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Post by rondetto on Sept 5, 2023 15:33:13 GMT
A woman is worried about an old widow who lives in the house next door. She hasn’t heard anything from her for a few days, so she tells her son: “I want you to go next door and see how old Mrs Williams is.” A few minutes later, the boy returns. “Well, is she all right?” the mother asks. “She’s fine, but she’s annoyed with you,” he says. “At me? Whatever for?” “Well,” says her son. “Mrs Williams told me it’s none of your business how old she is.”
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Post by rondetto on Sept 18, 2023 11:47:24 GMT
A frantic blonde woman calls out a May day. "Mt pilot has had a heart attack and is dead. I don't know how to fly this thing." She hears a voice on the radio saying: "This is air traffic control, I hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. Everything will be fine, what is your height and position?" The blonde says: "I'm 5' 4" and I'm in the front seat." After a long pause: "OK" says the voice on the radio. "Now repeat after me." "Our father who art in heaven............................"
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Post by rondetto on Oct 8, 2023 14:34:58 GMT
My wife saw a cockroach in the kitchen this morning, I've never seen her work so hard scrubbing everywhere in the kitchen spotlessly clean. Tomorrow, I'm going to put the fake cockroach in the bathroom and see if she can get that spotless too.
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Post by rondetto on Nov 13, 2023 10:35:06 GMT
I just opened an express clothing alteration company. It's called Tailor Swift.
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A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"
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I have a really good airplane joke I want to share… But It might go over your head.
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A buddy accused me of stealing his thesaurus. How could he do that?? I am shocked, appalled, disappointed, astounded, stunned. In fact I couldn’t find enough words to describe how upset I was.
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Post by rondetto on Dec 23, 2023 12:07:49 GMT
I was out on a date with a really hot woman, well, I say "date", we had dinner and watched a movie and then the plane landed.
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Who sings 'Mistletoe and wine' whilst cleaning the kitchen? Cif Richard.
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My dentist has been voted Dental Surgeon of the year. Sadly, all he got for it was a little Plaque.
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The population of Ireland's capital city is really growing… In fact, it's Dublin!
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The arrow I ordered came with feathers at both ends, so what was the point?
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Post by rondetto on Jan 27, 2024 11:26:32 GMT
My mate lost a toe and they replaced it with a rubber one. His name is Roberto!
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England has won the World Hairbrushing Championships! It’s combing home, It’s combing home…
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It's proving very difficult to find a shop selling "Left Guard" for my other armpit.
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Got kicked out of my local Weight-watchers Group. Wasn’t happy but I had to take it on the chins.
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I heard that by law you need to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden. How the hell am I supposed to know know when it's raining in Sweden?
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Six year old Annie returns home from school and says that today she had her first family planning lesson at school. Her mother, very interested, asks: "Oh... How did it go" "I nearly died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from down the street says the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital." Her mother answers laughingly, "But that’s no reason to be ashamed." "No... but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"
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Post by rondetto on Mar 8, 2024 14:23:46 GMT
I read in the newspaper a tip to use Vodka for cleaning around the house. I must say it really works too, the more Vodka I drank the cleaner the house looked.
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I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking... It was so disgusting I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich!
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Wife: "You hate my relatives!" Husband: "No, I don’t!, in fact, I like your mother-in-law more than I like mine."
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If I ever win the lottery, I'm going to share it with everyone on here. Not the money. I'm just going to tell all of you that I won.
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I've just seen a movie about the life of Chubby Checker. There's a fantastic twist at the end.
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I've installed a water-slide in my office to put job candidates at their ease during interviews. It's a case of Chute first, ask questions later.
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I've failed my ventriloquism exam. Personally I'm gutted, and as for my dummy .....well, I can't speak for him.
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Me: Where do I find books on celebrities obsessed with motor racing? Librarian: They're under star disorders.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 14, 2024 12:48:24 GMT
Summer school holidays were over and young Jack returned to school. Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that Jack was misbehaving. "Wait a minute," mother said. "I had Jack with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."
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I got my wife a metal detector as a present, but she didn't like it. Strange, as she always likes to dig up things from the past.
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It has been estimated that over 70% of women have used vibrators, The other 30% buy new ones.
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Mick and paddy start a removal business, paddy is struggling up the road with a wardrobe on his back a friend asks "Where’s mick I thought he was helping you?" Paddy replies "He is he’s in the wardrobe holding the clothes up!"
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Paddy just landed a new job fitting mirrors on bedroom wardrobes and bathrooms. On reflection It's just something he could see himself doing!
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My mate asked me 'How much does your wife spend on a bottle of wine?' I said about 20 minutes!
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"I have travelled just about all over the world." "Wow, you must know geography well?" "Oh yes, I spent 2 months there once."
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I saw a council worker tread on a snail. I asked him why he did that. He said it had been following him round all morning.
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