic control, I hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. Everything will be fine, what is your height and position?"
The blonde says: "I'm 5' 4" and I'm in the front seat."
After a long pause:
"OK" says the voice on the radio. "Now repeat after me."
"Our father who art in heaven............................"

[rondetto]

My wife saw a cockroach in the kitchen this morning, I've never seen her work so hard scrubbing everywhere in the kitchen spotlessly clean.
Tomorrow, I'm going to put the fake cockroach in the bathroom and see if she can get that spotless too.

[rondetto]

I just opened an express clothing alteration company. It's called Tailor Swift.

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A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"

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I have a really good airplane joke I want to share…
But It might go over your head.

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A buddy accused me of stealing his thesaurus. How could he do that?? I am shocked, appalled, disappointed, astounded, stunned.
In fact I couldn’t find enough words to describe how upset I was.

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[rondetto]

I was out on a date with a really hot woman, well, I say "date", we had dinner and watched a movie and then the plane landed.

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Who sings 'Mistletoe and wine' whilst cleaning the kitchen?
Cif Richard.

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My dentist has been voted Dental Surgeon of the year.
Sadly, all he got for it was a little Plaque.

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The population of Ireland's capital city is really growing…
In fact, it's Dublin!

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The arrow I ordered came with feathers at both ends, so what was the point?

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[rondetto]

My mate lost a toe and they replaced it with a rubber one.
His name is Roberto!

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England has won the World Hairbrushing Championships!
It’s combing home, It’s combing home…

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It's proving very difficult to find a shop selling "Left Guard" for my other armpit.

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Got kicked out of my local Weight-watchers Group.
Wasn’t happy but I had to take it on the chins.

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I heard that by law you need to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden.
How the hell am I supposed to know know when it's raining in Sweden?

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Six year old Annie returns home from school and says that today she had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks: "Oh... How did it go"
"I nearly died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from down the street says the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."
Her mother answers laughingly, "But that’s no reason to be ashamed."
"No... but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"

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[rondetto]

I read in the newspaper a tip to use Vodka for cleaning around the house.
I must say it really works too, the more Vodka I drank the cleaner the house looked.

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I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking...
It was so disgusting I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich!

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Wife: "You hate my relatives!"
Husband: "No, I don’t!, in fact, I like your mother-in-law more than I like mine."

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If I ever win the lottery, I'm going to share it with everyone on here.
Not the money. I'm just going to tell all of you that I won.

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I've just seen a movie about the life of Chubby Checker.
There's a fantastic twist at the end.

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I've installed a water-slide in my office to put job candidates at their ease during interviews.
It's a case of Chute first, ask questions later.

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I've failed my ventriloquism exam.
Personally I'm gutted, and as for my dummy .....well, I can't speak for him.

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Me: Where do I find books on celebrities obsessed with motor racing?
Librarian: They're under star disorders.

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[rondetto]

Summer school holidays were over and young Jack returned to school.
Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that Jack was misbehaving.
"Wait a minute," mother said. "I had Jack with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."

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I got my wife a metal detector as a present, but she didn't like it.
Strange, as she always likes to dig up things from the past.

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It has been estimated that over 70% of women have used vibrators,
The other 30% buy new ones.

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Mick and paddy start a removal business, paddy is struggling up the road with a wardrobe on his back a friend asks "Where’s mick I thought he was helping you?" Paddy replies "He is he’s in the wardrobe holding the clothes up!"

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Paddy just landed a new job fitting mirrors on bedroom wardrobes and bathrooms. On reflection It's just something he could see himself doing!

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My mate asked me 'How much does your wife spend on a bottle of wine?'
I said about 20 minutes!

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"I have travelled just about all over the world."
"Wow, you must know geography well?"
"Oh yes, I spent 2 months there once."

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I saw a council worker tread on a snail. I asked him why he did that.
He said it had been following him round all morning.

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[rondetto]

I was talking to a girl in a pub the other night and I said "You remind me of my little toe!"
She said "Is that because I’m small and cute?" I replied "No, it's because I’ll probably end up banging you on the coffee table!"

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I work all hours every bloody week to provide a great Christmas for the kids. And what happens? Some fat *** with a beard gets all the credit...
Still, my fault for marrying her I suppose!

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The Irish bobsleigh team at the Winter Olympics are refusing to race until the course has been gritted!

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I hear there's a French nobleman, who has become very wealthy by investing in gravy granules.
He's the Count of Monte Bisto.

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I am overjoyed! Soon I will be able to payoff all my loans and at last be debt free.
I'm on my way to the bank, thrilled to know that in a very short while I will finally have all the money I need to begin enjoying life for once.
I am so excited I can hardly get my ski mask on!"

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I'm Sick & tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say how much work they've put in & the sacrifices they've made...
What do they want? A bloody medal?

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My wife asked if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I replied, "I didn't even know he played cricket!"

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I’ve just had a friends request from Quasi Modo. I don’t know him but the name rings a bell.

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Nice to see ASDA employing pensioners.
I saw an elderly guy rounding up the trollies today...
...he must have been pushing 70!

[rondetto]

An office employee knowing his boss was off for the day transferred the office telephone to his own mobile phone and took it with him to play golf.
The boss called and asked how everything was going at the office and the employee said fine.
The boss then said, "Move a little faster then, will you, I'm in the foursome on the green behind you."

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I have to replace a light bulb in my garage ceiling.
I’ll probably screw it up.

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WIFE on phone:"You left before I finished speaking. I wanted you to go to Holland & Barrett for me. Where are you?"
ME:"Holland.

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I saw a contractor's truck that offered free quotes.
So I asked for one.
He said, "To be or not to be, that is the question."

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I walked out of my job at the helium balloon factory.
I won't be spoken to in that tone of voice.

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It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
She'll be happy to know I got the hint.
I got her a new magazine rack!

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A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

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[rondetto]

A flying saucer landed at a petrol station on a lonely country road.
The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralysed with shock, his young attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realise what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years. Of course, I know what 'UFO' means ........
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

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My mate is an opera singer and it’s his birthday soon.
But, what can you get for a tenor these days?

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Here's a thought, Why don't we replace Border Force
with a GP Receptionist
& then lets see who gets in.

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An old man suddenly arrived in Hell looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file. “This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.” The Devil nodded apologetically, most people said this when they arrived at Hell. “Why don’t you start with how you died and we’ll figure it out.” “Well, I was out with minding my grandchildren, enjoying a fun day out, and that’s when everything went crazy!
Out of nowhere, I spotted the largest most grotesque mouse I’ve ever seen moving towards us. It was absolutely enormous! And that’s when it moved. Straight towards the grandchildren first, limbs outstretched. You don’t know where mice have been, what if it had’ve bitten one of them? Can you imagine if they got rabies on my watch? You don’t get how big this mouse was!. I grabbed my walking stick and I cracked it over the head. Now my eye sight isn’t that good anymore, but I whacked it good! “So you killed it?” The Devil asked. The old man nodded.
It was at this point though, that the exertion caught up with me. I felt my heart give way. I must have suffered a heart attack. Next thing I know, I’m here.” “Well,” the Devil said, concerned, “This doesn’t seem to add up. Let me just give Heaven a call and we’ll try and see what’s going on here. Hey Jesus bro,” the Devil said, “I think I’ve got one of yours here. His story checks out. Must have been a mix up.” The Devil nodded as a voice on the phone spoke back to him. He gave the old man a silent thumbs up as the voice continued.
The Devil covered the phone speaker with his hand, turned to the old man and said, “You’re all good, they just want to know where you were when you died.”
“Oh that’s easy, I was at Disneyland.”

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I heard the England team lost to Iceland recently.

I hope they put in a better performance against Tesco and Sainsbury.

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[rondetto]

Yesterday I went to the wedding of a couple of young stable hands.
Made a lovely bridle and groom.

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Marcel Marceau and Charlie Chaplin both knew how to leave audiences speechless.
I guess great mimes think alike.

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Had a brain Wave today, I've created an App to Ease Insomnia and called it 'Slumber'.
It let's you talk to other really boring people until you fall asleep.. it's on Line Sedating"

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I was dating the female uk fencing champion.
Now I just want to forget the whole sworded affair.

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I took four tyres to a friend’s garage sale and was asking £35 apiece. I needed to step away for a bit so I asked him to watch them for me.
"Sure," he said, "but just in case someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?"
"Try for more, but I will accept £20 each," I said, and left.
When I returned, my tyres were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly.
"Twenty quid each."
"Who bought them?"
"I did!"

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Scientists say that it may be possible to live on Mars…I tried it for a month and put on three stone!

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I was in a Café happily dipping my biscuits in other people's tea and they called the police...
Said I was Dunkin' disorderly.

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Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Nothing.
Wife: You did that yesterday.
Me: Yes, but I wasn't finished.

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[rondetto]

When I was a about 10 years old my Mum said to me " Why don't you grow up Stupid"
So I did.

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I asked a carpet fitter to do a runner for me.
I paid him up front and that's the last I saw of him.

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I raised hundreds of pounds at my Bronchitis Support charity event last night.
Everybody coughed up.

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A friend of mine had a blackout at the airport yesterday. He collapsed on to the carousel. It took a while for him to come around again.

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My wife I rang me to say she'd seen a fox on the way to work. I asked her how she knew it was on the way to it's work. I don't know why but she slammed the phone down on me.

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A guy in Portugal just tried to sell me Ronaldo's football boots.
I think he must be one of those penalty shoe touts.

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My friend is such a big fan of the Royal Family, each of his four sons are named after a king.
**Henry**
**George**
**Charles**
**Burger**

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This chicken said to me: “I can’t find my eggs!”
I said: “You’ve probably mislaid them."

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[rondetto]

My mate said to me: "Do you like wearing that hi vis jacket all the time?"
I said: "I wouldn’t be seen without it !!"

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If my name was David and I had a boy, I would have to name him Harley.
That way he could introduce himself, I'm Harley, David's son.

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I went to a fancy dress party dressed as an alarm clock.
I left early... People kept winding me up!

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I was a Child of the 60s,
My memories are of Bands like The Tremeloes and the Dave Clark Five are Sketchy, but I do Remember Bits And Pieces.

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"How is your new job at the factory?” one guy asked another.

“I’m not going back there.”
"Why not?”
“For many reasons,” he answered. “The sloppiness, the shoddy workmanship, the awful language – they just wouldn’t put up with me."

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Brilliant News.
I entered the best Sun Tan competition at the Paris Olympics Today and I've only gone and got a Bronze..!

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My first day on a fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
They're kidding obviously.
I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.

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I was always very shy as a young man, my friend advised carrying a pebble in my pocket and squeezing it whenever the shyness took me.
Did it work?
Yes, I felt a little boulder.

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[rondetto]

I've cut down on my drinking. I now have one large dram before bed.
Last night l went to bed 6 times.

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I got the job of senior director at old MacDonald's farm
I'm now the CiEiO.

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Me: “Who is the most handsome man in the world?”
Wife: “Ewan McGregor”
Me: “Thank you but you can just pick one”

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I was talking to a nurse the other day, she said the problem with the world today is Holby City.
On second thoughts she might have said obesity.

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Paddy & Murphy are doing the crossword puzzle.
Paddy asks: "How do you spell paint?"
Murphy replies: "It depends, what colour?"

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My mate said he toured round the north of France this summer and raised money by doing Star Trek impressions.
I said, "Dunkirk?".
He said, "Yeah, I did them all."

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My wife had just gone into labour.
NURSE: "Have you considered Epidural Anaesthesia?"
ME: "It's OK, we've already chosen a name."

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This chef on TV just said, "Where there's fat, there's flavour."
I know he means food, but I still took it as a compliment.

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We have to thank that clever man for inventing electricity,
otherwise we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

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Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of getting a Labrador."
"Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind."

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I got a rash from using a can of adhesive.
I guess I must be glue tin intolerant.

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A shop assistant tried stopping an armed robber by attacking him with a labelling gun. Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head..

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My American friend asked me if I had ever been abroad?
I said: "No, I've always been a fella!"

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