Ron's Jokes.

[rondetto]

They are now talking about banning glitter this Christmas…

Its been on the cards for years!
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When the Spanish Armada was approaching the Queen said to Drake, "Do you have sufficient ships?"

He said"No, but you can have a bite of my pasty."
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Not saying I live in a rough area but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up!
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My son has asked for a train set for Christmas...

Can't find one anywhere so I'm getting him a replacement bus service set instead!
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At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep…

Maybe that's why I'm no longer a fireman!
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I fell down the stairs in the airport the other day and hurt my arm...

Nothing serious just an airline fracture!
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[rondetto]

Teacher: "Why are you late this morning?"

Student: "Its my alarm clock. Everyone got up except me!"

Teacher: How did the alarm clock make you the only one not to get up?"

Student: "There are eight of us in the my family and the alarm clock was only set for seven."

[rondetto]

My wife said to me, "Darling, did you know that a handlebar moustache is actually supposed to be the next big fashion comeback of 2023?"

"Well it looks really stupid," I replied. "I wish you'd just shave it off!"

[rondetto]

Little boy: "Mummy, what happens when a car gets so old and rusty that it won't move anymore?"

Mum: "Someone sells it to your father."

[rondetto]

Today I bought myself some sensible walking boots, a new ordnance map, a nice hand carved walking stick and a rucksack.
Then I went up to the Peak District, walked about five miles, stopped, sat on a stone and opened my flask of coffee and had a cup.
Then I walked a further five miles and stopped to eat my sandwiches and then I....
Oh sorry, I'm rambling!
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That's the second time I've evicted the unwelcome distant relative.
In fact He's my cousin twice removed.
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I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls today.
The most common one is: "You said you'd be home from the pub three hours ago!"
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My housemates reckon our house is haunted but I've lived here for 235 years and not noticed anything strange.
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[rondetto]

Lone ranger and tonto are riding across the prairie when up on the ridge to their right 2,000 sioux appear they look be hind them and relaize they've been followed by a 1,000 apache...then over to their left appear 3,000 cherokee.
As they turn into the up coming canyon they see its guarded by 500 crow..

Turning to tonto the lone ranger says "looks like we're in a spof bother tonto"...tonto replies "what do you mean we paleface"
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My wife can't decide if we should buy a king or a queen size bed... I told her we should sleep on it.
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My bank just called me about suspicious activity on my account.
They didn't believe I bought a gym membership.
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I got a lift home from work yesterday…
I'm putting it on eBay later!
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[rondetto]

Did you hear about the trapeze artist who caught his wife in the act?
He dropped her after that.
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Who would have thought it?
Apparently Fred Astaire's brother Stan made lifts!
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I have just returned from an animal talent show.
Two fish sang River Deep, Mountain High.
They called themselves Pike and Tuna Turner.
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I‘ve a pretty niece who works at the gas board.
Let me know if you wanna meter.
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Went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole.
He said they all look like that and I should have left him in my garden.
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Some people are like a fine wine and get better with age.
I am like coffee.
Mostly drunk in the mornings.
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[rondetto]

A fairground worker working on the dodgems gets the sack for no good reason.
He calls a solicitor who says that..........
You have very good grounds for FUN FAIR DISMISSAL.
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I tried keeping it a secret that i was hiding my pet cat at the bakery,
but there was one paw in my flan!
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Just heard that King Charles has banned shredded cheese from the coronation.
He wants to make Britain grate again.
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Just bought a mirror to take down the pub with me.
Not sure why,
but the doctor told me I need to watch my drinking...
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One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
And now we don’t have Oleg to stand on..
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Doctor: "Your wife's in hospital.”
Her husband: "How is she?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical.”
Husband: "Oh, you get used to that..."
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[rondetto]

My wife wanted me to get more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.
Then I ignored her the rest of the day for no reason.
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When I went to the doctor’s this morning the last person I thought I'd see was a heavily tattooed guy from Madrid.
He said " Yes, nobody expects the Spanish inked physician."
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Just about had it with Amazon
Every time I order chicken pellets and grain they ask for feed back!
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New series on Netflix about male bladder issues.
Streams hourly!
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Me: Bike for sale?
Seller: Yes.
Me: What's the lowest you'll go on it?
Seller: 2 km/hr. otherwise you'll fall off.
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Marathon runners with inappropriate footwear usually suffer the agony of defeat.
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I find it rather odd that people say Jesus used to be a carpenter.
I've got all of their records, and I can't recall him singing on any of them..
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[rondetto]

Pat and Mick were looking in the Jobcentre window at the work available.
In the centre was a card which said TREE FELLERS WANTED.
Mick said to Pat, "Geez! If only we'd brought Seamus with us, we could all have got a job!"

[rondetto]

Whilst on manoeuvres, the crew of a naval vessel were getting very bored. The captain decided entertainment was needed. Knowing one of the crew professed to be an amateur magician, he decided to put on a show.
During the performance, the ship’s observant parrot gave a running commentary as to how each trick was done, thoroughly unnerving the magician.
Rather than give too many secrets away, the magician decided to end his performance prematurely. Reaching into the tails of his coat to ignite the small incendiary smoke screen, he announced, “My next trick will be to make the ship disappear”. Unfortunately, a spark started a fire, which eventually reached the ship’s ammunition, causing the ship to sink.
The magician found himself hanging on the end of a piece of floating debris, with the slightly singed parrot on the other. After scanning the horizon for several minutes the parrot said, "OK smart Alec, what have you done with the ship?”

[rondetto]

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips. She told me to get lost and slammed the phone down.
I reckon she still regrets letting me name the twins...

[rondetto]

A young bride was scouring the aisles of the supermarket. Up and down each aisle she went, then started over again.
The store manager noticed this and went over to her. "Can I help you find something, miss?" he asked. "It's Mrs.!", she said proudly, "I just got married."
"Congratulations, " said the manager. "What can I help you find?"
"Scratch," she replied. "Scratch?" he asked, "Is that a new cleanser or something?"
"No silly," she replied brightly. "My husband told me that his mother made everything from scratch, so I need to find some!"

[rondetto]

I need to re-home a dog.

It's a small terrier and tends to bark a lot.

If you're interested, let me know and I'll climb over my neighbour's fence and get it for you.

[rondetto]

A teacher asked her class, "Does anyone know the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?" Little Paddy raises his hand and says: "Yes miss it was Tudy Glen."
"No Paddy, her name was Maid Marion."
"But miss what about the song? Robin Hood. Robin Hood riding Trudy Glen."